Basically, I have a history of anxiety and being unsure of everything. Growing up, I was constantly worried about my younger brother who has grown up with an illness, and when I was 11 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. They were both sources of great worry for me.
Usually, I can handle everything because I'm "used" to being worried. However, when I get really bad, it manifests itself in not being able to, or at least struggling, to sleep. Over four years ago, I got very stressed and was struggling badly to sleep. I was in a very happy five-year relationship and my anxiety was affecting this. But I got through it, and all of a sudden, I was dumped completely out of the blue. To say I was crushed is an understatement.
Eight months later, my mum died after battling cancer for 14 years. In the year or so after this, I simply moved from fling to fling - only after sex. I then met what is now my current girlfriend. She said she wanted just a casual relationship at the start and I was very happy with this. However, it became clear she was developing feelings, but I was very much still in 'single mode' mindset.
I did like her, but after a while I broke it off because I wasn't ready for a relationship. After I did this, I more or less immediately regretted it because she's such a good person who didn't deserve it. I asked her for another chance, and thankfully, she gave me it. We've been together ever since.
However, as throughout my life, I always question everything. Do I love her? Do I love her enough? What if I'm only convincing or tricking myself? A million negative thoughts. They even popped up from time-to-time with my ex, and were a source of anxiety. But I could usually let them slide off and not bother me too much.
Even though I question my love intermittently, for a long time now I've been feeling so good about the relationship. I know I love her, even though it feels a bit different than my first girlfriend. I was told love never feels the same. I've never been happier than I have been lately and she's the greatest woman, aside from my mum, that I've ever known.
We're now expecting a child, which although is a bit scary, I was very excited about. She is an absolute star but I suddenly starting feeling empty and said to myself "if you truly love someone, you wouldn't be questioning it" and I've been beating myself up. When I have bad thoughts, I feel like I won't sleep, so when I get to bed I struggle. It's like a domino effect. Life has been stressful later, my dad had a life-saving operation two months ago, which I handled well.
But how could I be so happy and excited, now I feel like I'm at rock bottom? It's shaken my world. Everything I was looking forward to, even just a week or two ago, I feel "meh" about.
What do I need to do? have I just let myself get worked up and over-reacted? Would taking anti-anxiety meds help? I could go into a lot more detail, but that's the jist. I should not that this comes in “waves”, where I’ll feel good then BAM it hits me and I focus on it. Any help is greatly appreciated.