What sort of counsellor should I be looking for?

[whichcounselling]

I've been married for 27 years. Seriously thinking of splitting but it's a massive decision and I want to talk it through with someone.

Problem is most of the really bad stuff happened a very long time ago but I can't let it go (even though we v rarely talk about it). Just had a sleepless night trying to work out the pros and cons.

Background:
1st 10 years intermittent DV, some really bad.
1st 20 years also intermittent verbal abuse, some in public. Financially controlling.
No parenting as such; we had a child who died aged 6 (genetic issue), and another who is now 24. H never did anything for them in terms of day to day childcare as he was married to his career (v high flying, constant travel).

I walked out 17 years ago, he begged me to come back and hasn't laid a finger on me since but still, if he gets angry I go into panic mode and can't talk to him, I kind of freeze.

A couple of years ago we had a heart to heart and he did apologise profusely, and I do believe he deeply regrets his behavour in terms of the DV.

He doesn't accept that he did anything wrong in terms of not parenting the kids. He now has a fairly decent relationship with surviving DS who lives elsewhere.

Day to day now, things are generally OK, we do nice things together, have lavish holidays, a beautiful country home, nice friends, on the surface we have it all.

But I find that every time we have a minor row, I like him less and less. Eg a couple of weeks ago he complained that I'm getting bitchy and negative and he is absolutely right, I am, and it's because I'm not happy. I'm now making an active effort to only be positive so far as possible. That's just an example, he q frequently has a go at me about some character flaw or other.

I know that he really loves me, and would be absolutely devastated if we split up.

So the pros are, I could be more myself rather than trying to constantly change to suit him, I have lots of good friends and hobbies and could see myself having a decent life, albeit I would be lonely sometimes I know.

Cons are, financially we'd have to sell the house which he in particular is very emotionally attached to (he's retired and spends his whole life on the land/gardens), inevitably there'd be some fallout socially as most of our friends are mutual, and I can't help getting anxious about silly things like what we'd do about Christmas with adult DS (who I know would be supportive to both of us).

Anyway I didn't actually intend to spill my heart out, I was actually just going to ask what sort of counsellor I should try to find to talk all this through with! Any ideas?

I would be talking to both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations. You have become inurred to his abuses of you and have been thoroughly conditioned by him over the years into staying. You have likely stayed for many reasons amongst which are your surviving child, fear of him, fear of being alone, financial pressures. All these and more besides stops people from leaving their abusers.

He does not love you and does not know what love is. He only loves his own self and creature comforts. I think you have far more to gain if you were to separate from him once and for all. You would like to think that he deeply regrets his behaviour but his words and actions show otherwise. He has also never accepted any responsibility for his actions and still blames you for being so called negative and bitchy. He continues to project his own self onto you.

In your case the pros well outweigh any cons here. So what if the house has to be sold?. You have been abused throughout your marriage and you can and should now say no more. The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship after all is none. He broke that the first time he abused you. Draw a proper line in the sand now and rebuild your life without him in it.

Thanks for your response Atilla, i’m Going to carefully consider everything you have said.

Does anyone have any idea what type of person I should look for in terms of counselling?

I would say you had a fear of the future and whilst no one can predict the future it is a wrench to leave what you know to go into what you don't know.

Perhaps a counsellor that can help you build self esteem and confidence. You will find one in your area if you google or look on the BACP web site.

Thanks noego i’ll do that

Try a few and see who you build a rapport with. It's about the relationship and you need to feel comfortable.

Given your ages, would an equity release arrangement work allowing him to keep the property? Might make it easier, obv not financial advice, just an idea.

Yes that’s a good idea. There’s about £1.7m in the house and £1m in investments do he wouldn’t need to take a massive loan. I just want a little cottage and a bit of cash to invest, I don’t want to be greedy

Spoke to an equity release co today, because we’re still mid 50s they’ll only loan £275k. I’m still seriously looking into leaving after Christmas though. Have found a relationship counsellor locally who does individual counselling so will try her first.
Thanks for all your help

No probs.

I've always found counselling very helpful, once talking to the right person.

I had my first session with a psychodynamic counsellor today. It was an assessment session and she was saying that it's likely this isn't going to be a quick fix.

Interestingly she seemed to focus on why I married/stayed married to a violent man (my first husband was also violent), when my childhood was reasonably happy, my parents were good to each other etc.

My main takeaway from the session was that, whether I leave my husband or not (and he hasn't been violent for over 17 years), what he did to me remains with me, so leaving him isn't necessarily going to make me happy.

She also noted that I'm extremely hard on myself, in that I went back to work immediately after my DS1's funeral, and have always just forced myself to get on with things when a lot of people would have given themselves time to grieve....

Does anyone have any experience of psychodynamic therapy? I actually feel a bit worse than I did this morning!

It does sound like you probably haven't given yourself time to fully process your life experiences which would explain how you're feeling now.

Best of luck with the therapy. I don't think people who get in to abusive relationships always have a history of abuse but I'd imagine there's always a self esteem issue for those who stay.

My heart went out to you when I read about the DV you endured for so long. I hope you can find happiness in whatever form that will take. You deserve it.

I've had a fair bit of counselling in my time, for you, I'd recommend contacting Relate as they are experts in this.

If not, then find a counsellor that are affiliated with a respectable institution i.e. The Priory - my counsellor at the moment worked for The Priory - which is where I met her and she is awesome!

I’ve had psychodynamic counselling. My own view is this is the best kind for this situation.

It can make you feel bad because the ‘problem’ and the way forward both lie with you. It’s work. And not easy. But so rewarding. If you have a good rapport with this counsellor (who is on the right track) let them guide you through it. You may find yourself feeling a better sense of yourself sooner than you expect. Good luck on the journey.

Thank you all for your input. I hope that it's worth the "work", ie that I can wake up without feeling angry every morning.

A counsellor that specialises in EFT would be good. Emotionally Focussed Therapy.

Try an organisation called Marriage Care

Www.marriage care.org.uk

Hello this is my first time posting on Mumsnet but I have to say your story chimes with mine apart from the DV. I have been married for 24 years and have decided after years of emotional abuse (didn't know at the time that's what it was) that I need to leave. Like you we live in a big house, have nice holidays and many outsiders would be stunned that there was anything wrong with our relationship. My father died recently and that's given me time to think about the future. I am 52 which feels quite 'old' to be starting again but encouraged by my family who have observed my unhappiness over many years I have told my husband I'd like to separate. He really doesn't want this and the last conversation I had with him I felt really uncomfortable as it was quite threatening and he was using emotional tactics to make me feel bad (ie I earned all the money to buy this house)> I am currently seeing a family therapist for counselling but don't want to have couples counselling (we have tried this in the past) as really feeling so negative about the relationship. We have three children, and my happiness when I think about it comes from them and not from being with my husband....

And the answer to that is you had both kids, decent family life & your job, enabled by me.

Agree with the comment that it is all about the rapport, and to find one you feel comfortable with.

I'd come out of my first sessions feeling like I'd just run a marathon - would have a lie down for a bit afterwards. It was when I came out feeling fine that I realised I didn't really need it any more.

I'm in a similar situation and have done EFT. It's helped me understand my role in the dynamic but I'm struggling to forgive. He's finally accepting responsibility but it feels like it's too late. EFT is quite draining. My counceller feels we're both responsible because I wasn't assertive enough to stop him. She says one person has to change before the other one. Tbh, I'm a bit uneasy and confused. Maybe I need a different therapist.

Op, do you think you could love him again? That's the hard bit to know.

Itsnotok has your partner been physically abusive to you and you went to therapy together? If so then this is not the way forward. It is totally his responsibility for assaulting you. Joint therapy is not recommended when there has been violence.
I’d did joint therapy (big mistake) therapist sided with husband.
To the OP - maybe you’ve gone off him - partnerships take work.
Lots of relationships end.
Maybe your anger is seeping out to him. It’s hard to forgive these abuses. Do you actually like him? You’ve put up with a lot in the past. Hope you find peace.

Mary, not physically though once sexually (forcefull groping that he wouldn't stop despite my protests). He also has anger issues and has lost control many times and it's been scary. I also feel my therapist sided with him when we had a couple of joint sessions. I think that's what made me question myself. But was it my job to concince him to change/stop the aggression?! Are you still with your husband? It's weird, if someone at a party/social occassion treated me like my h has, it wouldn't consider going out with them but I'm questioning if i should leave my h or stay.
Op, therapy is helping me let go of the anger and resentment but it's not helping me to decide what to do.

I think the relationship with the therapist is far more important than the name of what they offer