Mummy issues

[user1490285009]

Me and my husband have been down on our luck lately, we lost our home, he was made redundant, when he finally got a job it was work away from home. In fact he’s barely seen our daughter. Despite our difficulties we’ve remained ok. Fortunately we were good savers when he was working, and my older sister really went above and beyond housing us until we found our own place again.

During this entire time my mum
Offered no help. She didn’t help me with our wedding, she didn’t offer me any financial help when I was a student, virtually nothing. Had she had the same attitude with all my siblings I might think nothing of it. But she has spent a small fortune supporting my brothers and sister in a multitude of different ways. From
Investing in their business plans, paying for their education, helping them put down deposit for a house, wedding costs, buying them cars, etc etc. I am not saying she did all this for all of them. For one she may have given the deposit for a house, the other she may have covered wedding cost. This, in addition to little things along the way, like quite nice presents for grandkids etc. But she has never spent a dime on me beyond food and shelter when I lived with her.

I keep dwelling on this thought and I keep feeling resentful. I get it’s her money but why is she excluding me? I don’t have a bad relationship with her, we don’t fight anymore or any less than my siblings do with her. Is it wrong of me to feel this resentment? How can I deal with it? Should loosen ties ( stop visiting so often etc). I’m just finding it hard to keep pretending everything is ok between us when I feel I am being treated differently to my other siblings.

I am sorry to hear this OP. No wonder you feel upset- its most definitely not ok for parents to favour one child over another and to give financial provisuon to one and not the other - assuming you need it as much.
I wonder if there is a way you can broach this subject without getting her - your mum's - back up?

Gosh I did not get any notification of a reply.
Sorry for getting back late. This is still on my mind and I cannot seem to get past this issue with my mum.

I have tried to bring it up before. It’s kind of a funny story. My cousins kindly put together some money to gift me for my wedding. I was away at the time so they gave it in cash to my mum to hold ( but emailed me to let me know). My mum gave it to my brother. I had to argue to get it back. I use this time to tell her that I too needed help sometimes but she just didn’t get it. She wouldn’t engage. In the end she acted like giving me my own money back was a gift.

How dare she give you’re back wedding gift to your brother?! Not to mention the fact that he shouldn’t have taken it (perhaps he didn’t know)?
I’m really stunned by this, my mum has been scrupulously Fair with me and my brother. I’m not surprised you are upset.
I know you’ve touched on this before but does she understand that there are consequences of her continued favouritism - ie it’s impacting on your relationship, you may even distance yourself if it continues? So odd. I’m sorry

What does she say when you've asked her about what she does for the others and doesn't do for you? What does your siblings say?

Wow! This sounds so similar to my situation! I have bailed my mum out of many sticky financial situations she has gotten herself & my dad into & yet I am treated like the black sheep compared to my two sisters (baring in mind she doesn't pay me back & it's A LOT of money!) I have asked numerous times why this is and I always get the 'you're being daft' reply. I have a son & pregnant with my second and I don't want him to miss out on having grandparents but it's getting to a point I am close to cutting them out our lives as it's causing too much of an issue & they have left my family (hubby & kids) in the lurch once too many. Luckily my son is too young to notice just now but I know there's going to come a point, and soon, he will actually notice this & I refuse to let them make him feel the way the did/do make me feel.
Honestly reckon it might be time for you to loosen your ties too

Have you ever directly asked her for financial assistance?

Could it be she was in a better position to help your siblings at the time?

I have asked her why doesn’t help me. She says ‘you’re being daft’ or she tells me to stop comparing myself and that she’s just addressing people’s needs. But that’s not true either as she will help them with elaborate gifts whilst she won’t help me with basic needs.

My siblings are aware of how little she helps me. They just laugh it off as mum being strange. To be fair to them they are nice and supportive. At the time of my wedding or when my baby was born they had a whip round and offered to help which was nice but of course it pales in comparison to the life changing sums they get from our mum.

I have directly asked her for help on several occasions. On all occasions she said she couldn’t help me. The most amount of money I asked her to help me with was my rent for one month when I was a student and it was £200. She said she couldn’t help. But she’s regularly giving my siblings large sums. Also asking isn’t the issue because she offers my siblings these things. I know for a fact they don’t ask for it. My brother might say-Im saving to buy a house- and she will voluntarily recognise his need and give him money towards it. Even though he and his wife work and make a good income.

Without really planning to I have sort of distanced myself from her anyways. It’s really painful for me to feel that my mum doesn’t care about me the way she cares about my siblings. All these feelings of resentment have come to the surface since I had my own child and since we’ve run into some hardship. During the time me and my husband were homeless and staying with my sister, she brought one brother a new car and offered to pay for my cousins university fee ( her niece) for the year. She also hasn’t brought my daughter a gift. Again, when all my other nephews and nieces were born she gave my siblings money towards shopping for them/decorating the nursery etc.

I don’t know it’s really upsetting even writing this now. I really feel like she doesn’t care about me and I can’t understand why.

Might be a stupid question but does she like your dh? Could she secretly not like him and doesn’t want him to benefit from her help?

I really feel for you op. Must be horrible!

Its sounds like she made you the scapegoat for all her inherent ills and in turn your own family unit are scapegoated.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

She is not going to change and you can only change how you react to her. I would certainly lower all forms of contact with her going forward. She is clearly not a nice person to be at all around so would continue to keep distancing your own self from her. I would also look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as well on these pages and consider posting there too.

yes look up all the golden child and scapegoating stuff. Its not your fault. It is all about her issues.

Shocking that she would try to give away your wedding gift money - that is seriously not ok

I am so much happier now I understand that I was scapegoated and why. I have changed my life to be the way I want it and dont let my dear mothers stuff affect me any more

This reminds me of a girl I went to school with. She was treated very differently to her younger siblings by her mum - it was really noticeable. Turned out that her dad was different to the others - her mum had got pregnant while unmarried, and had to pull out of teacher training college. The dad ran off and she ended up marrying a family friend's son who had always held a candle for her. She had resented her ever since for "ruining her life". Ironically, her stepdad loved her as his own, which I think was part of the problem.

It's horrible to think, and I'm not suggesting that your dad isn't your dad, but is there any reason you can think of, even going back years, that she might resent you and be taking it out on you? Are their any aunties or uncles you could glean a little insight from?

Hi chockaholic I might think along those lines too but I am the spitting image of my dad and generally reassemble his side of the family. So while I have never had a blood test I have no reason to assume anything different. I will say that I have always been a daddies girl and it sounds silly but I think she was quite jealous about that. But I mean I’m not a random woman-I’m his child. So how jealous can she really have been.

katKat I don’t think it’s about my husband either because she’s always been like this.