Why does DM do this?

[ShackUp]

My relationship with my mum is becoming a bit strained recently and I would really appreciate some perspective on it. For context, she's late 60s and DC are 2 and nearly 6.

She is a martyr. She helps occasionally with DCs (lives 2 hours away), for example, if they're poorly (very rare) but it's so much hassle nowadays that DH or I just take leave if something comes up. She says things like, 'I was at your house for 21 days in a row that Christmas' (she came to stay for just over a week to help with a tricky work period - 5 YEARS AGO, when DS1 was a year old).

She lectures me like a child. I broke my toe yesterday and took it to the minor injuries unit this morning. She told me off for (a) not going last night (b) not having any change for parking and (c) not taking her medical advice ('I have been on 10 first aid courses! Etc etc).

She always knows better than everyone, and has become irritatingly grandiose and superior. This has always been a trait but she has ramped it up massively recently.

I feel like the only solution is just to tell her the bare minimum and never ask for help ('I never had ANY help!'). It's bloody hard with little ones (DH works quite far away) and I was kind-of expecting not to be made to feel like an ungrateful brat for even asking for help occasionally

Bump...

I feel like the only solution is just to tell her the bare minimum and never ask for help

There's your answer!!

Probably because she's a cunt.

Read the "Stately Homes" thread.

Is she Stately Homes level though? My childhood wasn't abusive and she can be really supportive in some ways. I feel like this is more of an old age thing?

It's very hard with young children, especially with your husband absent a lot.

But having this woman in your life sounds like an extra burden, to be honest. Not a help.

Can you arrange some sort of babysitting/playdate exchange system with other local parents so that you get some respite sometimes? Or an ad hoc childminder occasionally?

And it might be worth looking at the Stately Homes thread, as a PP suggested.

flexo I have a 'back up' childminder for emergencies, who is just a friend, who's moving away soon. I wonder if my mum has noticed I've stopped asking for her to come over and help? Maybe that was her intention.

She sulked at me over the summer because I explained that DS1 probably wouldn't be able to read some books she'd bought him until he was a bit older. My dad then had a go at me for turning the visit into a miserable weekend (it only went on for about half an hour, he tends to catastrophise).

Oops, cross post. Well, Stately Homes or not, your DM doesn't sound helpful and makes you feel bad. Also she lives a long way away.

Whether it's age or some other factor, the bottom line is that she's not going to be helping you out... It's disappointing, but she's not the parent/grandparent you wish she could be. I have a similar situation and I just try to have less emotional/practical investment in that relationship. I try to put my energy into better relationships with people I get on well with, and we help each other out. Yes, it's sad, and your mum won't have the reward of closeness and time with her family, but you can't change that.

Hmmm and if your parents are sulking at you and having a go at you (over perfectly reasonable behaviour) then Stately Homes don't seem to have been ruled out... Either way, this relationship sounds like a drain on you and not a beneficial situation. You may become glad of that 2 hour journey time.

Is she Stately Homes level though

Yes. Seriously.

ShackUp,

re your comment:-

"I feel like the only solution is just to tell her the bare minimum and never ask for help"

Correct, that is precisely as well how you treat narcissists and their enablers. Read up on narcissistic mothers and see how much of that reflects with your own experiences of her as her DD. She is probably more "supportive" of you when she can swoop in and do her rescuing type behaviours whilst saying to others, "oh ShackUp cannot manage without me".

She is not the kindly mother you perhaps still want her to be either. Its not your fault she is the ways she is, you did not make her that way. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I think the Stately Homes thread is ideal for you actually.

Its not at all an old age thing or even perhaps a recent thing; your parents have always been like this to some degree. Your dad is playing a role here by being her hatchet man and enabler. He is also not above blaming you for things that are not your fault either, you did not buy the books that your son cannot read as yet. Sulking as well is really another form of emotional abuse.

Having read more about both your parents I would certainly put more mental distance between you and they. You have physical distance here to your advantage, work on mentally further distancing yourself.