I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice or shared experiences.
TLDR? Partner addicted to computers, I’m 6 month pregnant and don’t know what to do.
Long rambling sob story: My partner of 8 years is addicted to his computer. The first 3 years of our relationship were good and then we moved in together, the extent of his obsession became apparent. It has always been a point of arguments between us. Through years of creeping normalisation, I have just learnt to put up with the fact his life revolves around the computer.
I never plan things with him for the weekend because I know the drill. He’ll be on the computer until 4 – 6am. He’ll need to sleep in until midday and be grumpy and tired when he wakes from lack of sleep. I’ll make us brunch then he’ll head for the PC. The occasions I do force him out the house, he is keen to get home quickly. I do the brunt of household chores though we both work full-time. I commute & am out the house between 8 am til 7pm whereas he works from home. Often when I do force him to help, he makes his displeasure known like a sulky teenager, banging doors and not talking to me.
On times I’ve had enough and gone to leave the relationship, he makes a concerted effort to change; he helps out and spends time with me. He is a techie, he loves computer games, I don’t begrudge him having a hobby. But as the weeks go by, the time on the computer ramps up until we are back where we started.
I’m now 6 months pregnant. I was never sure if I wanted kids and this been something of a happy accident. My partner was delighted and for a split-second it looked like this might make a man of him. I want to be the best mum I can be and try and provide the best life I can for this child. I’m saving like mad, I’m trying to sell my flat and get us a house, I’m taking on the stress of all that alone. I painted the fence and weeded as he said he couldn’t help due to back ache. My mum is nearly 70 and drove 3.5 hours to help me de-clutter the flat & move things to the garage, as she knew otherwise I’d struggle with heavy lifting alone.
I’m still working long hours full-time and doing the brunt of the house work / cooking and I’m still finding my partner gaming at 4am in the morning. He doesn’t see the problem and says the baby isn’t here yet. Nothing about the last 5 years gives me hope he will change when baby is here. I’m well aware how a baby can drive a wedge in the strongest of relationships. I’m terrified of what will happen to us.
I don’t know what is the worse scenario – making our child grow up in a happy (but maybe sometimes poor and fraught) one parent household or making them grow up with one miserable parent and one parent locked in their study preferring to play computer games, hiding away from family responsibilities. I live miles away from my mum, I have lots of lovely friends but don’t have many local friends with young children. I am hoping to make some through NCT. We’re having a little boy but I guess regardless of gender, all children need good male role models.
When my partner goes to bed on time and is not tired & grumpy, on the times he will socialise, when he does just crack on with a chore that needs doing in the house without the histrionics, he is awesome to be around. He’s intelligent, funny, interesting and good humoured. That guy would make a wonderful dad. It’s like living with a werewolf – I love the man, I’m sick of the wolf. But it’s always more wolf than man.
I had a bad relationship with my father and I’ve struggled with self-worth / esteem issues all my life. He was distant, cold and disinterested in me and my brother. He spent a lot of time playing on the computer. My mum was stressed-out and sour as she worked and did all the chores. After she left him, she blossomed into the easy going and light-hearted person she is today, or perhaps always was. I feel guilty for this little life growing inside me that I have not broken the chain and am heading him for the same childhood unless I do something about it.
I have raised all the above with my partner and as of today, our relationship is hanging together by a thread. He insists there is no problem; he’s not on the computer all the time, I’m sensitive and overreact.
I don’t know what to do… apologies for the very long ramble – if you read to the end, thank you.