Family Dynamics

[roonieboo]

6 years ago, I moved into my sister's home to help out. DS has a child with special needs, and soon after she gave birth to a DD. It was mutually beneficial. I was not safe in our family home. She helped me to grow and learn that I should not limit myself.

Coming from a place of no structure, it was difficult to find a good start, but surely it happened. I have tried my best to help my sister and I do, to a T. (Constantly taking care of children, clear up, get her food, get her clothes, take her kids to school, bring them home, bathe them, on the weekends I make sure they're not bored, and am practically a PA to both her and her husband)

Sister has a lot of problems, like myself, but I keep mine to a minimum. I do not find time for myself most days, and am okay. She shames me when she wants to, and when she feels up for it (every month at the least), she tells me I am limited and immature and incompetent. That she's supportive of me and I am not of her at all. I have lent her over £50k which she has not returned. She continues to spend recklessly and the last time I asked for money she declined. I wanted money for toiletries (shampoo, body wash, etc) she went out and got an instant nose job. She is constantly on her phone, saying that we give her no support. That a whatsapp chat for ABA mums gives her everything we could not. Her whatsapp chats are not deep at all. She tells me I'm jealous of it.

This past week has been especially difficult, both children started school again, it was her son's birthday. I have had both kids 90% of the evenings. Which has been extremely difficult. Have not had enough sleep for 10 weeks. (less than 4 hours a night)

I complained once when she called me to do more housework. She says for that I am not supportive, immature and cannot grow. I have given her 6 years of my life, where I have foregone any real relationships, whereas she says that I am incapable of making them. Lonely, broke and little support. I want to know if I'm blowing things out of proportion. She can be kind, but only when it suits her. I find a lot of my happiness with her children, but when I'm around her, I can only be happy if she's happy.

I think you know the answer OP. Move out and start your own independent life. Be thankful for what this period of time gave you and your sister mutually but it’s time to move on.

Move out

Move out.

Move out, you're ready now, believe in yourself

I'd like to, but have no money. Most of the time I am able to be okay. I can get by with being happy, or keeping my head down. There is a sense of sticking to family and trying to make things right.

I would like to make things right. I tried earlier today, and my sister told me I am making everything to be about myself, when everything is about her and her home. She scolded me and shamed me. I do believe everything should be about making everything perfect for her children. It makes me feel horrible, but the need to be close to her children is strong. They are my only friends. My sister can be a friend at times, but only on her terms. Usually I'm okay with that, because I can avoid her tantrums by doing what she needs.

She is too reckless with money to pay me back, and I am out of work at the moment to help out with her children. It will take a considerable amount of time to find a new place and job. No friends here in the UK

It's not even about the money. I feel like its more about the sense of family and needing to be supportive towards one another. I should have just started there.

you're being abused and taken for a mug.....stop being so passive and contact CAB to work out your rights and how you can help yourself.

Your idea of supportive to family is way over the top. You need a life of your own. You can still support your dsis eg babysit one night a week but ultimately she is responsible for her own life. Say nothing to her but begin to put a plan in place for yourself. You don't want to look back in a few years wondering where your life went.
Don't make this about falling out with your dsis but a new phase of your life.
I have a few sisters. We love each other dearly and are always there for each other and amazingly supportive but no way would we live together at this stage.
Make a plan . It doesnt have to be this week but soon.
Your sister won't change but you can.

You can’t change your sister. So your choices are either stay and tolerate and accept this is how things will be, or start figuring out how to move. Why don’t you have any money? You could get a furnished house share to start off with, but I’m concerned as to why you don’t have any money to your own name?

She’s using you as a slave and abusing you. Please get out.

How old are you ?