I am appealing to the collective wisdom of mumsnet because I have no one in real life that I can discuss this with.
I'd be grateful for thoughts/questions/anything that might help me come to the right decision. I've always found it really difficult to make decisions . I know leaving a relationship is not easy for anyone but I've had a couple of really terrible breakups and my relationship history is so unhappy generally that it seems to get harder to know what to do and when to do it.
Ok I don't want to make a really long post so to cut to the quick.
Since my divorce I've lived alone for about 4 years (co-parenting). I am in no hurry to live with someone again and in fact this is probably the reason that I haven't joined a dating site or made any attempt to meet anyone locally. I am slightly avoidant and an introvert so like to have a lot of space within relationships.
Wasn't looking for anything but company really so spent a lot of time on forums/online. I met someone online and quickly fell into an internet "relationship". I now know this is easy to do if you talk to someone every day for a while you can quickly get quite close to them. After about 8 months we decided to meet in a neutral country . I knew it was important to meet rather than let something drag on for years and be caught up in the fantasy. We spent a few days together, got on very well, holiday romance. Got back. felt close to him as a friend but I guess the fantasy started to break down when I looked into the practicalities of a long term relationship. Due to us being in different countries, my low wage, the possibility of being together is difficult/ if not impossible. So we have kept talking because he wants to try for a visa ( at some point- he needs to save money etc). Meanwhile my relationship style is that I tend to lose enthusiasm unless there's a lot going on/a lot to talk about etc. I don't miss the physical side of a relationship but I really miss having an emotional connection. This is why at the beginning online was good. Now, however, I just want someone to go out with at the weekends, have a cup of tea with, go walking with. I miss that.
Another year passes. I get some interest from another couple of people in my city. I turn one down and meet the other for coffee as friends. When I realise there is some romantic interest from him I say I can't and it's complicated as I have someone online. He tells me "You don't owe him anything" and that an online relationship is not a real relationship. This friendship fizzles out. I'm practically alone in my city.
I meet the online guy again for a short holiday to see if I still feel anything. I think it's gone but I'm still close to him as a friend. He's probably my best friend at the moment. He sees a future with me. I say it's unlikely to happen. I feel it's so unlikely I can't invest and I've checked out.
I've just heard a friend of mine is coming to my city for a few days soon. Id love to show him around, spend time with him. I am close to this man and it's possible things could happen if I was free. To clarify I'm not looking for a husband or live in boyfriend. I'm not interested in casual sex. But I'm in my late 40s and opportunities to just go out and have fun and have some dates might not come along that often.
I feel I'm dragging out the inevitable and I ought to break up with the online guy not because I don't like him I do but because I'm not sure how you can stay interested, invested and committed to someone you can only see once a year ( I don't think I want to go away next year. It's money and time I can't afford and logistics with the ex re children).
If I break-up he will be devastated and I'll lose my current best friend. If I do it I don't know how to do it and what to say. He will ask me so many questions. The last time I tried to do it he was asking if I'd had a proposition from someone or was in love with someone else. I feel I don't want to have to justify or give a reason beyond. I don't want to stop living my life . At the moment we talk every day at the same time and some days I don't want to talk or have nothing to say. If I go out I have to text when I get in, before I go to bed.
If I was living with someone of course I'd be trying to work things out, not giving up so easily, not wanting to go out with other people. But I'm not. I'm on my own and although I like my own company. I'm lonely.