Neediness . Any tips on being less so !

[Tinkerbellx]

So in short initially dp was most definitely the more needy partner initially .
I was constantly being showered with affection and daily almost OTT reminders of how much he loved me ect .
18 months almost 2 years later I've fallen for him big time .
We've settled into a trusting solid relationship . He's less needy probably because he knows we're solid and the initial courtship has worn off . We've met each other's family and friends .
We trust each other .
We have some difficulties , mostly being 30 miles apart , both have demanding careers and his family are miles away and have ageing and health problems . However we're doing our best to face these together and finding ways to be together at least weekends and one night mid week even if it's with his folks so we can help out .
All of a sudden I've become the needy one .
It sounds daft but it literally happened when I looked at him one day and realised I want to be with him forever .
I've hidden it until recently ( the neediness ) but Ive even shocked myself .
After a 25 year marriage and 3 years single I always said I never wanted to marry ect again and was really quite independent . Now suddenly
I need constant reassurance that he still loves me ect all he time and it's frightened me how needy I feel .
It's pathetic and childish I know and I have no cause to question our relationship so it's really unsettling me .
He is suffering with depression so a little less forth coming than usual but he's the kindest most loving trust worthy man I've ever met .
I really want to let go of this neediness and would appreciate any tips or advice or book recommendations.
I think I know deep down i need to focus back on myself and my own hobbies / friends instead of over thinking about him and us all day .
I've almost got that if he's not with me at a function or when out I can't go alone I feel like part of me is missing . It's like being 16 again and I'm 47 fgs !!
What happened to me ?
Maybe I just need more sleep !
X

Honestly OP I'd suggest a therapist.

His behavior hasn't changed but yours has.
that said, can you honestly say that you dont want him to marry you in 5 years?

It sounds like you were love-bombed and manipulated and once he had you hooked, he took a step back.

You're right, you do need to go back and focus on yourself so if/when the relationships ends, you're not in the fetal position begging him back at any cost.

Thanks for your reply notthefordtype .
I could get some therapy yes if it will help .
As for marriage ... I'd love to marry him yes . Just didn't expect to ever want that .

Sorry I re-read my initial post and it was a bit harsh

I agree that the start sounds like love bombing.

I've googled love bombing and he's consistent with his affection so I dont think it's that . Any inconstancy or withdrawal has purely been understandably reactive when he's received such bad news re his dm and then his dog recently .
He's booked a holiday together for next summer and we're going abroad Dec and Jan too so I have no reason to actually be insecure which is the odd thing .
It's like I realised I really really love this guy and it's made me wobble .
This is my issue and I've no idea why I've become so needy recently .
Maybe I'm just overtired from lack of sleep and work stress and it's pretty draining watching him so terribly sad about his dm and dog it's gone on for so many weeks.

I will access some counselling tho.
I'm now remembering a couple of times he's cared for me when i needed him and feel a bit silly .
I need to stop over thinking and just be there for him during his tough time without asking for anything or causing him more stress !

It could be peri-menopause related. Lots of women get suddenly over emotional and over-invested (for me it was in DC. I suddenly couldn't bear that they were growing up) and lots also get sudden onset of social anxietym which could explain you not enjoying events without him at your side.

I think you are 100% right that you need to focus on your own hobbies and life again. Do something new, something challenging, that you've always wanted to do. But alos, if he;s depressed and caring for elderly relatives, can you and he plan something together, in the near future which is for the two of you to enjoy and look forward to - a holiday or sports training together - something you can do together that takes some of the stress out of everyday life.

I used to keep a list in a note on my phone which helped - a list of nice comments and moments that I’d refer to when I was feeling needy. It helped.

It was called ‘reminders’ and be little things, but it calmed my lizard brain down

Purple what a good idea thank you .

Thanks Minapaws
I've just had the loveliest FaceTime with him and still no idea why I'm suddenly so needy .
A joint hobby might be nice like a pottery class or gym or something yes .

I think you're in love, not needy. Enjoy it :)

I don't think there's anything wrong with you per say. Its likely just childhood/past relationship trauma and fear of abandonment coming out. It'll be okay. Get some therapy if you want to. Think about events in the past that hurt you a lot and work out whether you've mourned them yet or if you need to do some more healing work. I think it's a great sign that the relationship is the real deal. It is scaring you that it is the real deal and making you afraid. That's something I've been through. It sounds like you've found yourself a lovely man

That lovely FaceTime can be the first thing on your list

I think you should think about why the neediness. I know you've explained but sometimes there's something else underneath it all. Even when things feel a little irrational there's generally reasons behind it. I was in a similar situation until I realised I was so tired and wasn't allowing enough time for friends and what I needed.

Is there any reason you're not living together yet? I only ask because perhaps you're feeling needy because you haven't progressed to the next "stage" of the relationship. Subconsciously do you want to be living together as opposed to only seeing each other twice a week?

I'm just wondering whether the "neediness" stems from the fact that you want some progression and he hasn't shown the same desires?

Adeline yes we've talked about living together at some point .
He's only just bought out his ex about 2 months ago .
I completed in Nov so a bit before him .
With jobs and schools it will be a massive leap probably more for him as he's never had children .
Also the demographics with houses and jobs and schools will mean upheaval for someone . He said he's happy to be the one as dc don't need to move schools .

I've wanted it to be mostly us initially so we have a good courtship to look back on and we've had that and it's been fabulous . Long holidays and numerous weekends away and just us . We've certainly had some great times getting to know each other .
Now I've said I'm ready for more involvement with the dc and he's been good with that but it's only recently we had the conversation and with his dm poorly now every other weekend when I don't have dc we drive to his folks and when I do have the dc he goes alone . Hopefully his folks will become more independent and if not God knows .
It wouldn't be appropriate to take the dc with us yet as I'm still getting to know his folks myself although that's happened quickly with me coming for entire weekends after the stroke .
On the flip side they have the room and love children but it would seem a bit odd when my partners still getting to know them himself . Maybe after Christmas .

He seems totally okay with the next step of us doing lots more as a family including sleep overs . Weve done it a little and it's been good .
I think he's more set in his ways than I realised . 43 . Never married but two LTR and no children . It's expected and we joke about it .
I guess deep down I would like him to be a bit more eager but at the end of the day he's doing exactly what I asked him too . Taking it slowly with the dc .
Maybe your right ..... he's been a bit removed recently but he's very close to his family and his dm wasn't expected to survive and now on top of that he's having to make an imminent decision re his best friend ( dog ) so it's no wonder he's not gushing to look at houses !

Perfectly normal I hope and I'm being perfectly ridiculous .
Thanks for the lovely message last night re ' I think your just in love '
I went to sleep a lot happier .
Will def start a list in my notes with the first one being the FaceTime !

In the meantime will make an effort to feel less needy and get some sleep .

43 . Never married but two LTR and no children

Was it his decision not to marry and not to have children then?
Has he decided that he doesn't ever want children?
Why did his relationships break down?

Do you think he has commitment issues?

No not at all .
1st LTR she didn't want to marry and he did and after 13 years they separated .
2nd LTR they were engaged but she had an affair .
He can't have children and has known since childhood and genuinely doesn't want to have a family now .
It's just not something he feels he wants but he's very happy being part of my family and is slowly getting to know my dc .
He's knows what he's letting himself in for as I keep throwing the lot at him !

He told me from the outset that he wanted marriage eventually and I did not which worried him .
He knows I do now though I think because my dd keeps telling him !