Feel like relationship after birth is over

[1sunflower]

I don't know if anyone has got same problem as me... I feel like I can't do this anymore... here's what happend.
Me and my partner have fell in love 3 years ago, it was such a beautiful time. I felt like I met my soulmate, we had same interest, both riding motorbikes, both loved same things, had crazy sex like every day! We moved in together and were very happy. Then I got pregnant and we both really wanted a baby so we were really happy. Then problems slowly started to show...
During pregnancy my hormones were really crazy, we would argue over stupid things but instead of letting go he would wind me up even more. Our beautiful daughter came into the world and 2 first weeks were really amazing, I thought to myself "wow we are back on track! Feels like old days !"
But then we would disagree on so many things. He would always tell me that if there's anything I don't like I should let him know and we can figure it out, but when I did mention some stuff like please throw your dirty clothes in the washing basket or please don't leave empty packaging from food lying around he would tell me I'm nagging and he can't take this. Now let me tell you that I am up at 6am going bed at 9pm. Between these hours I clean, cook, wash the clothes, iron the clothes, look after our daughter and take care of the puppy which he wanted to get and now.im the one doing everything. He goes to work and comes home at 5. He always says he's tired, he needs to rest, no help with the baby, no help with cleaning, no help with cooking, even if I go to take a bath he always says how long will I be as he has to rest. Sunday's a day off but we don't go out, we don't do anything, we stay at home as he is tired, drinking booze and resting. We have no sex. We maybe sleep with each other once a month and sometimes not even that and he is the one that doesn't want to. (He's not cheating as he is either at work or home so no way). When I tried talking to him about why is he or interested in me and that this affects my confidence as I think it's because my body is not the same, he has the cheak to tell Me it's because he can't stand my nagging apparently. Before we used to talk so much and I could tell him everything, but now if I tell him about my hard situation with my parents or try telling him how I feel he says he doesn't wanna hear shitty problems of my family, and every time we argue he will throw everything back in my face. My sister and my brother always come during the day and help me out with shopping, looking after little one etc. But he started saying that he is annoyed that they are here when he comes home, so I had to tell them to leave before he gets back to avoid his comments. Now he has a son from a previous marriage and I have a really good connection with him and always looking after him as much as I can, so I don't understand why can he not accept my family that way too. I helped him sort out the divorce papers out before our daughter was born, and he said we will go to the registry office so that i have same surname as him and our little one. But now he doesn't even mention that, during Christmas he said to me "I was gonna propose but because we had an argument I have to think about it" that really hurt me , I felt like a piece of crap , he doesn't even wanna make effort. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want my daughter to be without a father but I feel so lonely and miserable and the way he speaks to me makes me hate him....

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry

Congratulations on your little girl

It really sounds like his true colours are coming out. Please don’t give your baby his surname. If he doesn’t want to marry you, he can go fuck himself on the surname front.

I’d also not assume no affair. Plenty of men have affairs at work. Not saying he is, just saying it’s possible.

Having a baby is a huge adjustment, but it always seems to be the woman that has to adjust immediately and the poor menz are let off because the poor wee fella has had a shock about how hard it all is.

Don’t know what advice to give. Sorry. I’d rather be alone than with a man like that.

To late ! She already has his surname and now whenever I go gp or anywhere and give her surname they always ask me why is it different from mine :(
He works at building site so he's all dirty and no women there for sure, but hey you never know right. I would completely understand him to be in shock if it was his first baby but he has a 10year old son already and he is a very hands on dad so that I don't get :/ guess he is just looking for an excuse but the situation is just so toxic.

Were you together long before you had the baby? It sounds like an awful situation and not one that is good for you or the child. I'd consider leaving. It's not working at all.
Roughly how old are you both( roughly so you don't out yourself) It sounds like you don't work if your siblings are hanging around in the daytime.

The surname thing sounds odd. I'm amazed anyone asks you about it as it's completely normal for a Mother to have a different surname to a child.

It sounds as if you were in the honeymoon phase and now you have the reality.

It maybe a bit annoying if your family are there all the time but if it's only a few times a week then he needs to tolerate it. Don't tell them to go home.

I am sorry and it is not going to help but it is quite common for men to change once you are committed. He knows you are trapped and if he isolates you from family where will you go??

If he won't listen to how upset you are then nothing will change. Btw if he is on sites there will be women but most cheating is online so of he has his phone he has opportunity.

However it sounds like he is just a horrible selfish man who has decided he is the boss and you just need to be trained to obey him.
Can you work?

I don't want my daughter to be without a father
She won't be without father.
You will just co-parent her and she won't have to live in this environment.
What is the living situation?
Renting? Who's name?
He's just creating extra work for you right now and that's no good at all.
Time to really think about your future!

sorry for you, dear. I have a kind of similar situation, but worse as I moved to UK to live with my DH, leaving behind my work, career, friend and family.
We also had great relations, he was loving and attentive, we could talk for hours, had sex few times a day and so on. After baby was born he changed immediately, got an attitude "i dont care" and "f... off", after I quit my job just before moving here he turned into total asshole. I'm doing 95% of everything at home + baby of course, he is always busy and tired, we were out (just 2 of us) about 4 times within a year as there is no money for anything (apart for him if he is going out without me), sex life is almost over: first he didnt want much, I was initiating it most of the time, but I got bored with it as I wont be jumping on man, who doenst want me and now we might have sex 1 a month, which I actually prefer not to have as it feels more like I'm used to give him a relief.
Anyway, if you are concerned about him not marrying you - dont be. Decide first if you want such relations for whole your life. I wish we wouldnt get married, as it was done mostly because I was pregnant (lets say it speed up events, not that I forcing him) and it was terrible - wedding was terrible and proposal was like "here you go! get your small cheap engagement ring!". I wasnt realizing all that back then, I was in love and full of pregnancy hormones, but now I can see how wrong was all that.
If he doesnt want to marry you, no need. If your relations will stay the same, I'm sure you would like to finish them, so dont get married - wont need to go through divorce process. And dont worry about the baby without father. Its better without the father than your daughter will be growing in family where man treat his woman like a sh.t.

@Irinn it's like I would hear you telling me my story! I can't go to work as I don't have support from my parents to watch the baby and the only person that is helping me is my sister and brother but they are far too young to stay alone with the baby. Partner works 6 days a week so there's no way I can get some work. I left all my friends for him so I have no one to really talk to.we are renting and both names on agreement.

Hello,

Be prepared for a long message, but i guess i need to seek actual advise from mom's around.

I am in my late 30's and so is my wife. We decided to have a child in our mid 30's and were blessed with a wonderful boy 2.5 years back.

Trouble started from around the time he was born. My wife and I shared a wonderful relation prior to our son. Of course we had our tiffs and differences ( some major tiffs included) but we always managed to sail past all that.) From the moment our son was born, he was all that my wife could care about. This was perfectly fine with me as she was giving her 110% to the child. The mother son relation is so strong that it makes me feel so proud. She has literally gives up everything including friends to be able to spend time with him.

Problem is that she wont let me have even 5 minutes in a day with him. I dont mean alone, I mean even when she is around. She just does not want me around. From the time he was born i was asked to move to a different room. For the past 30 months or so I have been confined to that room. I have not had the opportunity even once to feed him, bathe him or even see him sleep. Even when we travel and stay in a hotel, I am made to sleep on the extra bed down. Its not that our bed is small, we have a extra large King bed at home. When her mom was visiting, she was allowed to sleep on the same bed with them.

I am not complaining about my wife not letting me touch her even. That is something i have come to terms with and accepted it ( not happily albiet, I dont have a choice or a say in the matter.) All attempts to reason with her have been in vain.

She does not let me talk to him properly even. She interrupts every single word i say to him. It hurts specially when i see that when they travel to her brothers place back home, her brother, sis in law everyone gets to spend time with our son. I know because they keep sharing pictures and videos.

Both of them sleep at around 5 in the evening, so by the time i get back home I can t seem them. My wife only sends me messages as to what chores is pending for me to do, which i finish diligently. Its not much because she herself also does most of the work. Its basic cutting, chopping of vegetables, washing our sons clothes etc.

So the only time is in the morning since they get up early. Our son started school earlier this month. This morning, all the frustration finally blew out. While i was trying to talk to our son, she again kept interrupting and i could hold no longer. Somehow i automatically raised my hand on her, in front of our son. I know, it is something not excusable and I am ashamed to my very core for the action. Our son started crying and I felt terrible. I left the room, packed my bags and left home. I am not going back home tonight. I dont know for how long, but i am unable to live like this.

1.) I know i did a horrible horrible thing lifting my hand, there is no excuse and no forgiveness for it. God can punish me and I will take it without a complain.
2.) I need help to tell me what should i do. I am out of my wits, All attempts to talk to her have backfired magnificently for the past 30 months. I love her more than anything in this world, somehow she thinks i am disposable crap. She has made i abundantly clear over the past 30 months that she regrets marrying me. There are no financial issues, we are comfortably well off and I make sure that there is no need that is left unfulfilled.

Help me, tell me what to do. All i want is a peaceful happy family and to be able to spend just 5 minutes atleast every other day with my son.

shan1412.

You should start you own new thread. Ask for MNHQ to delete your post then start a new thread.

BTW. You say your ‘raised your hand’. Is that a weird way of saying you hit her or did you mean you motioned to hit her.
Regardless of which it is it sounds like you need to separate. It sounds like you would get more time with your child if you were separated.

@1sunflower yeah, quite similar staff going on. So thats why I would suggest you not to marry him for now, it wont make your relations better.
why cant you start working? you can get a babysitter or give baby to nursery, depends on age.

I feel for you OP, sounds like your DP has completely checked out of your relationship and is just using you as a cook and cleaner (and occasional shag) now. He's being totally disrespectful by not listening to you when you try to tell him how you're feeling and by not doing his fair share around the house and with your daughter. He's acting like a stroppy teenager who wants you to be his mother and have no responsibility himself.
What an absolute shit he is to say he was going to propose to you over Christmas but didn't because you had an argument. That's an abuse tactic because by saying that he's telling you "if you're a good little woman who stays quiet and does as I say then I might reward you with a pretty ring", what a disgusting manipulative prick. Ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want as your husband. He's showing you his true colours now.
You need to get your ducks in a row and look at moving yourself and your DD out or getting him to move out because he's not bringing anything to the relationship except more work for you and heartache when this should be a joyous time for you both.
Don't stop your sister and brother coming around and don't tell them they need to leave before he gets home so that you avoid his tantrums. It's your house too and if he says he's annoyed that they are there when he gets home point out to him that YOU can have people over if YOU want to in YOUR house, it's not all about him and what he wants. Also I'd be telling him that if he was any kind of man and father he would be doing his part and being a parent and taking on some of the housework because it's his responsibility too and then maybe you wouldn't need to have your sis and bro over as much to help you out. Him telling you that he is annoyed when he comes home and they are there is another abuse tactic, he is trying to isolate you from your family, he's already successfully isolated you from your friends.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and call Women's Aid to get some advice. Their phone lines can be quite busy so you might have to try a few times before you get through.
for you

@Irinn shes not even 1 and to be honest when I hear how.many abusive babysitters and nursery there is I just get scared to leave my child with complete strangers:(
@RivanQueen you are absolutely right... I'm just getting completely isolated so that I have no one around and rely on him.

@1sunflower well, you will need to start nursery at some stage anyway. and actually earlier - is easier for baby. I also was skeptical about it, but started when my DS was ~11mo and its fine. I miss him a lot during the day, but I got a job and now feel myself much better. btw its driving my husband crazy that I got a job))

@Irinn ofcourse it will drive him mad! Because you dont have to rely on him! Maybe I can start looking for an evening job then he will stay with the baby.

Poor you, what a shock it must be to find out that the man you fell in love with was an act. I mean from what you say about him, he has no respect for you and doesn't care about you. I don't see how you can solve that issue. I'd be gone

@1sunflower yes, you can look for evening job or some remote work, so you can work from home.
btw, i started reading that book that @RivanQueen recommended - its all matching