Co-parenting with a bitter ex - advice please :(

[meowimacat]

I left my ex 2 years ago, he was emotionally abusive and would put me down in front of the kids and even to this day talks bad about me to them. In our relationship I always put him and the kids first, he put himself first before anyone else.

As I left him I have felt guilt over hurting him, so have let him have his way a lot. He works shifts so never EVER helps out in the week with the school run etc. even if he has a day off. So Monday - Friday I do everything for our kids. If he has a weekend off he will then take them, these days he's been booking off most weekends so basically I do all the hard work in the week and then he will take them from me Friday evening and drop them home Sunday evening (usually at or past their bed time so that they have little time to even see me.)

My kids are suffering with a lack of routine, and also I'm fed up of bending over backwards for him and he treats me so disrespectfully.

Last night he took them to an event which was not really appropriate for their age as it started at their bed time. They got home in the early hours of this morning, and he contacted me today when my kids should have already been dropped off, to tell me they would not be able to make a kids party I was due to take them to today. I was furious, as I had 30 mins to inform the mum of the party who had prepared food/party bags for them. Both my kids are also poorly now as they're exhausted from being out til late, and so I'll be the one who has to take time off work tomorrow if they can't go to school.

He didn't apologise and has switched off his phone as he 'can't be bothered to deal with an argument.' It's pathetic and I have no idea what time my kids are now coming home today.

What do I do? I try to set boundaries and he doesn't follow them. I'm not the type of person to stop him having them - I have no family to help me so when he has them it's the only time I have a break - but I just feel exhausted from it all. I'm also fed up of being treated so poorly by him when basically I do everything. He's so mad I left him he is constantly bitter and nasty to me - even today wouldn't apologise, just told me he's not going to stop doing things with his kids because it 'ruins my day.' (Yes because I really wanted to take them to a kids party because he refuses to do anything like that with them.)

Does anyone have any idea what I can do to make him be more reasonable? Part of me feels like telling him he can't have them any more if he's going to be the way he is, but I just don't feel I can do that. Plus legally I probably can't anyway. I just feel so stuck and upset about the whole situation, not to mention drained. Any advice on how to co-parent with such a pain is the ass would be much appreciated.

you cannot make him be more reasonable.
an unreasonable man never becomes more reasonable after you leave him, that i know first hand.

I would advise never reacting. If he takes them to juggle knives and gives them a beer and puts them on the back of a motor bike without helmuts just say 'ok' because he is trying to make you stress. He gets off on your anxiety and it's so much harder to make you stressed and anxious now he doesn't live with you. The only way is through the kids. So you MUST not react the next time he brings them back four hours late.

I was hung drawn and quartered by some on various internet fora for this but what i did was move further away from him. Fewer visits, less convenient. I know you need to be near your work/family etc but I would seriously consider moving far enough away that a court can't order you to move nearer to him but far enough away that a visit once a month will be the upshot.

ps don't catastrophise. You will not have to take the day off tomorrow. You don't know that they're sick. They may be tired and up to 90 but a night's sleep and they'll be good to go for school tomorrow morning. They were going to go to a party this afternoon anyway, which they've missed. Try not to sweat the little stuff. So what that they missed a child's party. My x was the same, you couldn't bend over backwards far enough for him, you'd still be accused of being selfish, but I DO NOT have any interest in what he feeds them or where he takes them while they're with him.

can you move just a little bit further away from him so that this drama is fortnightly rather than weekly?

Stop feeling you have to appease him and get a sensible EOW schedule in place

Dont react to him and yes to EOW schedule. You need some fun time with the DC's as well

My story is similar to yours but I’m now 5 years down the line. XH was abusive and not used to doing any childcare so when we separated, he really struggled, eventually leading to low level neglect and abuse of the dc. I was similarly reluctant to dictate to him, feeling that if I let things take their course, he would learn and improve. What a mistake that was!

The catalyst for me was when we got a social worker due to my DD’s MH problems (partly due to XH’s behaviour) and they begun questioning why I was letting them be subjected to this treatment. I realised that a lot if it was conditioning - throughout the abuse, I’d learnt not to question his behaviour due to the backlash I’d get.

Eventually, after yet another safeguarding incident, I stopped contact completely and told him to seek a court order. We’ve only had one hearing so far but the court were very blunt with him that his behaviour was unacceptable and he was forced to make undertakings around the dc’s safety. He squirmed in court when the pathetic excuses he’d give me were batted back by the court.

If I were you, I’d keep a diary of everything that happens. Perhaps send an email proposing a more structured routine (one that gives you some down time with DC’s also) and make it clear its in the interests of the dc. If he fails to stick to it, stop contact and let him take you to court. You’ll have to go to mediation (MIAM) but it will unlikely progress due to previous abuse.

Don’t waste as much time as I did op. It will get worse.

Thank you so much everyone.

I live in an area with no family/friends really. I moved here with the ex but as our DC are in school here and settled I have tried to make a life for us here. I still live in the house we rented together, and just about manage to afford to keep renting here - it's v expensive. I am tempted to move away but when speaking to him about it he begged me not to and yet again I felt guilty and have stuck it out here. He has family around here, I don't. I did set up a business here, but I struggle to run that now as a single parent. I do like where I live, but I guess aside from my kids school there isn't much left for me to stay here, I just feel sad to leave in a way, I don't think I could find somewhere else to rent so that would mean moving in with my parents which would be a nightmare.

I usually just let him get on with taking them out and don't react. He took them camping the last week in the Summer holidays and I contacted every day asking for an update and got nothing. They came back exhausted and poorly the day before going back to school.

@JungWan My child was sick on Friday when he took them and that's why I had to take the day off work and told him not to take them out late on Saturday as he was ill. But he has done it anyway.

Thing is they are falling behind in class, they are tired, and are constantly passed between me and the ex and his grandparents (he takes them there most as they do everything and he doesn't have to.)

@PeachBomb thank you. I know his parents would help him fight in court, and the thing is his parents are lovely and love the kids and are really good with them. But they spoiled their son, and so would do anything for him and if he wanted to fight in court they'd pay for him to do all that. He was always an absent father who did nothing, but all of a sudden now we're split he wants access to them and gets upset if he can't. They didn't know he moved out of our house for a year after he left because he was such an absent parent!

The diary is a good idea. Because if you did what peachbomb did, by the time it got to court you'd have a catalogue of diaried tantrums. I was the same, I rarely if ever pushed back because the backlash was like a tidal wave of rage that engulfed me.
Poor children, hope they get a good night's sleep tonight

Would his parents be able to do the pick ups and drop offs so that you didn't have to be subjected to their son's abuse?

Don't let him take the kiss 'most weekends'. You can be flexible for his shift work without being a mug. If he can book weekends off, then he can book them off on an every other week schedule.

*take the kids!

He obviously never gets to take a kiss

Where would you move to , to get more support
Kids are very adaptable and can slot in . IMO the earlier the better.

As for you . You are entitled to happiness too

I think you need to note the difference between letting him do what he wants and safeguarding the DC.

Ignore his begging and get a schedule for EOW in place.

If he can't make his weekend then tough.

The more reasonable you are, the more unreasonable he will be

He will never be happy with what you’re offering

Stop trying to keep him happy.......you need to keep the children happy

Share weekends. You both get every other weekend. Otherwise when do your family get to see the children?

How far away are your parents? A court would be sympathetic to your work issues as you are primary carer.

Why could you not rent again? Not sure it was reasonable that you contacted him everyday when he was on holiday, there is no need for regular updates.

Stipulate what you feel is reasonable, eow, half of holidays etc and then enforce it. He can take you to court and no reason why you would not be granted that schedule.
If it's court ordered then he has to abide by it.

How old are the dc? Time is on your side as dc get vocal as they get older and after 11 years old courts listen to their wishes.

Go see a solicitor about a fairer contact schedule. He can’t haveit all his own way. Get them to also draw up a parenting agreement. Time to get things sorted properly/legally. Stop avoiding it.