Small lies?

[Doolittle3]

I have been with my husband for 27 years and and have 8 Yr old and 2yr old twins.. Hubbie been working away in England for past 2 years.. comes home every 3 weeks for 1 week (working from home) Anyway, spotted a photo of hubby with attractive girl on his photos whilst kids were using His ipad. Was a photo taken in sports bar _ you know the kind - bar photographer takes them and puts them up on their facebook/instagram pages. I knew he had been out for the night with people from work around that time and asked him who had all goine out with him and he impluied was few people from work and some who had already leaft but was vague with the details..Thought It odd that hehad this photo and thought must have been sent to him.. Anyway, Curiously - I looked on his phone and discovered that he had gone out for the night with somebody he had worked with... Clear for the text exchange that my hubby thought she was arranging a night out with few others but transpires on the day that it was only going to be them 2... anyway, the texts indicate that he got home at 5am as he sent one to her to tell her he was home and she texts him at 9am in response and asks where the f88ck did he disappear to... the exchange was bit flirty - he called her Hun... and asked if she enjoyed Herself and must do it again... I trust him, but I feel uneasy as why lie to me that he was out with a crowd when he went out with Her (was it to avoid me questioning him).. Also she in earlier texts advised him that she was in process of seperating from her husband.... I kind of suspicious why she never arranged for others to come out with them... also what the feck were they both doing when they met at 7pm and he got home at 5.30am....he lives close to town...am I being paranoid here? Perhaps bit jealous as I never go out with him except odd dinner date every 3 months or so as we have no family to support us here... Can't remeber teh last time I got the opportunity to go out and get glammed up eitehr... any thoughts!

It could be completely innocent but it’s totally not on for him to behave that way even if it is. If I were in your shoes I’d be so angry not to mention suspicious. Why lie if there’s nothing dodgy going on? On he other hand have you acted jealous in the past? Could he be deliberately hiding the truth for any easy life and to avoid the hassle of an argument?

I feel for you op because it would make me feel uneasy as hell too! I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from confronting him. What is your gut? Do you feel like this is something you could talk to him about? You’d obviously have to admit you checked his phone.

It sounds like she likes him and had fooled him into thinking it was going to be a group outing. Your dh knows it's not right and that's why he lied. I'd speak to him about it and ask him why he lied and what he was doing until 5am.

Well here is the thing - I am not jealous at all and when I have had mad dreams where my head running away - I would tell him! He gets holidays away every year with his friends (even went away 3 weeks before our twins were due!)... I am considered by everybody (Including his friends ), as being very laid back because he has so much freedom, so have never had a cross word about him being out and about...

My gut thinks its innocent, but I suppose he has now been away for 2 years and part of me thinks he is perhaps taking my laid backness and this additional freedom of living away by himself for granted and I do feel disrepected for him not telling me that he went out with this girl alone...I mean why lie unless he also felt uneasy about it that he thought it was bit odd... Prior to twins I had a very high powered career as MD for companies and would travel internationally, spending 2 weeks away at a time ) and yes, I would have dinner with Guys alone through work, but would always tell him who I was with, where we went etc... Not sure whether to press him about the photo as this had obviously synched with his phone and kids were going through the photos on his IPAD.... incodentally, the girl had sent the photo to him... saying they had made facebook'xxxxx' Not sure I would have sent a work colleague that type of pic!

Hmm I'd be suspicious I'm afraid, my husband also started with the little lie here and there and turned out to be living a completely double life! Just like you I was laid back about it all and never suspected anything until one day I got sent a phot of him minus his wedding ring.. alarm bells started going off and I became a detective overnight. Nothing could have prepared me for what I uncovered.

My advice would be to do nothing just yet, keep an eye out for any further suspicious nights out or 'unavailability' to talk to you/the kids ect.. I hope to god I'm wrong and he's a good man being led astray.

And does he offer you holidays with your friends once a year? It’s great for him that he feels like he as “freedom” but not so great for your relationship if that doesn’t work both ways. How do you think he would react if he found out you’d been on a 10 hour bender with some bloke and failed to mention it?

I think confronting him might be the way to go because he’s guilty of lying if nothing else.

Totally can see it through everybody elses lenses... eeek! I think I may just sit back and see If any other benders.. He admitted that another girl came over to his House the other night to share her woes about a relationship breakup with her fiance... I also know he went out to cinema with her for night , but never mentioned it to me - he told me that he was going by himself.... I know it sounds totally dodgy.... I am aware that on paper would seem like a very good catch... I even had a pal ask me if I could babysit her kids and when I said yeah.. she then said do you mind if I go out with your Husband for the night drinking....friends had mentioned before that they thought her behaviour was odd and pointed out that they were aware that she would always ask my hubby (rather than asking her husband to go ) to walk her round to her House to pick more cocktails etc (every time when we were hosting a party...)... She would always ask when hubbie would Be home and then be really miffed when hadn't mentioned to her that he was coming home. I actually confronted him on this and play backed the incidents and he was mortified at the thought as he saw it very innocently...but he saw it through my lense when I played It back... we have both stepped back from that firendship somewhat as I was also aware she had told her hubby she would look outside the marriage if her Husband didnt get his act together....so maybe this is why he is cautious telling me about these seemingly innocent nights out with women that are in process of seperating .... clearly he would definately have something to say if I went out on a 10 hr bender whilst he was at home with kids... Although I don't drink, so he probably thinks I wouldn't be so daft to get myself into a compromising situtation!

I'll be brutally honest here because what your saying sounds just like me a year ago.. your being very naive! Now he's been to the moves with her 🤔 you need to do a little more digging I'm afraid. Think of it like a jigsaw.. and start putting those bits together I was honestly shocked I'd missed so many red flags. If he's a good guy I sincerely apologise but sadly my rose coloured specs broke and set my eyes well and truly on fire. Men who work away tend to have plenty of opportunity to do as they please and forget about the wedding band, wife and kids!

I even had a pal ask me if I could babysit her kids and when I said yeah.. she then said do you mind if I go out with your Husband for the night drinking. WTAF! Her CF*ckery is only matched by your naivety.

If you are so laid back and accommodating, why is he lying? Easy, for the same reason why everyone lies, to protect themselves from being challenged on their behaviour.

There’s laid back woman and then there’s comatose.

AgentJohnson - I had a bit of a giggle when I read your response. To be honest, I don't think I am niave.. I grew up in a household with infidelity (mother married 3 times)...I trust him, but equally aware that anybody.. no matter their internal moral compass, given the right (or wrong) environment will cheat... probably why I wanted a bit of sense check and wrote this post (on my 14th wedding anniversary..)... I havent mentioned anything yet but will be on alert. I looked at his phone and can't see anything else to reveal anything untoward... except these 2 ladies actively seeking out His company and both going through divorce and speration.....so perhaps more suspicious about their intent...