Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband has left again, what do I do

19 replies

MrsCJ123 · 09/09/2018 09:24

I’m trying to condense a long story into a snippet here but the short of it is, we’ve been together 13 years and married 7 and we have a 6 year old together. 4 years ago he had an affair and went to live with a colleague. After 3 months, he came back and we worked hard at our relationship and we’re happy....so I thought...3 weeks ago he left, said something was missing and he’s been distant with me since as if he’s boxed off that I exist. He’s having our son on a Saturday at the moment as he’s just moved jobs.
People ask what I want and I guess I want us all back together again but I need to face the reality that I’m going to be alone.
We moved 12 months ago for a fresh start so I don’t really have any friends or family here, I’m feeling very lonely.
My parents disowned me when I took him back last time.
I’m sorry to drone on but I just need someone to tell me how to get over this again 😢

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2018 09:31

Don't have him back again, change the locks. You can do better than someone who cheats on you and looks at you as an option not a priority. Can you get back in contact with your family?

Cawfee · 09/09/2018 09:32

How hard for you. I find it shocking that your parents would do that! As if things aren’t hard enough! They should be there unconditionally for you. Could you get back in touch with your parents and explain that you need some support?

Original poster

MrsCJ123 · 09/09/2018 09:33

No they ship has sailed unfortunately. I just don’t know how to move on. I’m devastated ever time I see him and I just feel worthless 😢

OP posts:

Babdoc · 09/09/2018 09:33

OP, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. You’ve given up so much in moving away from your family and support network for this shit of a man, and he’s been totally unappreciative and demonstrated that he’s not worth it.
I think you need to accept that it’s over. Don’t allow him back even if he changes his mind again. Find your anger, pride and dignity, and work out what you where you want to go from here.
The first big decision is whether to stay in your new area and try to build a life there, or whether to move back to where your family and friends live, so you have some support in future. And you need to see a solicitor to discuss divorce arrangements. But take a few days to process your distress first, so you are able to think straight.
Sending you a hug, OP. I hope your future is much happier than your present. God bless.

Cawfee · 09/09/2018 09:33

I don’t think you should take him back. He’s just going to keep doing this and then you end up wasting your life. Draw a line in the sand

TheFaerieQueene · 09/09/2018 09:33

Don’t change the locks. He is, I assume, on the mortgage, so it is still his house.
That said. Don’t take him back. Now you need to think about what you want for your and your sons future.

HenryInTheTunnel · 09/09/2018 09:36

How was it left with your parents? By disowned do you mean "never darken our door again", or "we love you but we can't sit by and watch you play happy families with this man"?

If the latter, could they support you to move on this time?

Original poster

MrsCJ123 · 09/09/2018 09:37

Thing is I know he’ll come back, he’s seeing a counsellor and that’s what brought him back last time, the realisation of what he’d lost so it’s inevitable that in a couple of months I’ll get that knock on the door. I just don’t know how to be strong and say no, I know it sounds pathetic but I’ve dedicated my life to that man and he’s let me down again 😢

OP posts:

Namethecat · 09/09/2018 09:38

Your husband leaving you is not your fault. Firstly you have to believe this. You took him back when most would not and tried to work through it. Next it's shit but you need to start looking at building a new life ,just you and your child. See it that your ex still having contact with his child as a good thing, and when he picks them up try to look upbeat and together ( fake it til you make it ) Personally I think your parents wanting nothing to do with you pretty poor. Does that also mean they have turned their back on your child ? That says more about them than you .

Original poster

MrsCJ123 · 09/09/2018 09:41

My parents haven’t seen my son in all that time either. They were never overly loving parents so there’s no going back there.

OP posts:

Usernc12 · 09/09/2018 09:41

Sunk costs, how you want it to work has gone. Dedicate your life to yourself & child now.

eve34 · 09/09/2018 10:06

Be kind to yourself. You did all you could. And I know how difficult this situation is.

To me. A ltr and ow are chalk and cheese. And can't be compared. He either wanted the stability of family life or he wants the thrill of someone new.

He is not the man you thought he was and is putting his own wants before that of his family. Do you really want someone who would do that by your side.

Protect yourself now. Gather people around you. I know you feel you don't have anyone. But if someone U know wanted support at a difficult would you turn them away.

Go to your gp if you feel you need professional support. Or to just get it out.

Good that he has regular contact with the children. Sort maintenance and Keep firm
Boundaries in place.

Pack up any of his stuff. Get it out of the way. Move things around a little at home and buy new sheets.

And don't have long chats about where it went wrong with him. It is pointless and it is only you that gets hurt. You will get through this but it all takes time.

slapbitchface · 09/09/2018 10:21

Gosh I am so sorry OP. Letting him go is what you need to do but it must be so hard

GreenTulips · 09/09/2018 10:26

Stop thinking of him as some sort of prize to win regardless

You have to decide what you want - were you happy? Did you enjoy your time since the split/getting back together?

Can you move back to where friends are so you aren't hanging around for him to come back?

Think about you and your future - otherwise you are going to have years of this when you could make a happy life of your own

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 09/09/2018 10:30

Try and carve out a life for yourself without him.
Watch TV shows you love that he didn't like.
Read in the bath.
Do couch25k.
Take up hobbies that get out out meeting new people.
But most of all try to notice how it feels to have dignity and then when he comes crawling back you won't find him an appealing prospect.
He will do this again if you let him.

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 10:35

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. With children it always makes things 100 times more difficult. Surely your parents can understand that you wanted to keep your family together and that is why you took him back, they shouldn’t hold that against you. Only you can decide if you want to keep trying to have a relationship, but remember you are worth so much more than what he has put you through x

Original poster

MrsCJ123 · 09/09/2018 15:20

My friend is traveling an hour an a half to keep me company for a couple of hours so that helps.
I don’t know how to get strong before he tries to come back. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

MortyVicar · 09/09/2018 18:16

I guess I want us all back together again

I just don’t know how to be strong and say no

I don’t know how to get strong before he tries to come back

Mrs CJ can you articulate why you think these things? Your family have never been a great source of support, and although you've left family and friends when you moved, you'd taken him back after an affair before that. Are you feeling that he's better than having no-one? Do you feel that you don't deserve to be treated better than he's doing?

It's perhaps easier to help you if we know what's in your mind.

Cawfee · 09/09/2018 18:21

I recommend finding yourself a really good counsellor asap. Google “relationship divorce counsellor” and your area now and email half a dozen tonight. Get yourself support to stand up to him. Speak to women’s aid and see if you can do the freedom program. You need to give yourself self confidence and self esteem tools. At the moment you are so worn down that you can’t see a future without him. Why don’t you move back to where your friend is. At least you’ve then got somebody for support. Do you work?

Flip