Women's Aid-feel sick after calling them. Hand hold needed please.

[scaredofex]

I phoned for advice on how to make my stbexh stop controlling me via the courts. She asked me about our marriage and I didn't realise how bad things actually were as had normalised things really. I feel sick after she told me he'd repeatedly raped me because being coerced isn't consent. She's given me the number of the local dv centre and advised me to ring them and to get this all documented with the police too. There's so many things he's done, mainly since we separated but during the marriage he was abusive in all ways. I feel sick to my stomach that I had kids with him.

Well done for getting out and for calling Women's Aid. Please don't blame yourself, abusers are often very good at convincing their victims that it's not abuse , that the victim is over-reacting etc.

Yes do speak to the DV centre and get councelling as it sounds like you've been through an awful lot. Perhaps you've been in shock up til now and it's all starting to sink in? Having PTSD wouldn't be unusual either so maybe see a doctor.

Remind yourself that you're in control now. You're no longer with him. You've contacted an organisation that can help you, and there are others who will help you move on with your life. You are now deciding what happens next, not him.

You are not to blame and all the shame and guilt lies with him. No one is horrible all the time, women wouldn't go out with men if they showed their real (bad) selves from the beginning. It's a drip-drip process, and no amount of money, education, looks etc makes a woman immune. Before you know it you have a "new normal", and it's only when you leave you see that "normal" for what it is.

Be kind to yourself, and take any and all the help you need.

Sorry, I should have clarified. We've been separated going on 6 years. He's got worse since he left for someone else. I'm not sure he expected me to file for divorce the day he walked out the door but I did and didn't know about the other woman for a couple of months. He was proud and couldn't wait to tell me.

That sounds really tough. It's horrible when something big like that suddenly dawns on you. Have you got any friends or family who can help you through this?

No one in real life, no.
I've been reading up on coercion in sex and the article was saying how rape tends to be classed as a violent event which is why women like me struggle to identify what we've experienced as rape.
I'm trying to navigate new school for 2 kids, caring for a relative who has had surgery, looking after two households and doing all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and personal care in both holes. And now trying to get my head round all this. I'm so tired.

Any one of those things would overwhelm a lot of people. Do you have the money for a therapist or counsellor? I think this is something that you will sooner or later need help with. The relative will get better - is there anyone who can give you a break? School things will become routine. So on those fronts things will ease off. That should enable you to start the healing process.

Just feel proud of yourself and well done for getting rid of him! Whenever you feel a bit down, look at this thread to remind yourself of how strong you have been so far.

I just want him to leave me alone and get on with his life. He's got his new partner, new kids, she's got kids from a previous relationship too so he's got plenty to occupy him. Is he pissed off l'm Divorcing him and wants revenge?

So sorry you're facing all this. It's a lot to take in. Bless you

(I'm not being patronising - I wish someone had blessed me when I was going through it!)

Get in touch with the org she suggested and get the ball rolling with getting support. You've a lot on your plate at the mo and you need as much support as possible. Is your GP any good? HV?

Take care. Take it slowly, a day at a time xx

Today feels better. I've got a GP appointment this week to talk about things. I've some spare time this afternoon so will phone the local DV place. Thanks everyone

🌸 🌹 🌷

My worry now is that he'll accuse me of dv in response. I did slap him a few times over the years when I had Pnd and he would call me psychotic and tell me the children would be taken away from me.

Go to the GP, you are entitled to counselling on NHS, he has systematically abused you OP. You have been brave to face it out but oddly when you do it can make you feel very low. DON'T worry!!! That is quite normal, also you will now start to feel better, you have done the hardest bit. It won't be easy telling your GP but you can ask for a female GP if you prefer and he/she will be very understanding. Make a numbered list of what you want to say. And make sure to say how its making you feel now and that you would like some counselling to deal with what has been done to you. Also you would like it documented!

Yes, by threatening you he is trying to get revenge. By instigating the divorce YOU have taken away his power over you. He doesn't like this and will kick back because he cannot bear that you have got control over him for this one thing.

It is a fairly usual reaction from abusive men. It is terribly hard to do this but the best way to deal with it is rise above it. (I know, I know, easier said than done, I've been there)

You are going through a lot on top of this, and no doubt feel rotten to the core about being coerced.

Please OP look after yourself FIRST - can you get support for your relative? Can you ignore the ironing and housework for a few weeks? Concentrate on yourself and the kids until you feel up to taking on the next step.

Life looks pretty shit now op but - as far away as it seems - it will get easier to deal with his aggro.

Hugs x

You'd think after so many years that revenge wouldn't be an issue He sats he's happy and has moved on yet here he is still trying to control anything. If I take a stand he just says I'm controlling him or abusing the children or an unreasonable and irrational and delusional, lying, how he's the hard done to one etc etc. It's always twisted back onto me and unfortunately the children see me as being awkward for not letting him swap and change contact at the drop of a hat and say I'm stopping him from seeing them when I've not at all, I've just wanted an agreement stuck to.
I've told my solicitor I'm disengaging from all the emails he sends him and won't answer unless urgent. Solicitor can deal with him.

Police have closed the case as not enough to meet the threshold for any crime.

It's always twisted back onto me and unfortunately the children see me as being awkward for not letting him swap and change contact at the drop of a hat and say I'm stopping him from seeing them when I've not at all

This has likely come from him, they'll have heard him say things either directly to them or indirectly to someone else.

How old are the children? Would counselling be an option for them?