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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please....

12 replies

tingtangwalawallabingbang · 11/09/2018 12:13

Been with DP over a year and things going nicely. Both live in separate homes and both have 2 DC. I have my DC 100% of time and DP has his EOW/E and 1 night a week. DP eldest child is typical moody teenager DP has just announced he want to spend 'his weekends' with his DC on his own after previously integrating the 2 'families' together. Whilst I appreciate he wants to spend time on his own with his DC, I cant help feeling like this is a backward step and wonder if the relationship has a future. DP says his DC doesn't have an issue with me or my DC so I'm struggling to understand the backward step. We were never with them all weekend but would often be there 1 night.... Please be gentle - Am I just over reacting??

OP posts:

fuddle · 11/09/2018 12:37

So when is your DP going to see you? Every other weekend. I think you need to talk with Yr DP as you'll be seeing less of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2018 13:23

If the roles were reversed everyone would be up in arms if your partner balked because you needed to place priority on your children.

He's a parent. His children come first in his life as they should. All your insecurity and jealousy will accomplish is to lose a good relationship.

Original poster

tingtangwalawallabingbang · 11/09/2018 13:23

Yes, although its more how the long term future looks for us - its like an 'us and them' scenario brewing..... I feel we should be looking to integrate the 2 families, not divide them.

OP posts:

TeeBee · 11/09/2018 13:27

Why do you need to integrate? To suit you? The children's needs should come first...and sometimes this means not integrating families.

Original poster

tingtangwalawallabingbang · 11/09/2018 13:43

So if the families cant integrate does that suggest we don't have a future together?

OP posts:

Goldilocks3Bears · 11/09/2018 14:07

We have a similar set up except my kids go away every second weekend to their dad but the kids have not met each other because two of them are not ready and we’ve had other stuff going on. Kids come first. He sees them more during the week but there has still been issues when I’ve been over and they’ve been there. I can only imagine how those issues would have been much worse if I showed up with my kids in tow.

In the scope of dating in this scenario, a year is not a long time.

Making him feel bad about seeing his kids is only going to set you back. You need to decide if you are happy to work together for the future. You can’t say it like that as he’ll flip and run a mile.

Suggestion: “I’m really proud of you for what a great dad you are being to Grumpy. It means a lot to me that you have quality time”

Wait for his response and LISTEN actively to what he is saying and then add.

“I hope we can find a way to have fun and do things together the two of us”

Then stop. Leave him to work it out and be the problem solver. Don’t suggest anything else. Then take a step back on his weekends and leave him to it. Don’t message etc.

Original poster

tingtangwalawallabingbang · 11/09/2018 14:18

Thanks Goldilocks, that's a really helpful reply. I really do understand him wanting to spend time with his kids. I think I over think things and as for him being the problem solver - I don't think that will ever happen! :-)

OP posts:

Goldilocks3Bears · 11/09/2018 14:39

Within going all men are from mars, women from Venus on you ..... men have a basic need to provide and solve problems. Him saying he needs to spend weekends with Grumpy is him solving the problem of them needing more time. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Men also like to win so now that he is winning at parenting, you need to sow the seeds for him to win at this.

It’s a tall order when you have your own house, money, kids, etc and killing bears to feed you and your kids has been frowned upon for some years now so you need to find another way of making him feel needed, ask for help with man stuff, etc.
After a few months of them spending time alone, Grumpy will probably be the first one to get bored and fuck off to see their mates instead so don’t panic.

Don’t lose your girlfriend position here by trying to be mum and solve everything - let him have a go and see how it works out.

Original poster

tingtangwalawallabingbang · 11/09/2018 14:42

Thank you again, you make so much sense! x

OP posts:

Goldilocks3Bears · 11/09/2018 15:07

My bf has three teenage daughters so I can relate 🔫

fuddle · 12/09/2018 08:06

I know this probably goes against what everyone else is saying only you know him. I take it you see him on the weekends he's not with his DC. I would be careful he's not giving you the slow fade (gut instinct and all that)

Musti · 12/09/2018 08:17

I have 4 kids and sometimes when I feel one or two of them could benefit with some one to one time with me or their dad, we do that. If I were you/him I wouldn't do either extreme. Sometimes get together with everyone and sometimes just him and his kids.

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