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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like relationship after birth is over

11 replies

1sunflower · 12/09/2018 00:51

I don't know if anyone has got same problem as me... I feel like I can't do this anymore... here's what happend.
Me and my partner have fell in love 3 years ago, it was such a beautiful time. I felt like I met my soulmate, we had same interest, both riding motorbikes, both loved same things, had crazy sex like every day! We moved in together and were very happy. Then I got pregnant and we both really wanted a baby so we were really happy. Then problems slowly started to show...
During pregnancy my hormones were really crazy, we would argue over stupid things but instead of letting go he would wind me up even more. Our beautiful daughter came into the world and 2 first weeks were really amazing, I thought to myself "wow we are back on track! Feels like old days !"
But then we would disagree on so many things. He would always tell me that if there's anything I don't like I should let him know and we can figure it out, but when I did mention some stuff like please throw your dirty clothes in the washing basket or please don't leave empty packaging from food lying around he would tell me I'm nagging and he can't take this. Now let me tell you that I am up at 6am going bed at 9pm. Between these hours I clean, cook, wash the clothes, iron the clothes, look after our daughter and take care of the puppy which he wanted to get and now.im the one doing everything. He goes to work and comes home at 5. He always says he's tired, he needs to rest, no help with the baby, no help with cleaning, no help with cooking, even if I go to take a bath he always says how long will I be as he has to rest. Sunday's a day off but we don't go out, we don't do anything, we stay at home as he is tired, drinking booze and resting. We have no sex. We maybe sleep with each other once a month and sometimes not even that and he is the one that doesn't want to. (He's not cheating as has either at work or home so no way). When I tried talking to him about why is he or interested in me and that this affects my confidence as I think it's because my body is not the same, he has the cheak to tell Me it's because he can't stand my nagging apparently. Before we used to talk so much and I could tell him everything, but now if I tell him about my hard situation with my parents or try telling him how I feel he says he doesn't wanna hear shitty problems of my family, and every time we argue he will throw everything back in my face. I just don't know what yo do anymore. I don't want my daughter to be without a father but I feel so lonely and miserable and the way he speaks to me makes me hate him....

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 12/09/2018 00:57

He's being very unpleasant towards you without any cause. Don't blame your hormones for how he treated you when pregnant. He should be capable of discussing things without arguing and deliberately winding you up.

He is lazy and he is not being a good parent or partner. Separating would not mean that your DD doesn't have a father, just not one that's making her mother miserable. He can still see her and do his share of parenting, if he's willing to.

sugarpuffs10 · 12/09/2018 01:03

Omg so sorry to hear you are going through this OP, sorry I have no advice to give but did not want to read and run as reading this sounded exactly like my situation with me and my partner, all I can say is stay strong I'm currently on a break with him and staying at my sisters but he hasn't bothered contacted me unless it's to ask about our DC I wish it gets better for you x

tillytown · 12/09/2018 02:53

Regarding the arguments during your pregnancy, what was his excuse for them? You had a whole bunch of hormones running through your body, he didn't, so why was he being a twat?

DonkeyPlease · 12/09/2018 03:09

He sounds like he wants you to be the maid and Nanny and besides that to shut the fuck up. Sorry.

The cure for this is to open your eyes, accept the way he is now, and decide if you want to teach your DD that this is what she should look for in the relationship x

Monty27 · 12/09/2018 03:33

Sounds like he thinks he has a trophy.
Ltb

1sunflower · 12/09/2018 03:35

@tillytown
He would always say that I am unreasonable and and I need to stop asking him so many questions.
@DonkeyPlease
Yes you are very right! It's like he wants me to stay quiet all the time! It's just so hard as he thinks I do fuck all and stay at home so why am I tired but he works so hard so he doesn't need to help me out with anything!
@sugarpuffs I'm so sorry to hear that you had to stay at your sisters he should have gone out the house and let you stay there with DC! Is it hard taking a brake?

OP posts:
1sunflower · 12/09/2018 03:45

Also my sister and my brother always come during the day and help me out with shopping, looking after little one etc. But he started saying that he is annoyed that they are here when he comes home, so I had to tell them to leave before he gets back to avoid his comments. Now he has a son from a previous marriage and I have a really good connection with him and always looking after him as much as I can, so I don't understand why can he not accept my family that way too. I helped him sort out the divorce papers out before our daughter was born, and he said we will go to the registry office so that i have same surname as him and our little one. But now he doesn't even mention that, during Christmas he said to me "I was gonna propose but because we had an argument I have to think about it" that really hurt me , I felt like a piece of crap , he doesn't even wanna make an effort....

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 12/09/2018 19:17

OP, you need to really look at your life.

You need to get back in employment as a matter of priority. Maintain the connections with your family but be sensitive to them being used as a source of conflict. I would be thinking about rehoming your dog, simplifying your life and doing nothing beyond looking after your child and yourself. Stop being his servant and don't nag him to do anything. Just withdraw. Use this time to toughen up emotionally and mentally.

Havetothink · 12/09/2018 19:46

Have you looked at couples therapy/counselling? While it doesn't sound positive a baby makes for a big change and tiredness all round so it might be worth a try.

1sunflower · 12/09/2018 20:17

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2
I tried revoking the dog already and had 3 people wanting to take her, they also have dogs and she would have had much better life than here with me. There's only a little I can do during the day so I don't always get to take her to park or simply play with her as I'm busy with my baby. When I said I want to rehome her and gave all the reasons he just started saying I'm cruel I hate animals and that he and his son got attached to the dog(but I do all the hard job) it's nice to just get home from work and seat with the dog for an hour and then say how great she is. She's hard work needs training, attention and excercise but he doesn't see that. He doesn't even feed her. So when I had the opportunity to rehome her I just turned it down because he made me feel like.im doing something really terrible :(
I just stopped asking why is he coming home all drunk and late, stopped taking to not throw crap around because we always end up in the fight. But the funny part is that when sometimes I just want to have a lye in the bed because DD is sleeping longer I get reminded I didn't make him breakfast...

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 12/09/2018 20:22

Why don't you re-home HIM? Seriously, it sounds as though some time apart might remind him of all he's going to lose unless he gets his act together. Atm he's acting like a lazy, spoilt, entitled plank.

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