Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affairs, are they ever ok?

44 replies

Sungem74 · 11/09/2018 21:57

Just wondering the general opinion on if an affair between work colleagues that is purely sexual is ok. 1 is married 1 is single.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 12/09/2018 00:36

I think the wife in this equation needs to have the same freedom and options open to her so should be aware.

He should do the childcare whilst she pursues her own sexual adventures independent of her mArriage if she chooses.......

Wonder if he would be so cool about it then?

Thatsfuckingshit · 12/09/2018 07:29

It works for them?

The wife gets to continue her happy marriage?

Her happy marriage is a lie. This doesn't work for her because she hasn't been given the choice. If she knows and decides she is ok with it. Then, fair enough.

What they mean is 'we are happy with how this is. Fuck what the wife would feel or want.'

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 12/09/2018 07:54

I know of two examples where women in very abusive relationships had affairs on their 'path' to realising they had worth as individuals and deserved better. Neither ended up with the OM but it was part of the journey to leaving their abusers.

In those cases, yes, fuck the abuser, I won't shed a single tear for them and I'm glad the women in question found their way out of the relationships regardless of what actions happened on the way. Abusers betray their relationships first.

Pretty much any other scenario - no.

Djnoun · 12/09/2018 07:56

Yes, as an alternative to ruining children's lives in an entirely sexless marriage, devoid of sexual attention or physically affection. I do think an affair can be the lesser of two evils.

Wrybread · 12/09/2018 08:13

No. An affair is based on lack of consent. The DW has no idea and the couple have taken her ability to consent away from her. This leads to a power imbalance within her marriage.

Often the DW finds her H making up reasons to be angry at her, so that he can feel he's justified in cheating, or even so that he can storm out and go see / contact the OW.

Many DW make the choice to get pg whilst not knowing about the affair. I'm pretty sure they'd make a different choice of things were out in the open.

The DW needs to know so that she can decide whether to leave, whether to get an std test, whether to get pg etc.

summersun0191 · 12/09/2018 08:39

You need to say something, my now ex was seeing a married woman for 8 years who he broke it off with when we got together and I've recently found out he is still in close contact with her. I've always had an inkling that things weren't completely over with them and I have been proved right so I have had to walk away, its killing me so much but I cant stay with someone who spend the past 8-9 years with a married woman who he's still contacting.

Please say something before more people get hurt, especially when kids are involved.

6demandingchildren · 12/09/2018 08:49

You wouldn't do to an Indian restaurant and get a Chinese delivered.
Affairs are so wrong on every level

Robin2323 · 12/09/2018 09:15

I know of two examples where women in very abusive relationships had affairs on their 'path' to realising they had worth as individuals and deserved better. Neither ended up with the OM but it was part of the journey to leaving their abusers.
HOWEVER
This happened to my cousin.
Her husband was contacted by an ex
My cousin trusted him so let it go.
This married woman was in an abusive marriage (unbeknown to my cousin ) first lie.
OW left her husband thanks to the emotional affair
When my cousin found out about the emotional affair completely broke her.
We were all seriously worried she do something silly.
It s a long time ago now.
My cousin and her husband got
Through it and are happier than ever.
But can't these woman get out of abusive relationship without borrowing husbands? Without causing someone else as much pain as they are in?
Is it a case of well I'm in pain so why shouldn't you????
How does that work ?
OW would have would have set up home with him if he'd wanted that - which he didn't.
So really he was just leading OW on.
Maybe they deserved each other.
PAIN for everyone.
Feel sorry for all involved.
If your 2 colleges need extra material sex for some kind of self gratification they have serious insecurity issues going on.
Let them self destruct.
Unless you are a close friend to the wife.
I'd leave it.

She may know.
She may be waiting for it to blow over.
But you won't be thanked.
(Don't shoot the messenger bah bah)
You may even be accused of shit stirring. Tricky one.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 12/09/2018 11:38

@Robin2323

The women in the examples I referred to had their affairs with single men. The 'excuse' does fall a little flat if they're f**king up another relationship in the process, yes.

thereareflowersinmygarden · 12/09/2018 13:11

I had an affair. But then my DH was an abusive cunt.

I regret the marriage but not the affair. Some people deserve to be cheated on.

Was many years ago and I have not been unfaithful in anyway since.

Thinks are not so black and white as some people would like.

Original poster
Sungem74 · 14/09/2018 06:25

update
I told the wife, she didn't believe me and actually got quite angry when I said I had proof. I have done all I can. They know I've told her too so at the very least it may make them stop and think.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 14/09/2018 07:38

👍 💐

Sausagerollers · 14/09/2018 09:01

Well done for telling her. She may not believe you now, but give her time and she will (hopefully) realise that you were telling the truth.
Then going forward she has the chance to make choices in her life based on the truth of her situation, but the kids her H has spun her.

Xenon888 · 14/09/2018 11:47

No NEVER.. Cant believe anyone would see it as ok

Pidlan · 14/09/2018 11:51

Yes, as an alternative to ruining children's lives in an entirely sexless marriage, devoid of sexual attention or physically affection. I do think an affair can be the lesser of two evils.

Agree with this. Also for people in abusive relationships. It isn't black and white at all.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 14/09/2018 13:14

Is the wife your friend? Regardless of whether you or anyone agrees with what they're doing I don't know why you've involved yourself with this.

broccolicheesebake · 14/09/2018 13:21

There are shades of grey. My mum had an affair 30 odd years ago. But my dad is horrible and abusive to her. That is very different to cheating on a kind, loving partner for whom you've just lost a spark.

PieAndPumpkins · 14/09/2018 13:51

That was really brave, and the right thing to do. Well done.

RatRolyPoly · 14/09/2018 14:14

There are definitely shades of grey, but most of the time - like, 99.999999% of the time - it's black and white.

Almost everyone who is having an affair convinces themselves that theirs is that 0.0000001% of the time when it's completely justified. But they'd tell themselves just about anything so they didn't have to stop what they were doing. Chances are if you're in an affair and you don't think these things are black and white, you're one of those people for whom it is black and white, or at least it should be. And what you're doing is wrong.

Well done OP for doing the difficult thing. That's as much as you can do.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page