Do I tell family members what I have found out?

[doisayornot]

NC for this as I post semi-regularly
I'm going to be semi-vague with some details as I don't want this to be identifying.

Basically, a family member was doing drugs etc a while back and eventually owed a very large sum of money to some dodgy people. Ran away from family home and told they couldn't come back until it was sorted and it was proved they wouldn't do it again etc. A few weeks later they were allowed back and promised never to do it again etc, paid off the people and that was that.

Well fast forward a few months. I have the password to family member's social media (it was written down somewhere when this all first happened and I used it at family's request to see if i could find anything else out and come to grips with what was happening). I checked it a few weeks ago and found a couple of messages from 1 night asking for drugs but the messages implicated somebody else so I didn't want to mention it and cause trouble over 1 message and not a lot of other proof. I saw somebody that family member knows when I was out and about the other day and they mentioned to me that they were no longer friends with this family member as they had "taken the piss" and were still in touch with people they shouldn't be and doing things they shouldn't be. I got home tonight and decided to do some snooping (right or wrong, I wanted to see if I could find anything relating to what this person was talking about)

There were a lot of messages to various different people asking about drugs etc, asking for numbers for drugs, talking about "getting on it" etc so it's obviously not stopped.

Do I risk the backlash and trouble that will come if I tell other family members (in the home) or do I keep it to myself and do nothing? I am frightened and worried that the situation will come to a head again like last time and I know that it will destroy the family. I am at a loss, I know I probably shouldn't have looked but felt I needed to as I needed to know what was going on.

I personally wouldn't open that can of worms... there'll be worms everywhere, and I find that's rarely a positive.

How old are they?

This person is most likely an addict and will only stop on their terms. I would let someone he lives with know just so they can keep an eye on things.

@AnnieAnoniMoose they are 22

Drugs can destroy a family, and keeping a secret could destroy you. I would tell someone OP, but whether it is family member, all of family, or just a selected one of family, is difficult to know, possibly only you can decide.

I am sorry you are in this situation, it is horrible. Our family have had the same thing with a family member for many years

22 - yes. You need to tell the calmest & most level headed person who can help them. It’s going to be hard, but the 22 year old needs help (not condemnation) and the homeowner needs to know what trouble what trouble could be about to knock on their door. Plus, if there are other youngsters living in the home, they need to be looked out for.

If you don't tell members of the family you could lose the trust and respect of the family when they do find out

Yes.

Agree with Annie. While not a user myself, I have had more to do with them than I ever wanted or expected to. Tell family and maybe they can do something which will help.

If telling other family members would open a can or worms then I think you should try to help the family member yourself.

To tell or not to tell? Tough one. Remember as the ladies said before me: the family trusted you to keep an eye. I believe you must tell. However before telling speak to relate to find out how you can do it in the best wsy. Maybe try to find out what help is available for him. Anyway remember if you do not tell it is likely that he will be deeper and deeper in drugs and debts-he might even become violent toward the family, he might steal etc...so think how to help him if you can but remember that the family also deserves to be helped ; you must eventually let them know about the sad reality and how best to cope with it . The earlier the better IMHO...but please talk to experts who deal with addicted in the matter first ...Good Luck...not easy...what huge responsibility they set upon you!

Yes you do tell family members but only the ones you know are level headed, and who will seek to point the addict in the right direction while protecting the more vunerable ones they live with.