Am I selfish?

[Chasingdandelions]

Long story short
I have a 6 year old dd with dh
He has suffered with depression since I give birth and on all occasions I have obviously supported him through and even given up my own work to look after him. I feel like I’ve encouraged him and cared for him the best I can. My problem is I feel such resentment towards him. Mainly its because we both wanted more children in them 6 years but recognised it was not the right time for him emotionally. He’s now in a good place and has been stable for enough time for us to ttc but due to the medication he takes (he will be on these for life) he’s not able to ‘preform’. I know it’s absolutely not his fault and I feel so horrible thinking this way but I feel like I’ve waited 6 years for another baby to now be faced with the reality that it might not happen... it’s hurting me more than I could have ever imagined. I’m trying to be differentiate between him and the depression but it’s hard and I’m scared he suspects how I feel. I know we can always consider adopting and if needed I would absolutely go down that route but I know that won’t be easy due to his mental health coming up. I don’t really know what I want from this. It’s a weird feeling of needing to almost grieve for the fact I won’t be having more children. I will never leave him but I’m terrified my resentment will build up and I will end up taking it out on him and destroying our marriage. I feel so much guilt for resenting him and so much guilt because I’ve already got one child and I know some people can’t have any so I don’t feel I have the right to complain. He is not so keen on the adoption idea either which makes me even more resentful. I know I’m being a selfish I just don’t know how to stop thinking this way?

Firstly you've had a lot on your plate the last 6 years and you're allowed to feel some anger towards those experiences.

Rather than adopt would fertility treatment be an option?

If he's not able to perform and thus no penetrative sex for the rest of your life, are you OK with that and are you convinced that you can keep each other sexually satisfied (as opposed to your eyes starting to wander in a few years)

It's OK to grieve for the life you wanted. I'd say it's necessary for you to get out the other side.

Hopefully someone else will have better experiences and advice

Would it be possible for him to switch meds? Most drugs have multiple others in their class which will have similar side effects but people respond to them differently. Obviously if he is doing very well on a certain drug it is a risk, though, which he would have to weigh up.

Thank you for your replies. He’s spoken with his doctor and changed medications a few times now but all do unfortunately have the same side effect on him. He’s previously tried lowering the doseage also but he started to go downhill again.
Im not sure in the future how we will keep each other satisfied in honestly but I can’t ever see me being with anybody else, while I know it’s a lot to deal with id never want to be without him. I’d not really thought of other fertility options, I’m capable of pregnancy so It’s definitely something I could discuss with him when I build up the courage to talk things through. You’ve hit the nail on the head about grieving for the life I wanted. I feel this is what I’m doing and coming to terms with things but feeling so much guilt for doing so. Thank you both for being so kind!

I can't offer you any advice other than say you sound wonderful. You are not being selfish it maybe time to start thinking much more about yourself.

Totally different but I have a complex needs child. I love him to the ends of the earth, twice round the moon and back. But the life we have isn't the life i planned. I don't love him any less but there's stuff we didn't do and stuff we can't do and stuff we do differently. But to really enjoy the life we have I've had to grieve for the child I expected, and the life I thought I would have. I feel guilty for feeling like that but I know it doesn't affect how I love him. If anything it's a now honest love than I'd I pretended it was never hard.

I only asked about the sex because for some it's a deal breaker. If it isn't, it isn't. You are quite capable of doing what you need to do by yourself 😲😲😜😜😜
But make sure you keep the intimacy going. It will make the rest of your lives much easier xx

Is the depression caused by not liking being a parent / not liking that your partner now puts the child first

Although he can't 'perform', does his body produce sperm?
If so then you might be OK.
If not, then you could look at donor sperm.
I would say with your husbands mental health being so fragile, an adopted child would not help the situation at all.
I went through the whole 9 month process and it's not for the faint-hearted and certainly not for someone with depression.
It's truly heartbreaking and maybe not something he could cope with.
See what other options there are out there.

Thank you fuddle, I think you might be right.
Sleeping standing up I understand where you’re coming from, because that’s how I feel but obviously different circumstances, and I’m sure you’re still a fantastic mother! I will make sure I’m all sorted in the sex life department 😂 you’re right though, I’m lucky he is very affectionate.
Rabbitsaretasty no it’s just unfortunate timing. He has other reasons or rather people cause it who made things worse while I was pregnant. My pregnancy and birth wasn’t the easiest so I think he held a lot in and when I recovered it all came out.

...in sickness and in health. Did you mean that when you said it? If so don't hold it against him, you wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed. Be grateful for what you do have, not what you don't.

Hellsbells yes he can’t produce sperm. This was my worry about adoption. I’ve heard it’s emotionally very difficult and not for the faint hearted

It's some kind of extreme emotional rollercoaster.
I'm a very strong person but the course totally floored me.
I was a blubbering mess on a couple of occasions.
It's also after that, that will be a huge challenge.
If you want a baby you will wait a long time.
Any child slightly older than a baby is going to come along with all sorts of issues.
None of their own doing of course, but it's a lot to cope with.
And it's long long long term!!
It's not like in the movies.

Has he managed to resolve the people problems underlying the depression?

If he can perform on occassion to fill a cup then you have some options. Of course that's the "easy" part. The hard part will be dealing with a child, a baby, maybe another problem pregnancy and a husband on the edge all on your own.

Oh sorry, just read your last update. Bugger.

Yes he’s resolved the issues now which I think is why he’s stable and depression free now.
I think I do need to research into other options and talk with him about his thoughts. And I need to prepare for a journey ahead as I definitely don’t see a easy road for us to able to have more children.