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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married but stupidly lonely

12 replies

Daisyday1 · 09/09/2018 11:48

So to start my husband is a kind gentle man and a good dad. Only problem is he just leaves me feeling alone all the time and like a single parent. He is a very hard working person but more often than not he allows this to take over life completely. Then when he isn't at work he is staring at his phone or the telly. I just feel like I'm always on my own. He never wants to do anything, whether that be socialising, spending time with family or the children. I often end up going on my own. It's always the excuse that he has to work. Then when it comes to his hobby he always manages to find time for that. We did have quite a big falling out over the same issue last year, and things did get better for a while. He has reverted back to how it was before now and I don't feel like I want to keep bringing up every few months when things start to slide again. I try everything I can to spend some time with him and try to got our relationship and friendship back but he just says no everytime. I really don't know what to do now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and wasting my time.

OP posts:
Isitovernow · 09/09/2018 11:53

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and wasting my time.

Say that to your DH and see what he says. He needs to realise the extent of your unhappiness because of this. It sounds like he's gotten lazy.

Charles11 · 09/09/2018 12:06

It does sound similar to my situation except dh will interact with us when he’s at home and he will take the kids to the park or run some errands with them in tow.
I’ve accepted that he wants to chill at home and just stopped including my dh in days out and social occasions. I know it’s not the ideal situation but I’m not going to miss out and neither are my kids.
I’ve got a good network of friends and I often spend time with them and I organise days out with kids and sometimes arrange things with friends and their kids too.
Is that an option for you?

meowimacat · 09/09/2018 12:08

Let him know and if things don't change walk away. Honestly, I had this, I said the exact words 'i feel like a single parent' and he didn't change. It's miserable. I'm now single and so much happier - i'd rather choose to be alone than be in a relationship where I feel alone. Big hugs xx

Daisyday1 · 09/09/2018 12:20

We had a big shake up over the same thing last year. He said things would change, and they did for a while. Buy things have definitely gone back to how they were. I know he would be devastated if I left but I can't spend forever waiting for him to make time for me/us. I don't really want to keep having the same conversation again and again each time it slips back again. X

OP posts:
SoCockneyItHurts · 09/09/2018 12:31

Just to say I could have written this post! I even left my husband 2 years ago and filed for divorce but we got back together after promises of change etc. And yet here I am again in the same situation xx

Butterfly44 · 09/09/2018 13:30

Exactly the same for me. I felt like a single parent. I work FT and do everything yet he would still come back after work and sit in the lounge until early hours, wake up late etc. I began to resent him. Then I realised I never got anything back at all - no appreciation, no compliments on anything I did. I felt I was a mother to him and the kids and definitely not a wife. I started doing my own thing, with friends and the kids. We started not talking. Promises of change never happened. He said we'd do counselling, never happened. That signalled to me the marriage wasn't worth it. I was desperately unhappy, kids were suffering with an unhappy mum and not knowing what a normal loving respectful relationship should be like. For 4 years this continued, separate rooms, definitely no sex and barely talking. I struggled with what the right thing to to do was but then a light went off and I realised I needed to end this.
We separated. He bought somewhere else but actually lives abroad now. Its hard just me on my own but I'm much happier. He doesn't come to visit back much which totally signals to me I damn right made the right decision.
We only live once. I'm not living it being unhappy. Don't settle. The biggest worry for me was the kids (they were fine) and the future (still unknown). It's easy to stay comfortable in the life you built and the unknown is scary. That's why so many seek to have something in place before they leave. But it's a brave person who leaves into the unknown!
Someone once said - if you aren't sure if the right thing to do - imagine it's your child and what advice you would give them - do that x

LatteLover12 · 09/09/2018 13:36

I left my ExH for different reasons OP but I can 100% say being on my own as a single mum of two was so much better than wasting my life trying to fix my broken marriage.

I’m happier, the kids were and are fine & I've gone on to meet the most wonderful man in my new DP.

You only get one life, you sound so unhappy, my advice would be to start making plans to leave. Get everything sorted in advance & go for it!

Daisyday1 · 09/09/2018 14:19

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really helps knowing I'm not being dramatic or over thinking things. I know if I left, me and the children would be OK eventually. I just really worry what it will do to him. I do still care for him but I dont want to carry on feeling like I'm wasting my time and my life is passing me by. X

OP posts:
Charles11 · 09/09/2018 15:36

Definitely don’t let life pass you by.
Can you ask dh for a ‘time slot’?
Maybe ask him for one day a month to go out somewhere as a family and one morning or afternoon plus an hour a day.
Sometimes it seems better if it’s schefuled in, if you know what I mean.
If he refuses then just go do things without him.
I was so pissed off looking back on my years on a particular birthday and thinking I’ve had a really boring life with dh that I vowed that I wasn’t going to look back at any more boring years and neither were my kids.

Daisyday1 · 09/09/2018 15:59

I have been doing things on my own for a few years now. I will maybe speak to him once more, but if that doesn't work I will really have to consider leaving. I got married because I wanted to share my life and experiences with someone, not to be on my own.

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 09/09/2018 18:26

I just really worry what it will do to him

You're taking all this on yourself. If HE was worried about what it will do to him, he'd be doing something to make sure it doesn't happen.

He isn't worrying abut what his current behaviour is doing to you, and I think that absolves you from worrying about him.

Leave and allow yourself the chance to be with someone who will treasure your company.

Daisyday1 · 09/09/2018 20:21

MortyVicar

Thank you, I hadn't considered it from that point of view. You are completely right. I have said a few times that it's a problem and it hasn't changed. X

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