Been up all night

[Meganrb]

Really struggling now

I want to end my relationship. My other half is oblivious. We’re not married but we have a 14 month old. I’ve been miserable for a long time but everyone said wait until after my DS is 1 because it’s meant to get easier.

It hasn’t. I’ve gone back to work and now do all and i mean all the jobs round the house. And work. And take care of DS.

OH how’s out all day every other Saturday, works until 8 every evening so we never see him. I’m so lonely and miserable. Last night we talked and he said that the Saturdays (which is him filming you tube videos with friends) would have to continue for the foreseeable future. I feel like I’m wasting my life with him.

We have sex once a month if I’m lucky which is just not enough for me.

How do I end it without hurting him? What’s it like being a single mum? I’m scared but also excited. Any advice.

Also we’ve talked about it multiple times and he’s now stopped working Wednesdays so he can look after DS but that’s more because he hates his job and was fed up working full time. I work on wednesdays so still won’t see him anymore.

It sounds miserable.

You aren’t responsible for his feelings. You’ve told him you’re not happy, yet he’s still prioritising spending Saturdays arsing about making you tube videos with friends (like a teenager) over spending time with his partner & his child. He’s doing NOTHING around the house...he’s treating you like a housekeeper/nanny, not his partner. He has had warning, chosen to ignore it, his feelings are his problem.

What’s the situation with the house? Owned? Rented? In whose name?

What’s it like being a single mum?
Well you already know this.
It's just a bit easier because you don't have another adult to pick up after, wash for, cook for, etc.....
No clash in parenting, you do it the way you see fit.
All round, it's easier!

Do you get Sunday together
Marriage and kids can be hard work.
I used to think once you loved each other everything fell into place. Lol. It doesn't.
You need to do stuff which makes you happy.

You also need to ask him to help.
'Honey can you just do the dishes while I put junior to bed ?'
It works for me.
Don't let the resentment build up.

Thanks for the reply. It’s mortgaged with both of us named. He has more more money invested in it though so I couldn’t buy him out. Tbh I don’t think I’d want to stay living there anyway. I just don’t know how to tell him I want to leave. He’s totally clueless despite me telling him I’m unhappy many times.

We get Sunday’s yes but most of those are spent doing the shopping and cleaning the house because I don’t get chance to do that in the week. Then afternoons are spent up his mums or he’ll be “doing jobs” like working in the garage ect. I get he likes to feel productive but sometimes it would be nice for him to just want to spend time with me. Even when DS naps he’ll go upstairs on his computer for an hour whilst I do the washing up ect.

And usually if I ask him to do something I get “ill do it in a minute” meaning in a couple of days by which time I’ve already done it. He’d leave washing up for days before he’d do it.

He is not clueless, he just hasn't bothered to care when you told him all along and just expected you would carry on with things.

So the question is, if you have this talk with him and let him know that you are serious, would he change and put into place things that will make you happy? If not, then just go. Don't waste your precious life of someone who does this .

Meganrb I can completely relate to this. I'm so unhappy with my OH but he's oblivious. I'm fed up but feel stuck

Sorry your in the same situation thisisme33 it’s miserable isn’t it

Honestly, I couldn't be bothered living with someone like that. He's like a teenager, leaving dishes for days and making videos for YouTube.

Tell him you're setting him free - he can do whatever he likes whenever he likes, now.

What will you do for somewhere to live? Can he buy you out?

So sorry OP.

Have you actually said "when I say I'm unhappy what I mean is that xyz needs to change in order for this relationship to work for me and if it doesn't I will have to end it?"

I'd say do it now, before your DS is too much older. It sounds miserable and like you've told him many times and nothing has changed. Maybe this could be the big wake up call it takes him to actually change things or maybe it'll just make you

I split with my ex when DS was 10 months and it has been easier for DS, I think, that he doesn't remember the two of us together. It has also meant that ex has had to put in effort to forge a decent relationship with DS and actually do things for him. Being a single mum is easier in some ways - no man to do things for (less washing, cooking - I also did most of this), you get to plan and decide how to work your life to be easiest for your DS and you. And you can eat/cook whatever works for you eg you can have a sandwich one evening just because you fancy one or don't want much washing up!

The hardest part is not getting to live with your child all the time, having to deal with someone else doing things differently with your child. I find I'm the one who's there emotionally for DS so he tends to be a bit more difficult/emotional in the limited time i have him and is easier for his Dad.

It sounds like you've lost your intimacy and with it your ablity to work as a partnership. Usually, there is no road back from this unless you change. Yes I do mean you. Talking hasn't helped. You now only have actions. That would be not doing all the jobs, leaving the pots to pile up and wilfully disengaging from that side of things no matter how hard, and insisting that on a Sunday you go out as a family and every other Saturday you spend time together just you and him, for instance. Once you've converted all these bases, if nothing gets c better, then please leave, safe in the knowledge you tried to actively demonstrate you tried to make him get it/make it work. Life is bloody short.

Also don't rely on his support as a single parent, sadly most mums end up doing most of it on their own, particularly when dad gets a new partner. But you know what, is still better than being in an unhappy relationship.

Maybe I haven’t been explicitly clear in regards to me leaving.

I think that’s what I’m worried about the most, leaving him with his dad every other weekend. Hes pretty useless really. Would rather play on his xbox than with his son but maybe he’d have to put more effort in.

Think I need to just get it over and done with. I’d probably have to apply for social housing in regards to living arrangements. I could probably afford rented with benefits ect such a mind field

It's very sad things just drifted to this stage between the two of you. People tell each other they're unhappy but partners seem to not hear it unless it comes with a "and if it carries on it'll split us up".

You have been a single parent in many ways so I'm sure you'll be fine. There is lots of good advice above! Best to just get it started.

OP, just go for it. Enough is enough. Life's too short to be wasting it on people like him. I've left my husband of 8 years just a couple of months ago and he was similar to yours. Honestly, life is a dream now. Such a relief not having to be constantly disappointed by his inability to step up!

Time to put your foot down.
Like a pp has said.
Sunday is now family day.
NOT his mothers (shudder)
Every other Saturday is family time.
And while baby sleeps it's mum and dad 'snuggle ' time.
Even if this mean watching some man tv shows snuggled on the sofa for half an hour.
Try and comprise - so nice walk
In the park feeding the ducks / then hubby had done x box time - then maybe a film / dvd together or play some music.
Give and take.
Is there any games you could play together on the x box. ?
Me and my hubby use to play tomb raider together ( took turns) and when our son got older 'spyro the dragon and crash team racers were games we could play as s family.

Oh OP sorry you're going through this.

I can answer on the single parent front, although I'm only 1 month in....

After the initial heartbreak of splitting up eases it is SO MUCH FRIGGING BETTER. no one to be disappointed in, no one to think about other than me and my baby. Life is so free and easy now because it's just us and no manchild bringing us down. Honestly though the first week I was in absolute despair and then something just clicked and I realised I LOVE life as a single parent.

This is one of the main reasons I divorced my ExW. She was a slob who never cleaned up after herself, was always on her phone, slept most of the weekend away and made zero effort on the sex side of things. I massively resented having a full day at work, coming home to find the house a pigsty and then having to clean and Cook the kids dinner. Kids were out at school most of the day so what the hell was she doing?.... cheating as it turned out. My advice is to be firm, you only have one life to live....so make sure it's worthwhile.

Thanks everyone. MAkes me feel better knowing everyone had such happy stories after a relationship break down. Guess I just need to get the nerve up now.

OP, you'll know when the time is right. It took me 3 years to arrive to a point where enough was enough. Then it became easy. Good luck!