Should I be completely honest with my partner?

[ally1986]

Should I be honest with my partner and tell him I resent him because I he doesn’t earn enough money for me to be able to work part time? We have a beautiful 14 month old daughter who is my absolute world and it’s absolutely eating me up that I have to work full time since going back to work in July.

I leave the house at 7:30am every morning and don’t get home until 6:30pm. I can’t even be the one to take her or pick her up from nursery because of my hours. I’m absolutely exhausted - by the time I get home it’s her bedtime so hardly see her. She’s always been a terrible sleeper and I’m up most nights with her - my partner has started helping out at night since I’ve been back at work (he didn’t help the whole time I was on maternity leave as he had to work and that was my ‘job’) but he doesn’t have much patience with her and she normally wants me anyway.

We’ve been having massive rows since July and it’s no coincidence that it’s been since I’ve been back at work. We used to drink quite a lot as a couple but since having my daughter I’ve barely touched a drop as it makes me even more tired. He says that I’m boring and miserable because of it.

I suppose I am miserable and I do pick fights with him. I earn more money than him and it is me that organises our finances each month. We just about have enough money each month to live but don’t often go out. I try and save as much money as I can but yet he has never saved a penny. All the holidays, nice things that we have had in the past have come from me saving and being sensible.

He’s a good dad, I wouldn’t say he was a great dad as he finds her quite challenging, but he loves her very much. He normally does dinner every night which he thinks I should be eternally grateful for but it’s only because he’s home at 4/5pm every day and I don’t get in til 6:30pm.

I’m at my wits end. Trying to juggle full time work, being a good mum, the housework, our relationship, our finances (and I also manage his business as he is self employed) - I have no social life and I just feel like I’m losing my mind and I hate my life. I look at these people that have kids that are out every weekend and just think how?!! When I tell him I’m unhappy he tells me that no man will ever make me happy and that I’m constantly looking for problems. Maybe this is true? All I know is that I don’t think our relationship would survive if I tell him everything that I’ve written in this post.

I knew having a child would be hard but does it ever get any better? Will it get easier once I’m in more of a routine at work? Thank you for listening to my ramble - I try and speak to friends and family but they just tell me it’s a rocky patch and it will get better.

Major question
Could he earn more money realistically, enough to enable you to work part time. In a reasonable time frame?

Did you not realise this when you decided to have a child?

Not being self employed. It’s too risky. He could find a permanent job in his field but has been his own boss for over five years and he doesn’t want to work for anyone else.

We didn’t decide to have a child - she wasn’t planned.

He doesn't sound like a great partner, regardless of earnings.

I was in a similar situation. I basically applied for a slightly higher earning job, cutdown to 3 days a week and then looked into beneifits I was entitled to. Turns out I was financially better off single. Only problem was then, that I would be having every other weekend without baby as would be Dads turn. But actually I was still spending more time with DC. As would have had a whole 2 days a week and every other weekend. Which was 4 days one week and 2 days the week after. Plus more money, some down time.

Ended up confronting DH, had a few home truths (I wasn’t perfect either), and we both made some big changes. 6 years later we are still together and happier than ever. But it was liberating to see I would be better off alone, and for him to weigh up his options too. We are now together because we want to be, not because we are too scared to consider alternatives. I am working 3 days a week and DH 4. Yes we have less money and have had to cut down on things. But it’s definitely been worth it.

What do you do for childcare? If you work full time does your DH work part time so he does the majority of childcare? Does she go to childminder / nursery? Ie if you reduced your hours and paid less in childcare would you benefit at all?

Ploppymoodypants - thank you for your post, sounds a very similar situation.

He was having a day off a week to look after her (and a mix of childcare and grandparents for the rest of the week) but after a few weeks of this he decided looking after her was too much like hard work.

Because grandparents help out I don’t think we could save a great deal on childcare.

Sorry just 're read that you said she goes to nursery. Does she go full time? If so would it not be worth looking to reduce your hours and possibly her nursery. I know you wouldn't be any better off financially but at least you would have an extra day a week with her. It's hard balancing everything. I reduced by hours after DC2 for pretty much the same reasons as you. Yes we have a bit less money but I do short days now. And although we don't have a lot of treats my time with DC whilst they are still young is more important to me.

Going fulltime is tough BUT you will appreciate it later in life as you have retained financial independence.Rather than resent it try to think you are protecting your future.Many women regret going part time. Is there any flexibility in your job for work from home? I had an Ex who was a high earner so I could work pt but it left me vulnerable when we separated.

If you have a non sleeper that is a big issue but it will get better and will definately sap energy and lower your mood.Guess you have tried strategies? I had a non sleeper so know the pain.

You may need to lower your standards, forget housework if you can't cope...your partner will need to step up. Just try to focus on your dd as that is your priority.

Sounds really rough OP. I think you need to have an honest conversation yes. Resentment will only grow otherwise.

Lots of good advice above.

So you want him to potentially work more and have less at home time so you can work less and have more home time?

lifebegins50 - I do actually work from home one day a week but it’s in my contract that DD can’t be with me (for obvious reasons) so she goes to her grandparents. So I get an extra hour with her in the morning and in the evening. I spend most of this day trying to catch up with housework in between work, but my standards are already pretty low

I do think the lack of sleep doesn’t help - I have tried a lot of different things and she has got better but she will have the odd night (ie last night) where she completely floors me. I’ve spent the whole of today feeling like an awful mother because we haven’t really done much together on my day off.

If being self-employed isn't making him much money and you end up managing his business (what does this entail? how much work do you do for it?)- I think you have a point.

I do all his computer work - invoicing, record his receipts, manage the business bank account and do his yearly tax return. It’s not a massive amount of work as it’s a small business but it’s something else I have to think/worry about.

The mortgage/house is also solely in my name as his credit report is atrocious because of a defaulted bank account that he hasn’t bothered to sort out. His business has [on paper] only made £10k or so every year - it will be more like £17k this year because I’ve made him declare more as his books were just a joke.

So,

• You are the main carer
• You are the main earner
• You take care of his business admin
• You do most of the housework

What does he actually do?

No wonder he says you are miserable. You probably are because you're so knackered! I'm bloody grumpy when I don't get enough sleep. No suggestions but you have my sympathy ally

Start alternating who gets up during the night so you at least get a full nights sleep, I know your dd may want you but dh will just have to cope because he is a fucking parent too!
Stop managing his small business for him, he can learn to manage his time better to easily do this himself like a grown-up! This frees up your time to spend with dd. But if his self-employment earnings are so low then he can always get a job with an employer, keep his small business ticking over but scale it back to fit around other commitments (this is what I had to do to keep my family afloat and a realistic option). If his business suddenly takes off in the future thats great but in the meantime it sounds like he has a pretty cushy set up cos you are running around enabling it all!!
However, implementing these small changes will probably be met with resistance from your dh as it simply means he will have to shoulder more of the gruntwork, wonder how long before he gets boring and miserable???

Whether you tell him or not, it’s not reasonable to resent him for not earning enough money for you to work part time. We can’t pick and choose on equality.

However, it’s more than reasonable for him to do his fair share around the house and to support your family and it definitely doesn’t sound like that is happening. No wonder you are fed up and exhausted.

My advice would be to focus on that part as that’s the thing that can change in the short term to help you.

On the night shifts with the baby, you need to power through. Ear plugs for his nights on duty for a couple of weeks with strict instructions not to be disturbed unless it’s an emergency. He isn’t making it work because he has a back stop i.e. you. Being tough now will help you all in the longer term.

Best of luck. This phase won’t last forever, especially if you can make some changes.

I don't think this is about his earnings as much as his ability to be a good partner.

Long term you will be grateful for your independence/pension contributions, tryat me!.
It doesn't seem like he is a grown up. How did he manage before meeting you, did he survive on 17k?

Have a honest discussion but I would not focus on his earnings as I think even if he earned more you would still be doing more.

I suspect you have a manchild and he may never take on more responsibility.