Crunch Time

[fuzzyduckling]

Sorry, I don't know how to start this.

My husband left tonight to go and stay in a hotel for a few nights so we can both have some space to work out what we want. We had a massive talk and neither of us is particularly happy right now.

He works so much, but is self employed so to be expected I guess. I resent that he's not here much as we have a 2yo DD so I have the lions share of childcare, and I want them to have the best relationship as mine with my dad is pretty crap. He left when I was 12 and we saw each other maybe 3/4 times a year until I had DD. So I want him and our DD to be really close, but how can they have that when they don't see each other much??

The spark seems to have gone. There's no "us" time, it all revolves around DD, which is to be expected, but when she goes to bed we just sit and watch tv if he doesn't go back to work. We don't get many nights out as our families have her while I work so we don't like to impose on weekends too.

I just don't know what to do. It feels so weird being here by myself. Tonight was a rare night when she is staying at DGPs, so we went for a meal and it all came out then. We came home and talked and he put out the idea of having a few days apart to see how we feel.

Is it possible to get the spark back when it seems like it's gone? Sorry for the rambling, I have nobody else to talk to right now!

Didn't want to read and just go without leaving you some support. I hope everything works out for the best for you all. Some people will be along with some great advice soon no doubt.

All I might say is truly use these few days apart to try to get a long view and find out what you think you really want deep down.

A young child puts a lot of stress in a relationship. It's really difficult to find time to enjoy together especially if you're resentful.

Does he need to work all those hours? Can you come up with a plan where he has to take certain time out. Also, can you afford a cleaner or someone to take some of the load off you?

Do you socialise? Do you do anything fun?

Do you both work full time? If so is there a way for you both to slightly reduce your hours to free up more family time? (Easier for him to arrange obvs as he is self employed).

When he isn't working does he actively do stuff with, take care of and generally enjoy being with dd?

Would you both be open to counselling?

Do you both still love each other?

Family life can be so hard, especially with very young kids, and it can be difficult to stay 'connected' as a couple but if you both are deeply in love with each other, things do gradually get easier as kids grow up. However you still go out on date nights which is a good sign, (most couples I know do not have that option) so the lines of communication are open.
Do you think your dh might just use work as a way to avoid family life at the moment? The resentment this causes can be a killer but if he is prepared to step up and be an equal parent your relationship need not be over.

Thanks for the replies. I had a decent nights sleep
So that's something. Typically the boiler isn't working this morning so I had to message and ask him to come and sort it as I couldn't pull the washer out to get to the pressure tap. Of all the days...

He kind of does need to work the extra hours, he needs to be available for customers through the day but then there's all the office admin and generally running a business type stuff to do that he just can't get done through the day, so goes back some nights after DD is in bed. I do think he manages his time badly though and could at least get some of it done in normal hours. It's a lot when he works 5.5 days to start with.

I work 3 days so have her 2.5 days on my own and 1.5 with him too if that makes sense. She's still napping and needs to do that at home (won't sleep in car/buggy) so there's only so much you can do out with her. He doesn't really have any alone time with her so she never wants him, just me. That doesn't help either.

I'm rambling again aren't I. Going to have a quiet morning until she comes back from DGPs, take some time and have a think about things.