CAN'T TURN MY PARTNER ON!!?

[BinkyR92]

Hey... has anyone been through this ?... let me try explain a little.. my boyfriend has autism.. he is high functioning.. you wouldn't even realise he has autism till he tells you. He isnt really affectionate.

We do long distance relationship . So we see each other once a month for maybe 2/3 weeks.. then he goes again for 2 weeks... so we have always been sexually active everytime we see each other...

But this time is different.... he doesnt seem to want it so much.. weve spent the last 3 weeks together and he goes home tuesday ... weve had sex like 4 times... im so annoyed.. but if i say anything it causes an arguement... everytime i try to come onto him he says not now..

I feel so unattractive.. i have body dysmorphia .. so im already really low in confidence and this is making me worse.

💙

Sorry to hear that. Have you had a frank discussion with him about this? Could he be a different sexuality than you think?(I don't know if you're a man or a woman).

How long have you been together - it does drop the longer you are together and 4 times in 3 weeks for a long term relationship is about right

Sounds like his autism and your body dysmorphia are clashing.

Talk. Communicate - probably very literally and expect literal from him. Xx

How long have you been together?
Is there a plan to live together at some point?

We are together 6 months... i feel so down we just argue alot lately.. maybe thats why.. i am a female by the way.

Im just doubting if i even want this anymore.. its clear to me that i am head over heals for him and its not the same for him. I dont want to be the 1 that does and will do anything for him and it doesnt feel he would do the same for me.

Anytime i try to talk to him about how i feel he starts an arguement and gets SOOO defensive... i cant even say booo.

He doesn't owe you sex. And using your dysmorphia is emotional blackmail. Hope you've not said this to him.

Maybe you're going through a dry patch. Many couples experience this. You can either work through it or call it a day. No point being with someone who isn't sexually compatible with you.

Ive never told him i have body dysmorphia.... so dont coke attacking me that i use emotional blackmail. I simply came to see is this normal.. or if anyone else has been through it.

Im always careful with my words to him. As he is easily heated.

For some people once a week is normal. Four times in three weeks is fine. Your expectations are maybe unrealistic here. It could be you're presenting a very unattractive neediness that he simply finds a turn off.
Autism and body dysmorphia aside, I get the impression that you equate sex with self validation, acceptance and commitment.
It doesn't work like that. Sex is part of not the sum total of a healthy relationship.
If he suspects that you're trying to mould him into someone he's not or that you're dissatisfied and want to change him....he'll not want to spend so much time with you. You are making the classic mistake of seeing a glass that's half empty when in reality, its more than half full. Give your head a wobble and enjoy the times you are together without overthinking everything!

I have autism. Sex is actually very hard for me due to all my sensory issues and therefore the circumstances have to be exactly right (no bright lights, quiet etc) for me to manage it. It’s nothing to do with how attractive I think my partner is; if I’m experiencing sensory overload, there is no way I can manage sex, which is a very sensory experience.

And by saying he’s so high functioning you can barely tell, this would suggest to me he is “masking” his condition which is actually very tiring and hard work. A frank conversation about how both your conditions affect the situation sounds like what is needed here.

You are actually only together 6 months??

Thanks so much on your input.. its nice to have an outsiders opinion. I try my very best to understand him always as i have a son with autism i know how difficult things can get for the person coping with it.

I was just confused as it was everyday we had sex when we are together and always him to be the one who initiated it. Sometimes i was like woww.. we need a day to relax lol .. and then this month was complete opposite end of the stick..

Hense the panic or confusion going on in my mind ..

I dont want to come across needy or to be attacked. Just wanted to reassurance or advice.

I get that you are frustrated. But if he doesn't want to be as sexual with you as usual, then it might be better to let him have the time without it. Pressuring him into sex isn't great. You also need to be honest with him about your body dysmorphia, he can't help you with that unless you tell him.

I would never pressure him.. i simply just asked was everything ok with him.. he said "yeah why" i said " oh well just we arent really having as much sex as before i was hoping nothing has changed" .. his reply was maybe its the weather or my mood or something.

So thats all that was said.. but suffering with anxiety myself and im a big girl i couldnt help but think maybe it was me.

Gotta deal with my own issues with mysekf then because im constantly blaming myself and how look on things.. not out spoken but in my head ...

Okay so unless you're both capable of having a conversation about this without one or both of you blowing up (you mentioned he seems to get a bit heated) then you won't be together very long. Body dysmorphia isn't a drop in the ocean, so you have to talk about it. You have to give him the opportunity to listen - and if he refuses to listen on that subject? Walk away.

The autistic man I know is severely autistic and non verbal but he will never want to have a sexual relationship with another person because he just does not understand that people would want to be that close to each other. He does masturbate because obviously he gets enjoyment from that. Could your boyfriend feel like this but until now has tried to do what he feels would be the expectation of someone in a relationship. Again by using the person who I know he would not have the empathy to know that you have any personal hang ups about your own body as it would not be in his psyche to even notice.

You're still having sex about twice a week though. This is about normal in a long term relationship, especially if he's past his early 20s. Just like women, men's libido can often decrease after the earliest passionate stages of a relationship. Perhaps he's stressed from work too of something. But just because he's a man, doesn't mean he's going to be all horny all the time. Men's libido can vary too, for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

How long have you been together - it does drop the longer you are together and 4 times in 3 weeks for a long term relationship is about right

Is that a fact??

Yeah i guess thats something i got to get used to haha :) thanks though. I apprecaite all comments.

nogoe we are together nearly 6 months

Sorry i meant noego*

It's a tough one. My ex has high functioning autism and definitely struggled with sex - often lost an erection and sex was very robotic when it did occur. A therapist told me this is often the case with ASD and that the stats show a high proportion of asexuality and sexless relationships. If you have body dysmorphia then the micro rejections that you get from him are likely to eat away at you. I'd question whether this is the relationship for you. At the very least the two of you need to have some very honest conversations and I'd also suggest you get some counselling from someone who specialises in ASD/NT relationships.

I hate the way autism is blamed for relationship issues. I thought high functioning was out of favour as a term due to autism being a spectrum. Maybe it's not the autism, maybe he doesn't fancy you anymore, maybe he's stressed, maybe the long distance thing isn't working, maybe he's got things on his mind other than sex, maybe he's just not that bothered about sex anymore, 6 months is when things can start to wane. Don't blame his autism. It's ignorant.

A therapist told me this is often the case with ASD and that the stats show a high proportion of asexuality and sexless relationships.

Another factor is how ASD may diminish the emotional rewards that comes from sex, while at the same time making intimate touching from another from another person uncomfortable. Even if they have a decent sex drive, they might still find sex scarcely more rewarding than solo masturbation.

I'd question whether this is the relationship for you.

Well, as I've said the pattern of sexual frequency in the relationship is within the normal range. ASD or not, normal male libido varies over the cause of a relationship. This is something she'll have to get used to.