18 year old in controlling relationsip

[SuzyQ67]

My daughter has got herself involved in a controlling relationship, she's 8 & this is her first serious relationship, they recently broke up because he cheated on her but now back together. Have since found out that he has little respect for her, expecting her to go to him at all times of the night, 5am the other morning. He owes her money, which he is showing little sign of repaying. As a child she has always been challenging / wilful and when seeking counselling support in the past she has not been receptive! As parents my husband and I don’t really know how to handle this in the right way. Over the last few days there have been lots of arguments & shouting, which obviously is getting us nowhere! Help

How old is he?

He is the same age, and whilst I appreciate he may be learning about relationships too, I am not finding any comfort with that and my primary concern is obviously my daughter.

to confirm my daughter is 18 and NOT 8!1

This is so so hard.
My DD was in a similar situation at 17.
I just kept drip drip dripping info to her about abusive relationships.
Had a chat with her friends, who finally convinced her to end it.
She is with a lovely man now but at 18, there is not much can actually do.
I also got my DD THIS BOOK
Not sure if she read it all but it seemed to help.

Why have an argument with her? Who is the victim and who is the perpetrator? What does she think a good relationship looks like? Have you had a conversation about relationships, boundaries, respect with her?
By being confrontational, you will be pushing her away, where and whom will she run to? You'll be the bad guys and he'll be the knight in shining armour.
And at the end of the day she is 18 and deemed an adult. I know it's perplexing, but sometimes they have to find out for themselves.

Be ready to pick up the pieces!!

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he harms a hair on her head, that you'll pull his bollocks off with blunt pliers and post them to his mum!

I have spoken with a councillor who recommended the very same book, thank you,
I totally agree with your comments noego and having a constructive rather that obstructive conversation is what I am hoping to achieve, however, when she wont talk back to us, its difficult to have that conversation, and unfortunately tempers become frayed . We certainly don't want to push her away, and we tell her all the time we love her. Nobody can say hand on heart that their relationship is perfect, but Dad and I have been together 27 years, with no major arguments, so our relationship is what I would hope she would see as a good one. I suppose what I am looking for is if anybody who has gone through this - what did they do.

On the bright side at least it's not someone much older than her? That would have been even worse, speaking from personal experience of having had abusive relationship with both same age guy and someone much older than me when I was 18/20

There is no point arguing with her or telling her not ro date him, as that will just push her to him. Try to talk to her as an adult to an adult, although I am sure u see her as a little girl who doesn't know anything about life yet. Maybe by approaching her like that and having a calm conversation about it, she will see your point of view. Just keep reminding her that she deserves better than this, as maybe her self esteem is down and she feels like she isn't good enough/deserving of better treatment, or that nobody will love her if she dumps him.

Hugs x