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Original poster

Ex and maintenance....

22 replies

TheKnightBus · 11/09/2018 09:01

So, unsure if I’m being incredibly UR or ex is.

We split up 4 years ago and have 3 DC. Eldest (14) isn’t biologically his child. Ex and I got together when eldest DS was a baby and Ex went to court to get parental responsibility. Ex is the only father DS has ever known and calls him dad.

We had a very acrimonious divorce. Ex knowingly underpaid maintenance for a year until I went to CMS. It was formalised through CMS but although he has parental responsibility in every other way he is under no obligation to pay for DS.

He said he had spoken to them and they’d given him the amount it would cost for 3 DC even though he only has to pay for 2. Fine.

I spoke to CMS yesterday and it turns out he’s been paying £100 less a month....He lied about their calculations.

DS doesn’t always like spending time with him and doesn’t always go with his brothers for visits as says he favouritises his biological sons. Also his new partner has been saying some pretty awful things about me in front of him.

Is this UR of ex re the maintenance?

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 11/09/2018 09:14

I can see why you’d feel like that, and he really shouldn’t have lied (which also suggests he feels he’s ducking a moral commitment). You’d also hope he’d see your eldest more in the same light as his natural kids.

However it’s also easy to see how feelings about you, following an acrimonious split, could affect how he feels about your eldest. Not saying it’s nice, or right, but kind of understandable.

Is he paying what he should be for the two others? Does your ds’ Dad pay for him? If not, why not?

Original poster
TheKnightBus · 11/09/2018 09:55

Yes he pays for the others.

Eldest’s father has never wanted anything to do with him and moved abroad before he was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheKnightBus · 11/09/2018 09:57

Ex knows how much I struggle financially. He seedbed then two nights a month and has them for a week a year for holidays.

I asked him to help with school uniform as I was overdrawn and it’s been expensive this years and he said not a chance...

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 11/09/2018 10:33

I can see why he doesnt want to pay.

Changedname3456 · 11/09/2018 11:02

One weekend a month and one week in the hols? Not competing for father of the year is he?

I’m a divorced Dad and would kill for the opportunity to go back to 50:50 (long story) rather than the eow and half hols I’ve been shafted with. He’s a dick and YANBU for being pissed off with how he’s behaving, outside of whether he should be paying for your eldest.

user1492863869 · 11/09/2018 11:08

Forgive me if I am misunderstanding, but are you saying that he is paying the correct amount for his 2 biological children but not your other son?

If so, there is not a lot you can do to compel him otherwise if this is a conscious decision on his behalf. The acrimony means you don’t really have a relationship that can influence him to do the morally correct thing. At the moment at least. You could try to rebalance this and begin to establish a more neutral parenting arrangement that could give you the in to influence him to rebuild his relationship with your eldest. He may then accept his financial responsibilities.

Otherwise you need to be informed about what you are actually entitled to and not rely on somebody else, with whom you have a bad relationship, to do this for you. This is your responsibility and you have options to enforce it. I don’t understand why your ex tells you what he wants to pay and you don’t check that it is correct.

You may have to accept this is all the money you are going to get or can rely on. Look to other options for improving your income, short and long might include your ex taking on more parenting of his biology children to allow you to earn more.

Leaving aside the financial situation, you need to help your eldest deal with the situation. If it is damaging for him to visit them he shouldn’t. At least until you get your ex to think about and change his behaviour. And that of his current partner.

Adults bitching about each other and fighting isn’t healthy for any of the children and if you can, this is something you should try to address. It’s not easy and might not be achievable but worth trying. Even if you have to park some of his past poor behaviour and play nice.

Original poster
TheKnightBus · 11/09/2018 11:36

Two Saturday nights a month and one week in the holidays, his choice. He moved away about two years ago to live with his new gf. DC have been really upset by it.

Yes, he pays the full amount for his two biological dc and £7 a week for his non biological dc.

I took his word for it in the beginning as our relationship was okay at the time. I realise there is nothing I can do, not sure if I’m BU to even expect him to pay the same amount.

OP posts:
user1492863869 · 11/09/2018 12:24

Whether you are being unreasonable is not the issue, more that it was unrealistic given the deteriorating relationship. I’m not saying you should have changed your behaviour or response to him. But even were relationships are good, people will try to wriggle out of financial obligations and this was always discretionary.

You can only appeal to his discretion and you need to have a reasonable or good relationship for that to happen. I don’t know if that is realistic or just a waste of time. If he thinks he can’t afford more or has a partner pressuring him to pay the minimum then it’s likely to be a non starter. Really sad for you and your son.

What are your other options to make life more affordable.

SD1978 · 11/09/2018 12:29

So does he legally have to hive you the other €100 or is it juts that you would like him to provide for all three equally? Ultimately, if your son is not his financial responsibility you can't make him pay that. Juts because your sons father is useless and non contact. If he does owe or, then I'd persue it.

Trialsmum · 11/09/2018 12:31

Honestly, I don’t think you can expect him to pay for a child that isn’t biologically his. It was nasty of him to lie about it though and try to paint himself in a better light.

m0vinf0rward · 11/09/2018 12:35

So he pays correctly for his children but not yours from a previous relationship? Well then...the other child is YOUR responsibility not his. If you're short of cash then go after the other child's father, not him. TBH I'd not pay or take any responsibility for a child that wasn't mine. If that leaves you looking after your DS when he has his two ..so be it.

DancingDot · 11/09/2018 12:39

Your post isn't clear OP. Did CMS say that your EX is paying £100 less to you than he should be. If so go through CMS and get exactly what you are due.

DancingDot · 11/09/2018 12:43

And if he has court ordered parental rights then he should be paying maintenance. Parental responsibility extends to providing a comfortable environment in which a child can be supported through childhood. Providing suitable shelter, clothing, food and educational items is also the parent’s duty.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2018 12:44

Go thro cms and get what your children are entitled to.

I personally wouldn’t hold him to financially support your eldest son but I would ensure he is paying exactly what he should for the younger ones.

Can you not pursue the older DS’s father for maintenance?

SandyY2K · 11/09/2018 12:51

Can you not pursue the older DS’s father for maintenance?
He left the country before he was born. He's 14 yo and never wanted anything to do with his DS.

Does it logically sound like an option to pursue him for money.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/09/2018 15:02

It makes more sense to me to chase the biological father for maintenance than demand it from an ex partner who isn’t biologically related to the child.

Maintenance isn’t dependant on whether the father is physically involved or interested in his child.

Ch0cBr0wnie2 · 11/09/2018 20:27

Why should your ex be paying for a child that is not biologically his ? Do you work ? As per other recent posts, what plans do you have for when all child payments stop in the future
What can you do to maximize your own earnings ?

Thebluedog · 11/09/2018 20:42

It’s really difficult and I feel your pain OP.

I’m in a similar position. I have one biological dc with my ex, and we adopted another dc together, however he left before it was all legally finalised and social services recommended I singularly adopted her, which I did (we didn’t want anything to jeopardise the adoption so took ss stand point) My ex sees both the dc regularly, they are both his dc, both see him as much, both call him dad, and he treats them the same and considers them the same. Until it comes to maintenance. He’s not legally entitled to pay for the youngest and doesn’t. Morally however, I think he should and when she’s older, and if she finds out he’s not paid a penny towards her upkeep, but has her sister, god know what will happen.

So a long winded way of saying you abu and he doesn’t legally have to pay, however morally is a different story

Thebluedog · 11/09/2018 20:43

I a different note? I thought that if someone had parental responsibility for a child they had to pay maintenance

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/09/2018 20:51

Interesting - so when social services tell people that a step father getting parental responsibility is just the same as adoption then it isn’t really.

ArnoldBee · 11/09/2018 20:57

So you're pissed off with your ex who has been a father to your eldest including paying for him and being actively part of his upbringing but it's ok for his biological father to be a tosspot?
I would concentrate on the relationship he has with your eldest rather then trying to get more money from him.

Original poster
TheKnightBus · 11/09/2018 22:54

I was shocked too. So he has parental responsibility meaning I need his consent for a lot of things yet the CMS have categorically told me he has no legal obligation to pay maintenance for him.

OP posts:
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