Having a wobble :(

[cigarettesandcoffee]

I don't want to be outing with this so I'll try to be vague but include all that needs including

Basically the other day I found out some things about my current partners relationship with ex, it was my own fault I could not have found them out but I did anyway, so totally my fault, but a couple of things made me uneasy, mainly that it was clear that he has taken me to a certain place that it turns out they frequently visited together, think tourist/romantic spot, And he uses the same pet name!!

Its just made me feel really weird and ignited an underlying fear I have that he will fall out of love with me just the same as he did her. Before I suppose I was kidding myself like most people do that we were special, these things have just sort of reminded me that our relationship is not that different and I'm sure he once felt for her like he does for me now!

They were together many years and it's not his fault he stopped feeling the same, and he did it the right way, was honest, no other people involved etc, but it's a worrying trait right? Or am I just being ridiculous? We've talked about marriage and family and honestly the only thing scaring me is that who is to say in 10 years time he won't just suddenly not want to be with me like he did her? But then I think surely that's possible of anyone at any time?

It's really shaken me actually and it's surprised me that it has I think because obviously I've known about their breakup all along

He is the same person so he may well conduct a relationship the same way, but you are not the same as her.

The best thing to do would be to discuss your fears with your DP. If he’s a good man he’ll have learnt from his last relationship and hopefully be keen not to repeat mistakes.

Thanks for the reply, I think what scares me is there's doesn't seem to be any mistakes, which leads me to think maybe it just got harder or boring or something and instead of fighting for it he ran away, I'm sure 10/15 years down the line I'll be a lot more boring than I am now and I don't want to fear him just bolting!

I think I will bring it up with him, I don't really like talking about ex's but maybe hearing more about it will put my mind at ease 🙏

Giving you the same pet name is a little odd (unless it’s something generic like honey, sweetie or bae or whatever); the rest of it, not so much. There’s stuff and places I like that I’d want to do with and introduce a new partner to, regardless of having done them with a previous partner, because they are things I like and which are important to me and which I’d like them to share with me. I appreciate that this might come across as dismissive - but adult relationships shouldn’t be about proving that your new partner is more “special” than your last. Once we get beyond our early twenties we all have histories and markers and the accumulated experiences of a life lived. It’s important to be secure and resilient and confident enough in and of yourself to accept that your partner loved somebody else before you; and that this is perfectly normal and okay and doesn’t diminish their love for you.

As Nona said, you are not his ex and that means your relationship will be a different one to their one. It will play out differently, it doesn’t mean it will end because theirs ended. I mean, it might end, and that’s the chance we take in any relationship, but don’t worry yourself over things you have no control over. Do your best to build the relationship you want and need, to invest in yourself, in the relationship, in being a good couple who want the relationship to work.

There are alawys mistakes!

I’ve been very, very happily married to my DH for twenty years and I can look back and see mistakes that we’ve both made.

I don’t think when you raise this, take it from the “talking about your ex” standpoint. It’s not her you want to understand- it’s him.

Well I already feel a lot better thank you!

I sort of know I'm being a bit silly, but I couldn't snap myself out of it.

Perhaps it's because we've discussed 'the next step' it our relationship and it's made me panic a bit, I feel ready but obviously I have worries I need to discuss with him before we move on