My parents always preferred other children to my sister and I

[PoorlyParented]

Did anyone else ever have this growing up?

My parents, mainly my father but my mother too plus she enabled him, were abusive whilst my sister and I were growing up, in many ways.

One big way in which they were abusive was that they always criticised Dsis and I and never had a good word to say about/to us but were always praising their friends children and our cousins to the hilt, and of course compared us to them.

For example their best friends had two DDs. My dad would never hold hands with my sister or I when we were little or let us sit on his lap but he'd happily let his best friends' kids sit on his lap or hold his hand. My parents also spoke all the time about how wonderful these girls were.

They also always praised our cousins, one cousin in particular who is 3 years older than me and is taller than me, they'd always say how amazing she was, what a nice girl, how clever, how tall etc.

If a child was on TV they'd say 'Well she seems like a nice daughter to have' and then glare at us. My mum would even get annoyed with us over things that she'd chosen to do, for example I had a school friend when I was about 6 or 7 who always wore very little girlish clothes, very pretty dresses, traditional coats etc. My mum chose to dress me and my sister like boys (my dad doesn't like long hair on girls and girly clothes but that's another story), yet whenever we bumped into this friend and her mum anywhere my mum would berate me afterwards as this girl dressed like 'Alice in Wonderland' and I didn't, even though I was only little and wore what she told me to!

I am now non contact with my parents. My sister is, to an extent, golden child, and still sees them. Lots from my childhood affects me even now but the comparing and never feeling good enough really affects me and despite counselling and other kinds of therapies it never gets much easier.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Yes. My mum really, dad never said much.
She improved as she got older. Never apologised though, didn't think she'd said anything wrong and said I'd imagined it! I didn't imagine it.

Thing is she was totally artificial around anyone not in the family, it was cringeworthy. They wouldn't have liked her very much (would have preferred others :-), had they known what she was really like.

Still as I said, she became nicer as she got older and was a good grandmother.

Yes. My dad told me I should be glad to get a man like my husband. Then, when looking at my wedding pictures, he came across a picture of my childhood friend and said, 'I don't think anyone would ever be good enough for her...to me.' When she had just had a baby and I was pregnant, he made a point of saying that her baby was 'OUT OF THIS WORLD!'.

I don't think he even knew he was doing it. It was attention seeking from someone too immature to love.

My mum was a bit like this but nowhere near as bad as that. Worst she did was just never call me pretty or beautiful, but always calling other girls beautiful or pretty, or that they need no make up. She likes to tell me a lot that I need make up.

Have you had counselling?

Thanks so much everyone for the replies, I'm really sorry to hear you've all had similar experiences.

Santa, I have had counselling, quite a lot of it, plus CBT, NLP, hypnotherapy and various other things. I've found that they have worked to an extent, and my self esteem is a lot better than it used to be, but I still feel so resentful about how my parents treated me. I don't know if I can ever get over that, although I do have a sense of acceptance, if that makes sense?

I haven't experienced this at all but I just wanted to send you a big hug. Words fail me that any parent could ever treat their child like this. I think it's all about them and not you but it's obviously very sad. Lots of best wishes to you in your recovery/journey. X

Thank you for your kind words, Lovingit xx

Yes my parents are like that. It’s horrible and so belittling. I too have had counselling but it doesn’t make their behaviour acceptable or understandable for me.

My parents now also do it in relation to my children. ‘Oh such and such’s little boy/girl is so lovely/beautiful/good’ etc etc.

I still get ‘oh I bumped into ‘X’ she’s so beautiful etc etc’, it makes me sad. Especially as I feel like I have no understanding of what having loving parents must be like!

OMG
How stupid are these people.
The only positive thing my mum would say was how 'slim' I was.

So cute anorexic tendencies as a teenage ( all better now,though I was way too thin for a long time )
Another time she said there was no point going to parents evening (primary ) cos she knew I was clever. ( well I would have liked her to have taken an interest )
Just cos they are your parents, they are still people who say stupid things. Dad was better but quite and let mum lead really.
Took me long time to work through stuff.
BUT I did.
CBT among other things worked well for me.
But my biggest break through was to let go off the resentment.
All of it. They were stupid.
Both dead now. It doesn't matter.
Oh and the fact that all my kids have grown up into happy , healthy and well adjusted kids.
In the words of someone famous, who I can't remember:
'They know not what they do. '
I don't even think you have to forgive them.
Just forget it.
Maybe forgive your self for believing their 'crap' for as long as you have.
You're stronger than you think x.

Yes, I had this. Infact if I wasn't an only child, I'd have said you were my sister. I had to dress like a boy (my father was what I call an 'emotional pervert' - never did anything but had weird ideas about girls), I was called every name from a pig to a dog yet their expectations of me were so high. I was never good enough yet other children were delightful. I never did anything wrong as a teenager. Really, I didn't. I never smoked, drank, wasn't allowed a boyfriend, excelled at school (although I was constantly told I was stupid and lazy) and never answered back and yet I was still not good enough and constantly compared to others.

I've had lots of therapy and it's not something you ever get over. You get over the flu but not being hated by your own family (my parents didn't want children and let me know it). I see them rarely and they lack the emotional intelligence to realise why. One I'll explode and scream bitter invective at them. I'll get the blame for that too but I won't care. I'm past caring.

@Luckystar1

Why are you letting them do the same to your children?

Have any of you ever tried talking about your friend's parents and how great they are. How supportive and complementary of their DC they are.

There's an age when you don't need to tolerate that...and really they'd miss out on their grandchildren and be miserable for it.

It's shocking behaviour from them. It erodes your confidence terribly.

sandy I have only recently moved back to my home country so thankfully the children aren’t exposed to it, it was always by phone. I just remind them that mine are lovely too.

It’s a horrible dynamic and one that’s difficult to break as I think they just now see my children as an extension of me without having spend any real time with them.

Yes, an EA mother, and father was from the Victorian generation, men work and provide, women deal with children.
My mother would buy fabulous Christmas and birthday presents for my only girl cousin ( also older male sibling) but a token for my Christmas an often nothing for my birthday as it was a week after Christmas.
I’ve survived and have a happy life. Sadly it was my mother who had the unhappy life.

Oh, this rings so many bells. Particularly the being made to dress as a boy and then being criticised for not being pretty! I can't believe so many other people have experienced this. I was constantly mistaken for a boy at school until I was about 13. And always the endless commentary about how beautiful and talented other girls were. When I won a drama competition my mother took me to dinner afterward and expressed her puzzlement that I had won it when so many people had performed better than me. If I ever asked her whether I looked OK she laughed and told me to stop being so needy. She would criticise my clothes and hair and skin in front of other people as though I caused her unbearable shame. Funnily enough, right up until my 30s, I thought we had a really close and loving relationship and my dad was the mad abusive one. (He undoubtedly was both of those things). The eventual acknowledgement that both my parents were difficult was really tough.

I've had this, though not as badly l don't think. I have been told all my life how awful I am/was ('you were an awful baby, then you were an awful toddler, then you were an awful teenager'), and told I had ruined their lives. My parents are very very religious and conservative and so anything outside their very high standards was seen as terrible.

I have a daughter now and it has made me realise just how badly they talked to me.

This is so bizarre, that this has happened to so many other girls. I've experienced this very same thing, a mother who dressed me like a boy, wouldn't let me have a boyfriend as a teenager (or really friends at all, for 8 years of childhood I probably had people over 2-3x a year maximum, and was allowed to other people's houses even less), yet would point out all the beautiful, feminine girls and ask why I couldn't be like them.

She wouldn't even let me brush or style my own hair, then complained that I was childish for "making" her do it. Strongly discouraged from doing anything with clothing, hair, makeup. But she'd always say "you'd be SO pretty if you'd ONLY make an effort."

My sister, meanwhile, was the designated beautiful one, and while I wore clothes on final sale from discount stores, she was given designer jackets and skirts for Christmas, huge allowances for clothing and shoes and makeup.

I was also told I was stupid and lazy in spite of excelling academically, and that I would never meet a boy who would love me, due to my appearance and weight. I had a string of absolutely awful relationships because I had no standards, and was so grateful for anyone to even look my way that I thought I had to take what I could get! It has really impacted me.

It's so strange how so many abusive parents forced their daughters to dress like a boy! My dad (whom I think is probably a psychopath) was always so angry and bitter about women having long hair and always said that women with long hair were slags and were obsessed with it. In old photos of me up to the age of about 8 I look just like a boy! Then after that and especially through my teens my parents hated me making any effort with my appearance. If I even went off to wash my hair I was being selfish!

you poor thing, they sound horrific. I have no advice for you but I think removing them from your life was a good move for you.

OP - I had the same thing from my parents about washing my hair! I was vain and self-obsessed if I showered daily - and yet given a really hard time for looking grubby if I washed my hair as infrequently as they wanted. Such a baffling double bind. Told I was the height of extravagance for practicing basic hygiene, and then berated for not taking pains with my appearance. My mother is visiting me at the moment, and keeps telling me all about the stylish and dynamic women who work for her. Feeling sorry for them if things go wrong in their lives, and when I mildly say I can empathise, having gone through similar things, she will say, 'oh, but Claire's not a complainer.' She has photos of their children on her walls, but none of her own grandchildren.

My best guess is she sees us as extensions of herself: she can't say anything nice to or about us or it would feel like being immodest on her own account. (She can't take a compliment to the extent that she almost physically bats you away if you say something nice to her). She martyrs us the way she martyrs herself.

Everyone adores my mother and tells me how lucky I am to have such a kind and compassionate parent.