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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure how to feel

47 replies

Confused1969 · 11/09/2018 17:17

A few weeks ago, on the way back from holiday, there was a stressful moment at the airport, and rather than help me, dh took a photo of me to show me how awful I look when I'm stressed. He did this in front of our ds and my mother. Prior to this, whenever we had a row or I was stressed about something, he would often say things like "you should see yourself" or "if only you could see how awful you look".

Then today, we had another stressful thing happen - so not a row, but something involving one of his friends borrowing something from us and losing it and he told me but couldn't explain how or where the item had gone - he did it again and went to get the mirror to show me how awful I look.

I'm not sure how I feel. I feel horrible. Don't know what to think. Am I being silly? I admit I am a very anxious and probably over-sensitive person so please do feel free to tell me to calm down and get over it!

OP posts:

Monty27 · 11/09/2018 21:53

What sort of prick is he? I would order deletion. Other than that he is a dickwad and that is unforgivable behaviour.
Why are you with this creature?

anniegranny · 11/09/2018 22:01

I once had a bf who said during an argument, 'God you're ugly when you're angry'! That was then end of him!
I wouldn't stay with this person, his behaviour is cruel and just weird, dump the bastard!

TeacupTattoo · 11/09/2018 22:08

This is awful and not the behaviour of somebody who loves and respects you!!!!
I suffer from ptsd...my husband could say constantly that I'm looking awful with stress/fear/panic but he doesn't because he is actually trying to help me calm. Ugh, my blood is boiling on your behalf. I couldn't actually be with a person so unpleasant. Please have a long, truthful think about if he makes you feel loved, valued, cherished because life is far too short to not be.

lowtide · 11/09/2018 22:52

Jesus Christ is it me, or have the cruel things that people do to others gone into overdrive on here recently.
Everyone looks shit when they’re stressed and flustered, otherwise they would be smiling and calm.

It is fucking Shocking that he does this to you.

I would actually leave someone who did this. I think it’s more shocking than normal.
He has no respect for you at all. And openly mocks you and makes you feel shit about yourself.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the kind of person to slyly put people down and then say “why can’t you take a joke”

dragonflyflew · 12/09/2018 02:30

Cunty. I remember den Watts doing it to Angie to help confront her drinking. It was acceptable because it was in a soap opera in the 80s.
This is just wanky behaviour and designed to shut you down every time your opinion differs from his.
Weirdo.

PurpleCurtains · 12/09/2018 03:57

What a horrible way of minimising your feelings

brokenharbour · 12/09/2018 04:57

Fucking hell. These men. Nearly every thread I open is about some dickhead man thinking it's fine to belittle and emotionally or financially abuse his partner.

Monty27 · 12/09/2018 04:58

One of the final arguments that I had with exdh (I was very angry) he said I looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp. He didn't take a photo but it was just the beginning of the end.
It's as if they enjoy your failure to understand why they are so awful. And enjoy it in some weirdo way. Like driving you to the brink.

AgentJohnson · 12/09/2018 06:31

Congratulations your H is a manchild who has decided that humiliating you is preferable to diffusing a stressful situation rather than help.

Why would you even want to be with someone this immature? This is how some petty insecure people behave to feel better about themselves. Never accept someone’s bullshit because they’ll think you like it and feel entitled to keep serving it up.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics and yours appears to be doormat.

BigBairyHollocks · 12/09/2018 06:37

I have read a lot of horrible shit on MN over the years but I have to say this is one of the worst.He is found this to undermine your confidence,and be deliberately cruel.Why I don’t know,but probably to make himself feel like the big man and to make you feel like you cannot argue or be stressed around him.Whatever the reason,he is an absolute fucker.Have my first ever LTB

losingmymindiam · 12/09/2018 06:37

This is not normal loving behaviour. If a person cares about you, they look to help you. If you are stressed, they should be trying to ease your stress. Letting you get stressed by not helping, especially if knowing you are an anxious person is not something a life partner should do. Don't even get me started on the photo thing. Not nice at all, why are you putting up with it?

cordeliavorkosigan · 12/09/2018 06:42

This is a leave the bastard situation. If he’s doing this, he cannot possibly be a loving and empathetic partner in other ways. Get out before you spend the next two decades being humiliated by this asshole.

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 12/09/2018 07:00

My ex used to say nasty stuff about how I looked when angry, he'd call me a dog or similar. It was his way of shutting me down and trying to humiliate me into submission.

He was an abusive prick and I'm well rid of him. Tell your husband to go fuck himself.

category12 · 12/09/2018 07:12

he's gone through to the departure lounge with no luggage and I'm carrying it all and the lady won't let me through because she thinks I've got too much for one person

Isn't he embarrassed to let you struggle this way? Any man I've ever known would take bags off me and be embarrassed not to carry anything while I have it all. Your dh sounds like he thinks you're his slave and there to make his life easier, and if you complain or struggle, mocks you ad humiliates you. He's a shit.

You would be happier and your life would be easier without him. You don't need him.

DianaT1969 · 12/09/2018 07:44

If you decide to stay with him, you need to stop taking on all the responsibility of planning and finance. You aren't his slave concierge. He doesn't respect you, so take back your life. Get out in the evenings, start a hobby, go to yoga, travel alone and leave your DS with him. Work if you are a SAHM.

Original poster

Confused1969 · 12/09/2018 07:55

Yes, I do know my life would be easier without him but am concerned for ds, and also for the vengeance that would be enacted on me. Am not sure that just changing the locks would cut it. Somehow I need to persuade dh to decide of his own accord to leave....!

Thank you all though. It's so confusing when someone does something to hurt you and then they make out that you're being ridiculous for feeling hurt because they're just trying to 'help' you.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/09/2018 08:01

There are ways out - if he's abusive (it sounds like this is the tip of an iceberg), you should talk to Women's Aid.

It's not good for your ds to see this relationship dynamic - it's the model you're giving him for his own life.

lowtide · 12/09/2018 09:31

Your ds will do this to you and to his future partner if you carry on like this.
Your husband knows you’re embarrassed and everyone around you is embarrassed, look at your mums reaction.

Perhaps you’ll have a lightbulb moment when one day you’re a bit stressed and your son says the same to you that your husband does. And by then I fear it will be too late for him. How’s he supposed to learn to be respectful and a normal human if no one in the family shows him how to do it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/09/2018 06:00

I don't think you want to wait until your H decides to leave of his own accord - he has things how he wants them now, and probably isn't going to lighten up or leave soon. In fact he may escalate.
You need to get RL support, and for both you and your son's sake, get out of this situation. You (and your son) deserve so, so much better.

RainySeptember · 14/09/2018 06:22

I assume you have a good relationship with your mother since you were taking her on holiday with you. I know you say she pretended not to notice, but could you ask her for her honest opinion?

Because xp used to overreact to minor things in a very melodramatic voice, hands on head, shrill voice. It caused anyone near us at the time to look over with amusement, it was quite embarrassing in public really and hard to take seriously.

I'm not saying that's necessarily you op, but would your mum give you an objective answer?

If your behaviour is within normal parameters, he's a dick and you should consider ltb.

If your behaviour is unusual, I would have a frank discussion with him about the best way to help you avoid getting into that state in the first place, and how his current approach is only making things worse.

Sally2791 · 14/09/2018 06:35

It will do more harm to your DS if you stay and let him think this hideous behaviour is ok than if you leave. Don't allow anyone to treat you in such a degrading manner

sparklepops123 · 14/09/2018 06:45

I hate this kind of thing, he's trying to put you down to make himself look better and feels he's superior. Even worse when he does it in front of other people. He's a dick

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