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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No relationships by 27, feel like I will never overcome my anxieties

22 replies

GreyBlushNavy · 09/09/2018 08:54

Do you think there’s any chance of me ever having a real relationship? I have horrible social anxiety to start with and the thought of kissing anyone or having sex really doesn’t sound enjoyable.

I think the only way I could kiss someone would be if I knew them really well. OLD seems dreadful and I don’t like taking photographs of myself anyway.

I desperately want a baby and a family but I think I’m just too weird to ever get there.

Is this it, do you think? Am I stuck weird?!

OP posts:

itsnotlight · 09/09/2018 09:23

I definitely do not think this is it! Do you make friends easily?

I used to be quite shy and found that treating men like friends helped to get to know them and then things often developed from there - which is the best way anyway!

Perhaps in the meantime you could find some ways to increase your confidence? I work in a busy job where I have to do s lot of socialising and presentations etc which i never thought i would do a few years ago. In my opinion you have to practise and fake it until you make it! If there's a deeper rooted issued then also consider therapy?

itsnotlight · 09/09/2018 09:23

Also OLD may be a good way to put yourself out there and realise people do want to chat to you?

Dieu · 09/09/2018 09:28

Give OLD a chance. Have you had counselling?

Onedayy · 09/09/2018 09:32

Why don’t you just take it step by step? Put a profile on an online dating site and start by chatting to a few guys.

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 12:40

Maybe you're asexual? Or aromantic?

compostcorner · 09/09/2018 13:33

i am a 58 year old male, when i was a teenager boys and girls would constantly tell me i was ugly, so i became very shy and introverted, so when i hit 30 i decided i had to do something about it, or grow old and lonely, all my friends told me there was nothing wrong with me, so this was before the days of the internet so i started replying to the ads in the lonely hearts column in the local paper, and put an ad in myself, it was the best thing i ever did, i met loads of people, most of them thought i was sweet but didnt want to take it any further, but i learned how to talk to the opposite sex and found out that not every girl in the world thought i was ugly. fast forward to today, and i have had 3 long term relationships all starting from internet dating sites, i still have issues over my looks and can retreat back in to my shell at any time, but nowhere near as bad as i was.

funnylittlefloozie · 09/09/2018 13:34

You dont have to kiss anyone you don't want to!! When you meet the right person, you will actually want to kiss them.

Practice taking selfies until you dont hate them so much. Wear a smidge of make-up to just enhance your features a bit, then hold the phone slightly above eye level so you have to look up slightly, and angle it so that it shows a three-quarter or seven-eighths view of your face, rather than a straight on picture. This isn't your passport photo!

Then, make yourself a profile somewhere free like POF, and just chat to a few people at first. Dont be pushed into meeting anyone, or getting into any chats that you arent comfortable with.

Do you socialise with anyone you work with? Sometimes work friends can be useful for setting you up with their friends. Definitely dont give up hope, anyway - 27 is a baby!!

Mookatron · 09/09/2018 13:37

I was you! Now I'm 42 with a husband and 2 kids. I met DH when I was (I think) 29. We were house mates so I did know him really well before I kissed him.

Probably more significantly, I had just had a short course of counselling about anxiety/ childhood stuff... With a go.

Incidentally this may not apply to you but I found OLD a really bad idea for me - I was too eager to be what the men wanted without thinking what I wanted. I think you need to enjoy casual socialising to find OLD any good. I think my expectations of every date were too high (and just telling myself that didn't help).

You'll be grand.

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 13:42

I felt like a late bloomer too but downloaded tinder and just went out and kissed and fooled around with a lot of frogs... I don't do one night stands & didn't nab a boyfriend that way but did make me feel more comfortable & at ease with my body and how to do things.... met my bf as mates and now totally heartbroken post breakup but it was a beautiful experience

So yes: you are desirable and attractive and someone will really fancy you! It helps for me that I'm outgoing, political, have lots to talk about so honestly, a catch. I'm sure you have loads of positive things too and passions you can bring to the table, as well as an independent spirit

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 13:44

@funnylittlefloozie thank you for saying that 27 is a baby! Feeling really down post breakup and like I won't love again, dramatic but took me this long to get into a mutual, loving relationship (so yes OP, it can happen!)

vikingwoman · 09/09/2018 13:47

I had terrible shyness and social anxiety as well. I had counselling when I was 26-28. Married DP at 31, 2 dcs, and we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last week. You can do It, OP.

KlutzyDraconequus · 09/09/2018 14:08

I keep thinking that there should be a dating app for less social type people. There's lots of us that don't want the social anxiety of meeting people out and about but would still like a relationship.

Start with Plenty of fish, keep photos private, IME women don't even need pictures to get attention. Lol.
Have a look at local guys and see if any of them sound decent. Chuck them a message.

Original poster

GreyBlushNavy · 09/09/2018 18:47

Thank you everyone, especially those of you with the same stories... a little bit of hope.

I don't make friends easily. I've learned to do social small talk but I find it really hard to keep that going into a friendship.

OLD seems terrifying to me. I'd be embarrassed if anyone set me up because I'll inevitably make a complete idiot of myself.

OP posts:

Dieu · 09/09/2018 19:28

KlutzyDraconequus · 09/09/2018 19:30

Do you have any interests OP?
Not necessarily to turn into hobbies with people , tho that would've good too.
But there are many places inline he you can chat to other folk about any interests you have. There's an app called Discord which is like an old skool chat room.
Find an interest, find a discord chat room, make some friends on there.
If you're lucky three might be someone on there you hit it off with and can have a meetup for coffee. (Male or female, friend or dating)
Important to remember, you're not alone. :)

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 19:35

@GreyBlushNavy if you are dating men, you'll soon see that there are SO MANY weirdos, no hopers, arrogant tossers, idiots etc on OLD and apps too. Work on your self esteem before you go in so you can approach this with caution, pragmatism and an ability to laugh at the worst stuff. Don't go into it thinking that they're all better than you and you're pond life or a piece of gum on a shoe. Know your worth and set your sights on having fun. It definitely took the fright out of meeting new men for me :)

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 19:37

And what's the worst thing that can happen if you go to the pub with a stranger and don't hit it off? Make your apologies and go home, take a call from a friend pretending to have a flood or whatever, say 'I don't see this working out' and the most you've lost is the price of a cocktail

UserHistory · 09/09/2018 19:37

It may well be that you never form any relationships at all ever in your life unless you get to the bottom of your anxiety.

I think you need to invest in therapy and dig deep to uncover why you are so uncomfortable with intimacy. I think you need two years of solid work on yourself. Find out what you like, and who you are. And how come you are where you are?

I don’t think you should bother with OLD.

Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter?

Good luck.

RhubarbTea · 09/09/2018 19:37

Have you heard of the term demisexual? It means (I think) someone who doesn't experience sexual desire or attraction until they know someone well. I'm a bit like that and have always ended up in relationships with friends or penpals. Worth thinking about in case it helps you, google it.

SofaHunt · 09/09/2018 19:45

I'm frightened of cats and dogs

(You see, I'm completely nuts!).

I know exactly why I'm like this- I was bullied at school and it was a great game for boys sitting near me to try and put their arms around me, or make sex noises. I have never been able to shake off the idea that the person I am talking to is really humiliating me and I don't know about it.

IThinkILoveAI · 09/09/2018 19:52

I was the same as you OP. I didn’t have my first proper kiss or anything until I was 29. You do start to think that it will never happen.

However, I made a mistake in choosing the man who came along. It turns out he was a massive arsehole. Take your time and remember your worth.

UserHistory · 09/09/2018 19:56

@Sofahunt it sounds to me you have PTSD from sexual assault.

Please try some therapy.

It’s not fair what happened to you, and you deserve better than to suffer still. 💐

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