He’s having an affair

[MrsC2717]

Good morning all.

So I’ve never posted on here before, been a long time lurker... but today I’m just so distraught and don’t know where to turn..
My husband and I have been a couple for 15 years since we were young but only got married last year. We’d always had a happy relationship but things changed once we got married... my husband has become incredibly selfish, I’ve caught him lying to me many times and he’s secretive with his phone and money. I’ve actually lost count of the amount of times he’s let us down financially and I’ve had to dip into my salary to fill the gaps even though I already pay more than my fair share IMO. He can never explain where his money goes and every time he promises me things will change and improve it seems to get worse. Just lately, I’ve become sure he’s having an affair. There is a girl he works with. She’s one of the only people from work he is friends with on social media and whenever she’s on site with him he seems to need to do overtime. He talks about her a lot, never positively but he goes out of his way to tell me how awful he finds her you know? It’s so over the top and fake. I’ve seen pictures of her and there’s no way he finds her awful! Actually she looks a lot like me- before I got old and tired and lumpy. I know from others he works with she has the reputation of being a man eater and loves to flaunt herself in front of others. I know my husband well enough to know he’d lap that up. When I confronted him, he accused me of being mental and made me feel very stupid. I don’t know what to do! I’m desperately unhappy but I do love my husband very much. I’m no doormat and would walk if he betrayed our marriage but without proof or a confession I know that the families-his family hate me anyway so would jump at the chance to go on the attack- will place all the blame on me and make me feel awful for breaking up our home and upsetting the children. I feel like I’m being driven insane with this constant worry and feeling of dread in the out of my stomach

Sounds like he's not treating you very well regardless of any affair he's having. Does he accept this at all or does he maintain it's all you?
Is your house owned/rented, in joint names or not? Do you work?

Regardless of whether he is having an affair, he must acknowledge how unhappy you are and you cannot allow him to disregard your feelings. Perhaps you should arrange child care one evening soon and organise an evening where you have a heart to heart talk? Force him to listen to your concerns and tell him that you are not prepared to continue this relationship unless he makes an equal effort with you to improve things. Good luck and I hope you find some solutions

Our home is rented but yes in both names. I do work full time.
Whenever I have tried to discuss this with him he turns it all on me, to the point I wonder if maybe it is all me! It usually ends up with me crying and him telling me he’s not prepared to speak to me ‘ in that frame of mind’ he always says we’ll talk tomorrow but, tomorrow never comes. I have tried, repeatedly, but it always goes in the same circle of him blaming everything on me and I’m left questioning my own sanity. I’m just emotionally and physically drained by it all. I sometimes wonder if he’s even truly aware I exist and count as a person!

I'm sorry to read that you are going through this. Writing it all down like this is hopefully helping you to realise what's happening here? You are entitled to have your wants and needs met in a relationship and if you are upset surely a person who cares for you would want to help you to feel better? Not just use it as an excuse to stop the discussion? If he refuses to listen then you should consider taking action to make him .

Oh dear OP, he’s following the standard cheaters/abusers script.
Turning it all round onto you, gaslighting you. The next step is him blaming you for being unreasonable and causing the marriage to break down, then he will tell everyone you are the crazy ex.
Take a step back and look at this objectively. What do you actually get out of this marriage? You are being financially exploited, lied to, emotionally abused and very probably cheated on.
What makes you stay? You don’t need any extra reasons to leave, you need to ask whether there is any reason at all to stay in this farce.

OP - the only thing clear from your post is that you are down and unhappy.

You say you’ve been together 15 years since you were young - so - I presume you are in your mid-30s....
So - NOT - old, tired and lumpy!!!!

Long relationships - kids, housework, monotony affects all relationships. So - your (and his?) unhappiness may or may not be due to other parties.
Phases in relationships do happen, and so do spirals....
And people grow apart - and change, which is even more relevant for relationships that began in young age.

The one worrying issue that is definite is finances. Is there any way you can get a tail of what happens with the money?
Can you not check the bank account? Make a budget? Open a joint account to get better handling of the finances?
If it’s carelessness on his side rather than maliciousness - that might help.
If he has some hidden addictions - obviously - not. But worth a try.

If it is an actual affair, and not projection of your general unhappiness - you need to watch and get proof. If you need proof that is. No cheater has ever volunteered info based on words.

However - you don’t need a reason to leave and change your life. Being unhappy is reason enough.

Thank you all. I should point out that my husband hasn’t always been like this. He used to be very sweet, loving and kind. It really has only been since we got married last year (also started his job at around the same time- with the woman mentioned in original post) that he has changed. Now a lot of the time he is cold, uncaring, selfish and at times cruel (verbally not physically)
By his own admission he has always been useless with money but this has never been an issue because I am very good with money. We had, actually have a budget, he would transfer his share straight into my account and the rest was his to be as irresponsible with as he wanted. Now though he holds on to every penny of his money possessively. I have to ask him for every penny I need for the home or the children- which I find very degrading- and without fail every single month something (I never know what) happens and I end up picking up the shortfall. I have considered a joint account but honestly, I’m worried that he would just burn through all our funds! He doesn’t seem to have any shame in leaving us in financial difficulty- or we would be if I didn’t keep us together- so I don’t think he’d have any shame using my money too.

We did used to be very happy. I don’t know why he has changed so dramatically and I have tried just about every tactic to get him talking but it’s like a brick wall. We have discussed, well I have discussed, leaving but he refuses to move out and he has every legal right to stay. I earn good money but property in our area is very expensive and I couldn’t afford it alone. My only option is to move in with my mum but I couldn’t take the children. It would break my heart to leave them and I know if I did he would use that against me.

I really don’t know why I stay. Other than I feel trapped and I still hold out some hope that the man I fell in love with and married is still in there somewhere and may resurface one day.

Sorry for the long rambling posts but it does bring me some unexpected relief to get all of this off my chest.

Cheaters script!

Secretive with phone ✔️
Mentionitis ✔️
Adding her to SM ✔️
Making time to be with said colleague✔️
Gaslighting as defence ✔️
Turning it back onto you ✔️

It's the children's home and I'm guessing you're primary carer? In which case I believe usually it would be considered he'd be the one expected to leave, you could check with a lawyer and if that is the case there are steps you can take to make him leave - if you want to separate.

I bided my time in your situation, didn't bring it up again and again just played the long game. I did say I expected him to make more effort with the relationship and was willing to listen to what he wanted from me if any changes, he said not. Eventually I had more than enough evidence. It was also a work colleague, she looked like me, just younger (cheats are such cliches!)

Sorry you're going through this.

Ducks in a row time financially/legally too.

Does it even matter if he is having an affair? That gives you a reason to leave? You should have enough reason in that he is controlling you emotionally and financially.
No amount of love for a person can excuse this behaviour. You will eat yourself up mentally, blaming the affair (because it probably is one), but your body is already screaming at you something is wrong. Listen to it.
It is the hardest thing in the world to walk away from an abuser and it hurts, but staying will have a significant impact on your health for a longer period of time. You are addicted to the pain he is putting you through. Don't let him treat you like this OP, you are better than that