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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can’t I get over him?

17 replies

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 13:06

Hi,
I split with my ex at the end of Feb. I was heartbroken, he treated me terribly. It was me who ended it but I was really left with no choice. (I had a thread on here at the time that gave me some amazing advice!)

So, 7 months later and I’ve met someone else. He’s amazing...he’s everything my ex wasn’t. He’s kind, genuine, honest, can communicate like an adult (imagine?!). But that aside, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I miss him, I miss the chemistry we had. It’s making me feel so low...I just want to move on and be happy.

Any advice?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 09/09/2018 13:13

Maybe you are missing the drama, not him as such. What your previous relationships like?

HereIgoagainxx · 09/09/2018 13:14

Sorry, what were* your previous relationships like?

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 13:31

Thanks for the reply!

Yep...full of drama and stress. Also full of passion and attraction.

My new relationship is kinda the opposite. No drama or stress...this guy would do anything to make me happy. I’m attracted to him but not as much as I was to my ex. That sounds terrible I know.

OP posts:

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 09/09/2018 13:43

Is t fair to continuebwith this new man if you don't feel as strongly about him?

Why not spend some time alone until you are over your ex?

LilianL · 09/09/2018 13:44

I agree that you should be alone until you're over him.

Djnoun · 09/09/2018 13:46

Maybe neither of them is right for you.

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 13:47

You have your ex on a pedestal and sounds like you're attached to the could have beens. The fact is you can leave the new guy but... nice ones don't come knocking every day, in fact the opposite

JungWan · 09/09/2018 13:51

you're mistaking the uncertainty with chemistry.
your x wasn't that in to you and that uncertainty creates chemistry. I'm the same. my parents were kind of sporadically into me/not that in to me so i grew up hoping they'd be attentive today. Consequently I feel attracted to men who are so so about me. It's shit. I'm single! Being single is fine but I cannot get attracted enough to anybody who's attracted to me. I know this is easy when you're young and gorgeous and everybody has something appealing about them but I'm 48 and the men who want me are awful so address it while you're young! If you CAN. I read a good book about attachment styles. Rachel Heller I think?

Monty27 · 09/09/2018 13:52

Is your new person a bit dull for you?

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 13:53

You make a valid point. I’m happy on my own, I know that. We don’t spend a tonne of time together but he definitely adds value to my life. I know that if I finish things with him, it could be a decision I regret in the future for sure. He’s a great guy, I just wish I could forget about my ex.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 13:56

JungWan, you’re so right about the attachment thing which is ultimately why I ended it really. I knew it wasn’t healthy and I I knew that it was a downwards spiral. He was controlling and narcassistic so why do I miss him? Ugh.

OP posts:

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 14:14

I'd suggest reading Baggage Reclaim posts about this topic. You're misinterpreting the fact that you still think about him or miss something about him as = proof that you still love him and he's the one who got away

When it's probably just that you haven't worked through your feelings and grief enough, to get angry and get some perspective on the situation

I dreamt about my ex last night, weirdly, unexpectedly, which just means that my brain is processing everything, not that it was a perfect and true love that I'm a fool for not being in

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 14:18

AsleepAllDay, you’re right. I know you are.
I’ll do that. I hate that he can still affect me like this when I actually hate who he turned out to be.

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 09/09/2018 14:18

You didn't end things with your ex because he didn't love him, you ended it because he was no good for you. You don't just turn those feelings off. I just think you;re simply not over him yet and should probably have given yourself more time to recover from this before meeting anyone else. This new guy has just come along at the wrong time.

notinthemood8873 · 09/09/2018 18:11

This classic might be useful to read
Women Who Love Too Much https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0099474123/ref=cm swwr cppapi_xovLBb81HF5F2

Didsomeonesaybunny · 09/09/2018 18:19

Sorry you’re feeling like this OP - been there and got the t-shirt. Every single time ex gets wind I’m happy with someone else he’s back pleading that he’s changed and wants a family with me. He has done this on many occasions and I have dumped the guys I am with for him and it has never worked out.

Our baby is a painful reminder of the ‘what could have been’ but, in reality he’s probably too damaged to even sustain a relationship and maybe your ex is the same

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 09/09/2018 22:29

Thank you for your replies.
It’s funny because I’m definitely an all or nothing kind of girl. It took me such a long time to invest in someone after separating from my sons Dad 10 years ago and I’m gutted that I picked him!

I just really want to give this new guy a proper go because he’s everything I want in a man, but without the drama (that I subconsciously) must be missing. I just wish I could put my other feeling to bed.

OP posts:

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