those of you who have family that don't see your kids, do your kids remember who they are when they doo see them and how do the family react if not?

[wannaBe]

My sil hasn't seen my ds for over a year. It's not a big deal to me any more tbh, she's not maternal, she doesn't have kids so obviously doesn't think about kids in the same way I do, but I know she's told mil she wants to "be a good auntie" whatever that is.

We don't see them because most of their weekends are taken up by football - I mean they're obsessed with it to the point that when they were staying with bil's family on isle of Man over Christmas and the ferries were cancelled due to the storms they flew home so as not to miss a football match, and then flew back again two days later to collect their car. Madness IMO but each to their own and all that.

Anyway, last night a friend of dh's came to see us - we haven't seen him for about 18 months as they don't live locally and have had a lot on their plate due to his dw being ill etc. But my ds didn't remember him. He had just turned three the last time we saw them and he's now 4.5. It's occurred to me now that next time ds sees my sil he probably won't remember her. This is going to cause huge upset in the family - I know it is. When ds was a baby we were accused of keeping him from sil as when she picked him up he cried and I naturally took him to comfort him, and this was taken badly and a huge family row followed with resulted in my fil not speaking to me for two years.

I'm not bothered if my ds doesn't have a relationship with my sil, we don't really have anything in common so don't have a close relationship ourselves.

has anyone experienced this? how do your family react when the kids don't remember them?

We live a long way from most of our family.
We keep in touch using Skype and a webcam.
Cheaper than travelling, makes everyone feel like we're making the effort, and means I can turn my MIL off after a few minutes.

sounds like my idea of heaven BS!

SIL's family live in Australia (she is Australian herself). Her and BIL have a year old baby. They have webcams and use MSN to let their DD see grandparents etc. as much as possible.

lol at turning your mil off bs.

Tbh we would probably get a webcam if it was grandparents etc - we did consider emigrating to Australia at one point so would def have gone down that route then, but sil/bil only live 30 mins down the road and are generally too busy with football/their jobs/bil's racing to ever be around at a time that ds would be around to interact on a webcam.

I'm not overly bothered that they/ds don't have a relationship. I grew up abroad so didn't have a relationship with any of my extended family so these things just aren't that important to me in the same way as they are to people who have always had close family relationships, but obviously I know the day will come when se see them again and that day will probably bring with it some arguments and upset.

when the children aer older they do tend to remember if you talk about them positively and have photos around

my sisters live 30min driveaway an 1hr 45min drive they visit every threeish weeks my dd takes ages to get used to them (1yo) yet she asks after my eldest sis, also she asks for nan an grandpa although we only see them every threeish weeks (my inlaws) she quite happy to go with mil but not fil! think as your ds gets older he will understand we also show dd photos an let her talk on phone to them! they sometimes dont understand why my dd wont go to them but my niece (9mo) will.
or when she does see them she asks for our neighbour an her ds

Tbh if your sil genuinely wanted to be a good auntie she wouldn't have left it so long between visits....

My children don't see their extended family very often as they live elsewhere - maybe 4/5 times a year for some and only once a year for others. Obvioulsy younger children won't remember someone they don't see very often but I think your ds is old enough to remember people he sees maybe once a year or so providing you help him to remember them by having photos of her around, talking about her, etc.

My kids know they have an uncle in NZ (only the eldest ever met him) and sometimes they do forget about him (leave hm out if they are naming all their aunts and uncles eg) but if I talk about him they do know who I mean, iyswim.

Crossed posts with Enid (typing too slow...)!

We don't see any of our family very often due to distance. Our DS has a wee photo album with all of us, our pets and grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins and other photos of fave holidays and days out etc. He loves this wee book. Could you start "priming" your ds before your sil comes by showing photos and talking about her coming to see him and talk about how much fun it is going to be when she comes to visit him?
hth

I agree with Flier, we have photos of the ENTIRE family all around the house, and they have a special wee box with photos that they look through and talk about the people in the photos.

I also made up our own remembering game, where I duplicated a lot of our family photos, decorated the backs and laminated them. I can't remember the name of the game, you then turn them all upside down, and you have to turn 2 cards at the time and if its a pair you win them, if not you turn them over again and the next person tries.

It is a funny remark is it not, I want to be a good auntie. My bigsister says the same, however she did not send a birthday card, did not phone, and did not email. Completely ignored the invitation we sent for his birthday (she is his godmother as well) as well. They remember her for bringing sweeties, and she has taught my daughter to associate her with SHOPPING. Although my husband and I have agreed that she is never going to be allowed to take them outside the house on her own. She does not have any children either, but she knows all about motherhood (according to herself).

They do sound like quite a "sensitive" family, that tends to overreact when things don't pan out as they want. I.e. auntie is ready to hold baby and bond with him, does not listen to baby and maybe start out by letting him come to her. Does not understand that she is a complete stranger to him and refuse to give him time to get used to her.The easiest for them is to blame the mother.

What does your husband say to all of this?

My children did start to hide behind me when she came storming in to the room. We are lucky though that our children are quite sociable.

my mum and dad are brill with my kids and grand kids cant say same for his they think they are,they never come and c us even though they can visit rich b i l in scotland if u r well off and live in big house with posh jobs they love u if u arent u arent worth mentioning.it dont bother me ill mix with anyone . my b i l takes my ex friends kid everywhere abroad and cant be bothered to even c his niece that lives nearby to her, it stinks

I might be on the wrong track here but it sounds like you're more bothered about the potential upset that might be caused by him not remembering than the not remembering itself....

My advice would be to be led entirely by your DS. If he does remember, all well and good - problem solved. If not, just make some conciliatory comments about his age and his memory and ask SIL if she has a recent photo you can frame for his bedroom

I don't keep in contact with my siblings but they do see me and DD from time to time at family gatherings - about twice a year. She never remembers them (she's 2.5 yrs) and to be honest, I couldn't care less if that resulted in a row or not. I get irritated by my sister's fake cooing over her (as if she actually cares!) but then feel vindicated when DD walks off with her nose in the air

Before anybody jumps on me for being a nasty heartless b*ch, it did take an awful lot for me to get to this point which I won't bore you with! Suffice to say that DD keeping in regular contact with the family would not justify the aggro I would have to put up with!

DS doesn't see certain members of his family because they can't be arsed to make the effort. If he can't remember them, it's not his fault. I'm not going to be ashamed if they're lazy or ignorant.

My dad probable sees ds once a month if that and mostly only if I take him over to see him as he doesn't drive and apparantly the 30mins on the train is too much of an ideal. Anyway, I don't object to taking ds over there but it means that we can only do it every now and again. Ds is very wary of my dad at first and it takes a good 30mins settling in before ds can be left alone in the room with him and then he's fine and goes off playing etc. My dad does get a bit funny about it but I don't really react - I just think if you were that bothered, you'd make more of an effort to see him. It's really the other people's problem I think. I have too much going on to ferry my child round to everyone's houses so they don't feel shit when ds doesn;t recognise them!!!

oh maisemor how similar yours sounds to mine. My sil told us that "I know about babies because I have friends who have them" when we had this row. was "close to tears" accrding to bil because we wouldn't let her near my ds apparently, even though she didn't actually come and speak to him for at least an hour after she had entered the house because she was talking to mil/fil/walking outside to admire the garden - you get the picture. The last time she came she spent the whole time bossing ds about, "don't do that/say please/don't shout", despite the fact my ds is a very sociable child she is the only person I can honestly say that my ds hasn't taken a liking to.

c&c yes you're right it's more the fall-out that would concern me but ultimately I guess that's their lookout not mine. No I wouldn't be bothered if ds didn't recognize her, if I'm honest I would probably find it somewhat amusing actually.

I've been worrying about this same issue too as dh's family havent seen our DD's for nearly a year!

We fell out and are trying to get back on track with them, but I know when the DD's see MIL and FIL they'll be shy, scared (as both very tall and domineering!) and probably run away! MIL will be bound to take it badly as she takes everything badly... hmmm what to do?
I do try to talk about dh's family to DD's as much as possible but they dont really know who they are.
Think the laminated photo game is a brill idea!
I'm moving 200 miles away at the end of the month and I think this'll be a good way for the DD's to remember all the friends and family we'll be leaving behind, so that when we do see them next it will be easier for them to connect.

Wannabe I should maybe add that I no longer have contact with my family, as they are just too high maintenance (this is me putting it politely by the way), and after having children I just don't have the energy to do as they want me to...or the incline it is just not worth it. You'll get nothing in return.

If they are anything like my family, then no matter how you handle this, it aint gonna be good enough. You could handle it like the most saintliest of angels and they would still find something to complain about and blame you.

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