Under a name change as don’t want it to be tied to my main account. I’ve recently been watching Dr Phil when I’m bored and there’s quite lot of episodes surrounding child abuse. Quite a lot of that is sexual. It triggered a really bad memory from my childhood. I can’t remember much from newborn til I was around 16. Most of it is blocked out apart from the odd trauma caused by my DM. My DF was in my life quite on and off until I was 6 and we would have monthly contact. He used to take me out places in his car and I remember getting in it and regularly thinking to myself ‘is he going to sexually abuse me today?’. Not those words exactly as I was only 6 but essentially I thought my DF was going to force me into sexual acts and I remember feeling quite scared of him as well as my DM’s partners.
I have no idea how I would even know what sex or sexual abuse was at that age. Something must have happened for me to think that way? My DM had a lot of men around me until she settled with her current partner when I was 16. About 12 different men. Some of which were abusive to her so they could have easily done something to me if not my DF. I just feel sick to my stomach and it’s obviously not something I can ask my parents. I have a 2 year old DD who has regular contact with them so I worry for her safety too