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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Daughter and my partner, I’m constantly on eggshells.

21 replies

Breadnroses · 10/09/2018 00:35

So, my daughter is 13, she is confident, clever, kind, and full of attitude which is generally directed at me.
Partner and I have been together 2 .5 years, we moved in together a year ago. DD goes between her dads and here, we have shared care.

DP and DD generally get on really well. He feeds her geeky side, helps with her homework, all of that.
He tolerates her attitude towards me, but there are times when he does tell her off. Last time we were on a day out, and she was shouting and swearing in the car, he responded, shouted, upset her.

So she wouldn’t come to the house for about 3 weeks, which was an awful time for me.
She has been staying one-two nights per week for the last couple of weeks.

This morning the attitude was back, he asked her not to speak to me like that, it escalated and we are back to square one, she is again saying she won’t come to the house anymore.

I have asked DP to not respond to her, to leave her to me to deal with, but he reaches a point when he can’t help but react.

I have considered leaving, but is this then DD winning? I have always done all I can to protect her feelings, so any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:

Musti · 10/09/2018 01:08

13 year olds are going through a lot. Their empathetic bits if their brains are temporarily shut off whilst they go through puberty and they become vile and selfish and usually direct all their worries and angst which manifests itself in anger and attitude at the person or people they can trust will always love them.

Just be patient and try to pick your battles and soothe the situation. My eldest going through 13-15 Is the toughest bit if parenting I've ever experienced. I cried, shouted, questioned every second of my parenting etc but he's now back to being my lovely boy again.

Bunbunbunny · 10/09/2018 01:12

Was she swearing & shouting at you?

It isn’t a competition so there is no winning, but what do you do to stop your dd attitude towards you? She’s 13 she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with swearing at you without a consequence.

Does your dp have a short fuse or is your dd really pushing the limits? Did you dd stay away because she was scared or because she was angry at being told off?

It’s going to be hard for your dp if your dd is being disrespectful in your home towards you. Maybe agree a plan with your dp that he leaves the room or you ask your dd to leave the room if she gphascan attitude towards you. You haven’t really given enough detail to picture the situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2018 02:34

I never swore or shouted at my mum, nor did any of my friends with theirs! It's absolutely not acceptable, and being 13 and 'going through a lot' isn't an excuse. I might have been sullen or pouty at times but that's a bit different.

That being said, it is your responsibility to impress on your DD that she isn't to treat you that way, not your partners. But if you're just sitting there and 'taking it' I can understand him speaking up.

goldhen · 10/09/2018 02:42

As someone whose step father created a huge rift between my mother and I by doing this I’d say make sure you take a stand and remind him that she is your child, your responsibility. Not his. I understand he may seeing it as ‘sticking up’ for you but she’s your daughter not some drunk woman in a bar starting an argument with you. You do not need sticking up for. You need to enforce the correct disciplines for swearing and being rude. I’ll never forget my step father trying to order me about a couple months after he moved in to my house. I was 16 so just laughed in his face and kindly reminded him that I wasn’t his child. If your relationship is going to last then make sure that your DD’s relationship with him isn’t tainted. It can make things quite difficult and she’s at the start of a rough few years of puberty which won’t be any better

Movablefeast · 10/09/2018 03:19

I agree, I have three kids my eldest two are girls 17 and 15. When my eldest was about 12 she went through a very moody stage where I could nothing right but she didn’t scream and yell at me and was not seriously disrespectful. That passed and she has been great ever since. My 15 yr old has a temper and just last Friday asked me if she could sleepover at a family we did not know when she was supposed to be leaving an event to come home with her sister at 10pm. Her dad and I said no, it was too late to ask and we didn’t know where she was going. She definitely had a tantrum and was not happy about it but just came home as expected. She didn’t talk to me for most of Saturday as she was so angry and annoyed but just stayed out of my way. She knows not to cross the line and actually talk back. I respect her and I feel I am always reasonable. She had calmed down and was fine today.

You cannot let a situation develop where your partner is the one who has to discipline your dd because you are letting her be disrespectful, step up. I am sure he just cannot take her behaviour anymore and I don’t blame him, you are setting a bad precedent if she calls the shots.

flumpybear · 10/09/2018 03:29

She's manipulating you. That behaviourvis unacceptable and she's being pulled up on it, in return she's withdrawing her affection to you and staying with your ex - perhaps your ex should help out by saying no you'll see your mum and apologise for the way you spoke to her

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/09/2018 07:11

If you don't like it when t your partner reprimands your daughter for being nasty to you, you need to do it yourself before it gets to the stage where he feels that he needs to step in.

But you will also need to be ready for her to stop coming because you told her off because you will no longer be able to use your partner as an excuse.

safetyfreak · 10/09/2018 07:32

She should not be shouting and swearing at you, HOWEVER neither should your partner be shouting back at your daughter. What is that teaching her? why should she stop shouting when an grown adult man is allowed to shout at her.

Your partner needs to stop interfering with how you discipline your child.

I would be very concerned if my boyfriend shouted at my daughter, he is not her father and it is crossing an line. If he cannot control his temper, then that is a huge problem.

Teenagers are a total mess of hormones so there will be other tantrums coming your way I bet, you can really damage your relationship long term with your daughter if you do not sort this out now.

Thatsfuckingshit · 10/09/2018 07:44

Well it's not easy to judge this.

Honestly if my best friends daughter was shouting and swearing at her, I would step in if my friend didn't. Because it's not ok to shout and swear at anyone. I would step in if I saw this at work, the gym etc. But 13 doesn't excuse shouting and swearing at anyone. Does she do this at school to teachers and friends? I am going to guess that she doesn't.

Also, it would hurt my head to listen to someone scream and shout, so eventually would tell her to shut up for my own sanity.

Your Dp could be a dick who is driving a wedge between you and your daughter. But it sounds like you dd acts how she wants with a threat of 'I am going to live at dad's, if you don't let me act how I want'. Letting her get away with that will only cause problems in the future.

ShatnersWig · 10/09/2018 08:32

What Boney said. With bells on.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 08:44

13 year olds don't all swear at their parents. I never did and my children didn't.

It sounds like you're too soft on her. Her behaviour is unacceptable, but something has made her think it's okay to speak to you this way.

Does she swear at her dad? Or teachers at school?

This isn't a case of the wicked stepfather...your DD is wrong and he's intervening because you havevn't got a handle on it.

What consequences does she get for speaking to you like this?

MysteriousQuinn · 10/09/2018 08:44

She shouldn't be shouting and swearing at you, that is not acceptable.
As a pp has also said, if my nieces, nephews, friends children etc were shouting and swearing at their mum I'd say something to them. It's very unpleasant to have to sit and watch a person that you care about being spoken to like that, even if it is by a child that you care about.
Must be so frustrating for your DP.

Original poster

Breadnroses · 10/09/2018 08:54

I do reprimand her for talking to me disrespectfully, either by reminding her not to talk to me like that, or ignoring her, turning the internet off, grounding her.

Bunbunbunny she stayed away because she didn’t like being told off by him. She had been really demanding, obnoxious, because she thought that I would give in and let her have takeaway tea after she had behaved badly

Goldhen no I agree, I don’t need sticking up for. I have said this repeatedly to dp. I don’t need protecting, but he can’t seem to take that on board.

I have asked my ex not to come running every time she texts him to come get her, and she can’t just manipulate the situation. But he says that she shouldn’t have to stay in that situation.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 10/09/2018 09:30

but he reaches a point when he can’t help but react.

He is the adult and needs to either learn to control him self or leave so you can have time with your daughter. If be could get a grip and leave her to you, he could be very useful but no, he is making it all about himself. Sigh.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 10:06

Do does your Ex think her behaviour is acceptable? Does she speak to him like that?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2018 10:27

This child is not being disciplined properly by anyone. You allow her to behave horribly, your partner eventually loses it because you aren't handling her, (can't say I don't understand his frustration of living in a war zone), and her dad just whisks her away which only fuels her self-entitled, abusive attitude.

It's time you start parenting this child because it's clear she's the one ruling the roost.

SparklyMagpie · 10/09/2018 10:36

Completely agree with @Aquamarine1029

Original poster

Breadnroses · 10/09/2018 10:53

I do reprimand her for talking to me disrespectfully, either by reminding her not to talk to me like that, or ignoring her, turning the internet off, grounding her.

I’m not averse to disciplining my child. What else can I do? I have spoken with her about the way she talks to me, told her it disappoints me that she thinks it is acceptable to talk to me like that. She isn’t stupid, she knows damn well that she shouldn’t talk the way she does.

So no, I don’t allow her to behave horribly. If anyone has a more effective method of dealing with a teen then please tell me 🤷‍♀️
Also, 90% of the time she is a lovely girl, this isn’t a constant.

SandyY2K no my ex doesn’t think her behaviour is acceptable, he talks to her as well.

OP posts:

AlwaysSleepy1 · 10/09/2018 11:06

Does she speak to your ex the same way she speaks to you?

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 11:11

Well by coming to pick her up...it can look like he's condoning her behaviour.

I guess he doesn't want another man disciplining his daughter......which I understand. I'd want my ex to do it and not the stepmother.

Your OH realky needs to stay out of it. The quicker you get on it...he won't step in.

Maybe you could do with some one to one time with her. Take her out of the house and talk to her. Tell her you understand she won't always agree with you...but she needs to respect you as her mum and swearing is disrespectful.

One of my DDs had a phase of being a pain in the neck. Not swearing at me..but what I considered naughty behaviour. She was younger than 13.

I told her I loved her very much and always would..but I didn't like her behaviour and I told her I knew she didnt misbehave in school. I asked why she felt her teachers deserved respect and I didn't.

I pointed out that her behaviour was a choice ...She was choosing to be this way. I honestly thought she had a problem and took her to the GP..because it was getting to me.

I told her this behaviour would lead to her missing out on treats that her sister got.

One day she behaved terribly and she was due to see Little Mix at a show. I said she couldn't go. It was hard to say that...as I don't like my DC missing out on fun times...and she was going with her sister and cousins...but I had to stick to it and she had to face the consequences.

Original poster

Breadnroses · 10/09/2018 11:29

She gives her dad attitude, but not as much as she gives to me. She doesn’t like being told off, and I’m the disciplinarian of the two of us.

I’ve stopped her going to parties, days out, having sleepovers due to her behaviour.

SandyY2K I have spoken with her teacher when she was in primary school as I thought she may be on the spectrum, as she had several indicators for this. She has grown out of many of them now though.

Of all the people in her life, I am her constant. She was unwell a few years ago and was eventually diagnosed with a neuropathic pain condition, her father and much of his family didn’t believe she was actually ill. I was the one fighting for appropriate treatment for her, sat in a and e at all hours as she was in so much pain.
I understand that she may be angry with me for splitting up the family home, it was my choice to end the marriage. But she is generally a happy child.

OP posts:

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