Marry or leave?

[Rapunzelsmum]

2 DCs, found myself pregnant 7 years ago with DP after 6 short months together. Jointly owned property.
Pensions are left to each other.
Joint accounts.
Joint life insurance

I understand I am still vulnerable should anything happen to DP. I work part-time since the DCs.

We are not getting along. Talk of separation. Romantically, I dont want to marry him. But do we need to marry to ensure I'm treated fairly on separation from a legal standpoint? I would like to get my ducks in a row before we separate; it is therefore a year or two away should it happen.

DPs reluctance to marry is partly the cause of me wanting to separate. He is also reluctant to create a Will together as he says we have covered all bases should anything happen to either of us. I hear this is not the case. DP is stubborn.

I hear this is not the case.

Who did you hear this from?

Primarily, MNers on other threads.

We are not getting along.

Romantically, I dont want to marry him.

Then don't. I wouldn't marry purely for protection. Love comes first for me.

Unless of course we're talking about a multi millionaire.

Well I can’t imagine he’ll want to marry you if the only reason you’re doing it is to secure more of the proceeds of the relationship on separation!

And if you con him along just so you can marry (and then divorce pretty quickly after) then what sort of person would you be?

Primarily, MNers on other threads.

Don’t believe everything you read at face value. Have you actually done any research into cohabiting relationships vs marriage and the legal implications of both? MM is very biased toward marriage!

While I agree Mnetters are biased towards marriage it is correct that you do need a will but then ALL parents whether married or not need to make a will if only to stipulate who looks after your children if something were to happen to both of you.

Your rights without marriage upon divorce or his death are not as strong as of you were married but if a relationship is failing I don't believe you should get married. You should go into marriage wanting and believing it is for life, in good times and bad.

What rubbish from other posters
Of course you are still vulnerable - everything other than the property can be transferred from your benefit to someone else’s at his sole doing and without your knowledge.
Even the property - he can divest his share without your knowledge or consent.

However - you can’t marry him just to divorce him.

It sounds as though his reluctance to marry you was bevause he wasn’t sure about you.

I'm sure most posters even here would disapprove of a woman convincing her reluctant partner to marry her just so she can promptly divorce him.

I wouldn't want to legally tie myself to a man I intended to leave. Plus divorce does cost money - not a huge amount but enough to make it a consideration.

Could you instead start looking into getting a better paid job or taking on more hours, so you can live independently if you do end up splitting? If he doesn't want to create a will and is stubborn, you will likely find he'll try to screw you over anyway. Marriage gives security, but it's not a failsafe guarantee - you only have to read the divorce threads to see that.

I am currently going through mediation with my husband (soon to be ex). The mediator commented on how rules are different for unmarried couples and unmarried women/people have less legal protection than married.

Yes unmarried people have less legal protection. However marriages are catagorized by their length in divorce proceedings to address such things as marrying for money. I.e short marriage you are less likely to get anything more. So if you did marry him i'd suggest you consider how long you would need to stay with him to make it worth your while.
Having said that I think getting your ducks in a row before leaving someone should be about ensuring you can stand on your own once their gone rather than ensuring you can get the most financially out of a seperation.

Have you seen what you wrote? You want to marry him so you can divorce him...no wonder he doesn't want to. What person in their right mind would agree to such a thing? His responsibility ends with the children..he has no obligation to look after you post split. If you think that's unfair then you should have addressed it before having children.

If you are considering separation then it’s probably best to resolve this before you decide to marry. Although it would be a joint decision so I’m not sure if it is any option. I think it is impossible to advise you because you have convoluted two situations, separation because you no longer love each other as opposed to whether you should have got married and now should. I would advise you to sort out what you want and can achieve from the relationship. Then take things from there. You can’t change the past and you won’t make somebody who doesn’t want to get married, get married.

Financially it’s impossible to know how better off you would have been or would be if you had or do get married. It’s most probable you would get a bigger share of the equity if you were married and over time if you did get married this would be case. But if there isn’t a lot of equity then the difference between 50% and 60% - 70% might not be worth marrying somebody you don’t like or love. Divorce can cost a lot financially and emotionally.

I would say one thing, not wanting to get married at all or to a specific person is not a sign of your love for them. I love my OH dearly but marriage is not a good option for us both. All the protections work against how we want our wealth to be distributed, i.e. we have other dependents and responsibilities . So the legalities needed to sort that out are fairly complicated and make it not just a trip to the register office. If my circumstances were different or his were different it might change that. Please don’t assume that his reasons for not marrying are a reflection of love or commitment. Married people do not have a monopoly on love and there is plenty of evidence that some of them don’t love each other at all and are stuck together because of the implications of a divorce.

The two big differences in terms of financial
security in marriage AFAIK are inheritence tax (have known someone in London lose their house after husbands sudden death), and widows pension rights, depending on the pension type/policy.
Maintenance post divorce would depend on many factors but a short marriage wouldn’t generally hold sway here I don’t think.