FOG; a helluva drug.

[FoldyRoll]

My parents are a pair of nightmares. Hyper critical, passive aggressive, utterly selfish and untrustworthy with gas lighting and narc tendencies. Now, in my 40's, I'm finally starting to recognise (thanks to years of counselling an MN) how abnormal my childhood was and adult relationship with them is.

I've gradually lessened contact to the point where they seem to have realised, and haven't called to tell me where I'm going wrong for about 2 weeks (way longer than normal). Should be a cause for celebration, right? So why do I feel so guilty and that I really ought to call them, despite not wanting to in the slightest?

DH is supportive, correctly says calling will still leave me feeling bad, but in a different way. How do you get over this obligation and guilt hump? Or should I give in to fear of a big family scene?

You've just begun to set yourself free. Don't turn back now. Think about your life and I hope you will realise how fruitless and pointless your misplaced guilt is. You will only continue to be their punching bag of you allow yourself to. That's no way to live.

Old patterns are hard to break, that’s all!

Thank you. You're right. She called this morning as we were walking out the door, so there's a time bomb sitting in the voicemail

Get DH to listen to it for you and then he can delete it too!

Don't listen to it. Just delete it. That would be a positive big step forward.

If you’ve had 40 years or so of dealing with your parents, it’s a tad unrealistic to expect that you can break that pattern in 2 weeks; you’ve made a really good start - don’t crack now.

You'll get there, if you do want to go low contact rather than none, then i found having a short script ready of safe topics and a brisk finish to the call ready.

Dont bother listening to the voicemail, or if dh is willing you can ask him to screen, an overburdened sigh and a hangup was enough to skyrocket my anxiety - at which point aa realised some changes were needed!

OP, pretend for a moment that you’ve never met your parents before. They’re just two random people you’ve been introduced to at a social event. Think of all their “qualities” that you listed in your post - “Hypercritical, passive aggressive, utterly selfish and untrustworthy, with gaslighting and narc tendencies”.
Would you choose to spend even five minutes with people like this? Would you want to chat on the phone with them, arrange to go out with them, invite them to your house?
I rather think not! Why is it any different because they’re your parents? They forfeited any right to your love, respect or consideration by their treatment of you over the past 40 years.
Please ditch the guilt and start enjoying life without this toxic pair spoiling everything. You owe them nothing.
And I speak as someone who went NC with my own toxic parents nearly 30 years ago and didn’t regret it for a minute.

Not contacting them is out of your comfort zone so for you, silence is uncomfortable even though it's what you've been striving for. You'll to get used to it, and the feelings will slowly fade.

Don't respond to the voicemail. Get your DH to listen to it, and if he thinks you should hear it, then listen. Otherwise, carry on settling into the new paradigm of NC.

All good points about getting used to this, thanks. Voicemail unlistened to. Email today, asking how we are and 'we miss you'. I replied fine thanks, some minor details eg kids back at school. Another email 2 hours later reiterating that they miss us all. They live 5 mins walk away, FFS! Sweepstake on when the flying monkeys will be unleashed?

It seems awful hard to me to turn backs to the closest relatives we ever have. Mothers/children it cant get any closer. Yet there seems to be so much agitation about relationships of the closest degree.

I have experienced being shouted at, constant criticism, being the butt of all the little funny stories and certain matters being discussed that I don't want to be in public knowledge. I have left out of things. I have been used by my nearest and dearest. I was also physically abused All of the above would likely be denied but I know it was all true. People have told me what they have seen.

After years of all this I have had peace for a few months. It is great to have the peace but it is sad that relationships between the nearest and dearest have come to this.

I think everyone is so sure of their own stance that they are not prepared to see another point of view.

Sweepstake on when the flying monkeys will be unleashed?

About 2 weeks IME but will vary considering a) how much she likes being a martyr and b) how much mileage she thinks she'll get out of it with the appropriate narcissistic supply.

Op, DON'T BACK DOWN NOW. You have just begun to stand up for yourself and to put your own well-being first. Your parents will never ever change, no matter how desperately you want them to.

Your new life starts now. Don't blow it.

I won't Aqua. It stills weird and guilt provoking. There's a soundtrack in my mind that this is my fault and I'm being a drama queen, they've done nothing wrong etc etc.

You're right, Stillme. It would be so nice to have a proper relationship with my parents, and it really makes me wistful when you see what mother/daughter relationships can be like, but it's just not possible for some of us. We need to put ourselves and our own families ahead of chasing an impossible dream.

Think of it like you broke up with someone.

You question yourself "maybe it was my fault"

No it wasnt, they were a knob & thats why you left.

FoldyRoll I am at the point of abandoning all hope of a "normal" relationship. I find that I am a bit overwhelmed if anyone does me any kindnesses even reaching something off a supermarket shelf. I am so un used to being treated kindly!
On the other side of the coin there are in laws and other types of non direct family and despite all the gruesome tales of steps and in laws sometimes they are good people even when family of the first blood are not.
I take your point of it being an "impossible dream"