I’m starting to feel like i’m Married to two people.
The first is a really kind, gentle and loving man who is funny and thoughtful.
The other is moody and will give me the silent treatment for days at a time with no explanation.
If I ask what’s wrong he tells me “he’s fine” when he’s clearly extremely pissed off about something. Weirdly he’s more helpful when in one of these moods and will be much more active in helping with the kids and housework. Generally he’s a bit oblivious to how much there is to do, but seems to go out of his way to be super productive at times when he is really pissed at me. However, he undertakes all chores with what I can only describe as a silent rage at these times. It’s certainly not a situation where he’s being kind it feels like he’s trying to make some point to me. All it does is highlight to me he could actually help more the rest of the time but i’d forgo the help to not have to deal with the terrible atmosphere.
He won’t talk to me about what’s wrong if I ask, just says “i’m Fine” but sometimes he will insinuate that he can’t speak to me because he thinks i’m too unreasonable, that he couldn’t possibly discuss it with me.
I always ask him in a really calm manner and it’s always with the view of trying to talk things through and find a resolution. If anyone is likely to lose their temper it’s him; he’s damaged the wall slamming the stair gate once and smashed a glass pan lid on the floor- no one was near him during either incident- he’s never been remotely violent but seems incapable of holding an adult conversation about our relationship.
I feel like i’m walking on egg shells because nearly every time this happens it does so without warning and I never know the cause. His behaviour makes me feel very much that it’s my fault and that I must be really horrible to him, when actually I know i’m not. I know I bend over backwards for him and my kids, to the point where I have no social life at all.
He’s also excessively shouty with the kids during these periods. I find myself asking them to modify their behaviour to avoid him shouting at them. It feels very uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I do a bit of shouting myself, but generally there’s been a significant build up to this. My husband seems to shout at them as soon as they aren’t doing what he wants. The level of aggression when he shouts is completely unnecessary and not appropriate to their ages at all. I hate it and I have to stop myself intervening as he hates it if I undermine him with the kids. Though he will often walk in a tell the kids to do something or that they can’t have something which I had already agreed to or given permission for. He doesn’t recognise that this totally undermines me and disrespects the fact that I undertake 90% of the work involved with the kids and house.
I genuinely love my husband but i’m not sure I can keep going through these episodes with him. It feels like it’s slowly eroding the feelings I have for him.
I have begged him to talk to me In the past and explained that I think we’ll end up having severe problems if we don’t communicate with each other. He says yes when I say it but he’s clearly just placating me because we’re back to one word answers and this terrible atmosphere again. It’s making me feel so angry and miserable. I generally take the attitude that I will just ride it out because it does go away and get better but it seems to be happening more regularly and i’m starting to resent riding it out. I’ve started to feel a bit bullied by his behaviour but can’t really put into words why it makes me feel like that.
Not sure how to move forward from here.