It’s a long story, sorry in advance. These things develop over time in subtle ways. A little bit, then a little bit more...
I was very generous with including her in my family because she was/is single - no dc. After our parents passed, I felt sorry for her. She was over generous with gifts for my (2 at that time ds and dd) dc-trunk loads every time she came (lives 80 miles away-1-1/2 hr drive here in the States).
Always out spent me at Christmas, but asking if this was ok? I didn’t really get it so never said no. I tried to reciprocate $ to $ for her but just couldn’t keep up (I’m a sham). Outings, theater, etc...I finally told her I wasn’t running up my Visa for entertainment.
She took dd to get her ears pierced when she was 12. I was ok with that and told her she could...but her friends were raising their eyebrows like I should have minded. I let it slide.
Then she started to say she was taking dd traveling overseas when she turned 18. I didn’t say anything. She said it again later and said when dd is 18 there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it. I told her that was offensive and she didn’t bring it up again.
Dd spent a week with her during that summer when she was 12- like a week at Camp Auntie. My dd felt the need to distance herself from the controlling bossiness and wanted to come home early but felt guilty because of the show tickets so stayed.
The “enough is enough” circumstance came when I had the audacity to get pregnant again. It was a surprise pregnancy, I was 45 and there was a 13 year gap with dd. Sister blew a head gasket. I had begun to realize that I should distance myself from her...but then the pregnancy: I thought I needed her at that point. I asked her to save “a couple” of vacation days for me.
Someone at work told her since our parents were dead, she could apply for maternity leave to help out family. Like I was a pregnant adolescent with a chemical addiction (not to insult pregnant adolescents with chemical addictions, iyswim).
She didn’t ask, but informed me that she applied; I was too shocked to say anything. I thought I would let her HR department handle it. Yes, they denied her. She told me this and said they were wrong and insisted they process the request again. I told her if she needed a sabitical that was fine but she would not be spending the majority of it here. HR denied her again (bless them!). (I suspect the people at work were playing her and she fell for it hook line and sinker- can hear them laughing still.)
And then there is my other sister, who is a nurse. She was coming to help first and controlling one was to come later -she was welcome to come to the birth -but for helping- to come two weeks later as dh was taking time off work. And those were the only 3 people I had to help so it made sense to spread it out.
Nurse sister came up the week I was due (I went over due and had to be induced) and the controlling one was furious. I said it isn’t like we are out partying. Nurse sister offered to call her when I was in the hospital. I just decided no, she was the last person I wanted to see walk through the door.
Dh screened the call: Was nurse sister still there? Did Band have the baby yet? Let me talk to Band (no-she’s sleeping).
I finally spoke to her about ten days later and gave her the “taking a break from the relationship” line. Let her know she needed to make other plans for the holidays (this was in March!!). Let her know my “Family Duty” card was punched out (ten full years after last parent passed).
I decided if she asked to see my baby, I would not hesitate to say yes of course.
My little one was 7 years 9 months old when sister finally saw her...for 20 minutes and that was not a direct request to see dd2 (overstay visit at Nurse sister to see me).
Sorry for the essay. We have been NC ten years now. Sometimes I waver and consider reconnecting but my counselor says “Don’t do it!”. Too much damage was done -very depressive as she was a self esteem vampire.