New boyfriend .... when should I tell him about my Ex

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Have met a lovely new man. We're both divorced.

Just a few dates so far, so still very early days.

When do I need to tell him about all the fairly awful Domestic Abuse marriage stuff. The physical abuse was only ever against the children, he never hit me. But the emotional/psychological abuse was horrific. I'm still not 100% over it, and it is such a key thing of my past to know about, yet very difficult to try to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it.

What have others done in the same situation?

And the three year Court battle, trying desperately to keep contact with the children safe and limited, but not having enough 'evidence'.

You lost me at 'the physical abuse was only against the children '. Tell him what you like.

A) not too soon in case he sees it as a green light to treat you badly himself, until you’ve built up some trust that he’s a good bloke you’ve no idea how he reacts in bad situations.
B) when I comes up naturally in a conversation about previous relations, don’t force the issue (& also refer to A)

I agree with pinky, it’s odd that you wrote it in that way op.

Why do you need to tell him all?

You’ve only been on a few dates. This is not someone you should be trusting with such personal information. Not yet. Put it from your mind.

And you actually don’t need to tell him at all. Ever. It’s not his business. You don’t have to tell everyone your “story”.

Odd wording on the physical abuse point OP

Don't you think you should heal first before starting dating again? Not trying to be horrible love, just curious.

the physical abuse was only against the children

I really hope that hasn’t come across how you meant it to.

Th abuse was only at the children, WTF is that right?

Surely the OP meant “solely against the children”

That’s how I read it soup

'the physical abuse was only against the children  '

Bloody hell

Hope that was one isolated incident and you were out of there.

Don't tell him anything. If it gets serious and you want to tell him your dc were previously physically abused then tell him. Personally I'd say nothing

When you have the talk about becoming official and not before

Actually for those being pedantic about the phrasing and the meaning, the op actually said
"The physical abuse was only EVER agianst the children"

Having the word 'ever' there surely denotes that the op is describing the fact that her ex was pysically abusive towards the children, but not her. In no way does it imply that his abuse was inconsequential to the OP.

Another big clue was her telling us that she had a horrendous three year court battle to try to ensure her childrens' safety....

Everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t consider telling someone about this until I could completely trust them (so a lot later than a few dates). But even then, I would only do so if I felt I needed to get it off my chest, rather than they have a right to know.

Soup Dragon, thank you .... yes that is what I meant and I wish I could change the OP wording.

He would become very angry at all of us. He then started being physical with the children - hitting mainly, and mainly just DS. I did everything I could to try to get this to stop, and when I couldn't, I got advice from Women's Aid and my parents, and the children and I left.

Social Services were involved briefly (I did a self-referral before we left), but closed it after getting Ex to sign a Written Agreement saying it wouldn't happen going forwards.

My wording in the OP is rubbish, apologies.

Your circumstances will come to light naturally. You don't have to do anything. The fact is, if you have been traumatised it will show at various stages. You'll have triggers you can't disguise.

I'd say nothing, it's early days and you don't have to. In fact it might be better to say nothing and judge the situation in the raw until you are truly confident in him. This may take a long time, it's important.

If he's right for you and your children it won't make a difference.

I was told It takes a full five years to start to recover and live without fear. It was fairly accurate.

You are not deceiving him by not telling him, it's early days and it's very personal information.

You don't need to tell your new partner anything. I certainly wouldn't be offloading private information regarding the abuse of your kids as that's their pain to deal with and share or not.
Your new partner may not want to know the details of your ex either.
There is certainly no rush to let this (stranger basically) know any info on your past beyond " divorced with kids"

I wouldn't say anything until you're well established in a relationship and have a very good level of trust between you.

I wouldn’t tell him anything. I’m not sure I’d never tell him anything, but I’d only ever disclose what was contextually relevant. I wouldn’t feel the need to have a big discussion about my past relationships. If the ex was stalking or something then I could see why he might need to know but otherwise I don’t think it’s his business.

Remember OP, he is a lovely man now, a few dates in, im sure your ex was too at that stage. People can get quite nasty when relationships are ending. Would you like him to have information he can use to hurt you, or spread around in the event of you splitting up (which, let’s face it, is likely)

I really don't think it's the new mans business at all, not for a very long time.