Marriage

[Rumplestiltskinswife]

Inspired by another thread but not a TAAT....

My DP doesn't want to marry me, we have 2DC, I am a SAHP.

I have been inspired by another thread to finally have the balls to have the conversation with my DP. However, he's recently lost his job and things are very much up in the air at the moment.

The points I would like to raise would be that I don't feel particularly secure in a future proofing sense if the worst were to happen being unmarried (although our house is jointly owned) I'm not happy with DC having a different surname to me and it makes me feel a bit 'not quite good enough' to bear his children yet not good enough to be his wife.

For context, I found myself pregnant unexpectedly at 25 with DC1 and probably too vulnerable and not assertive enough to have an open conversation about these issues at that stage. My own parents had recently separated and I think I felt I had no reference point for healthy relationship at this point and also nobody to confide in but 5 years on I feel emboldened.

Is it mean to bring this subject up at this point where there are lots of other pressures re work and money? and is in unreasonable to explain that the way I see things moving forward is either to change DC's surname to incorporate mine and make a joint will, get married (nothing fancy) or go our separate ways? I feel as though I'm offering an ultimatum with these options and that I would be unreasonable in doing so.

Well if he wants you to be at home because it makes his life easier, that's absolutely fine, but he needs to know that paying for that requires more than taking care of the bills. If he isn't prepared to do what is necessary for you to be able to continue as a SAHP, then you'll be going back to work. Simple as.

Paul - thank you. I have been feeling this increasing desire to be at work (beyond money) for a while and I think your contributions and this thread in general has given me ways to articulate how I feel about things. I'm often not great at expressing myself succinctly when I feel strongly about something.

Good, glad it has assisted. If you want to go back to work, do it, regardless of his views and how the relationship goes. Best of luck finding something suitable.

You should go back to work regardless.

That’s the best financial security for you and your dcs.

Namechanging and marriage are totally different things. Don’t co flare them.

So I add 'by the way, I'm going back to work' in to the discussion.

I don't have the best way with words when I feel emotional about something so just to clarify, I take on board that:

Suggesting getting married once work situation is sorted is sensible.

Reflecting about how he would feel in ICE situations and IHT issue and asking if he had ever considered these aspects.

If the answer is still 'I don't want to get married:'

Do I push for further explanation or is it none of my business? I feel I am owed this but perhaps I'm entitled and needy.

What do I suggest to put in place in lieu of marriage (on top of going back to work for financial security?)

Owed an explanation is probably the wrong choice of words. I would like him to open up to me as him not doing so is making me feel inadequate.

Have the conversation now. This is serious and causing you stress.

Fabric - thanks. Sometimes easy to dismiss what you feel is important to you because it's not urgent/busy family life with small children etc. An important reminder. Thank you.

I agree, you need to have a proper grown up discussion about your desire to get married.
There will be no right/good time to have this discussion.
You've raised this on a forum because you want answers, you need to raise it with him.

I also think you should work more hours and restart your career, especially as you want this, life is long and children are only a part of that life.

Financially you/your children will be protected against IHT if one of you die within a marriage.

Going off on a tangent here. The words of the partner of the 29 year old mother of 3, who died recently during an operation for bum enhancement in Turkey, really struck me:
'I know I'm moody and did her head in sometimes but I wouldn't be where I am today without her
'Leah wanted to get married and we def would of in next few years but instead I'm gonna have to plan a funeral.'
He knew that she wanted to get married, had 3 children with her, but the wedding dangled far in the future. I'm not judging him at all. I don't know their reasons for delaying a wedding. But I wonder if the 'I'm not good enough' to be his wife feeling, which we see on these threads, affected her self-esteem or confidence?

Sorry to link to a daily fail article
www.google.co.uk/amp/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6108479/amp/British-mother-three-29-dies-3-000-bum-lift-Turkish-cosmetic-surgery-clinic.html

Diana - god that's so sad.

Reflecting on things overnight, he has repeatedly said that there's no necessity to get married as we already have two children and live/own a house together so part of me thinks that he feels he's shown enough commitment to me, and that he's just being naïve/burying his head in the sand about the legal and financial implications of not being married.

You need to spell those implications out to him then.

Don't sit around being passive and waiting for him to make all the decisions that will affect your joint future. And don't forget, even if the salary you can earn now doesn't make a huge difference to your lives, it is your foot back on the career ladder and WILL make a big difference to your future.

Maybe make a list of all the legal and financial implications and have it written down to refer to when you have the discussion.

Yes I would raise it now but as thoughtfully and openly as you have written here. Not at all defensive or critical and suggest that you come back to it in a few days when he's had a chance to think about what might be new ideas.

Hair - yes that's a good idea to maybe ask him to reflect on it and come back to it.

And yes I'm compiling a list of points because I will likely go blank and not get put what I'm trying to say!

It'd be interesting to hear how he's defining unnecessary.

Yes I'm keen to hear that. My interpretation of it is that he means in terms of fulfilling our commitment to one another.

It's interesting that your commitment to the family is potentially having an impact on your future earning potential while his isn't. Do you think he fully appreciates this?

I don't think so no. When it came time to decide about going back to work after DC 1 he was open to it if I felt it was something I wanted to do and would've supported it but for various reasons it just wasn't suitable for our situation at the time. Now we have 2DC and I don't been looking at full time jobs his comments on it are very much 'I don't know how you would manage it alongside the children and house etc' and in general he just doesn't seem keen on it (although he's very happy to take half my wages from me for my evening jobs and would be glad of the extra money) but I digress, that's another thread!

Hi Rumple, I would approach this whole discussion from the perspective of 'this is important to me'.

You do not need to justify yourself but marriage is important to you, so why should you settle. I also believe we enable people to treat in a certain way and it is time to claim your power back. That link supplied by Diana really hit home!

Good luck and remember to put yourself and your children first! I am an ex-financial adviser and do not have a lot of respect for men who have children and then chose not to marry their partners. It is not just about their freedom but the security of their children and their partner.

Nubian - thanks that is interesting to hear!

have you done the talk Rumple?