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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nightmares about guy who groomed me

4 replies

heatseeker14 · 08/09/2018 19:11

Hi, I really need somewhere to vent.
I was groomed when I was 14 by a man who lived with my mum and stepdad. He was careful not to have full blown sex with me until after I was 16, but we did other stuff sexually. It started when he used to come to collect me from my dad’s house with my mum and then started joining in on our phone calls. He soon started to call me when I was at home alone. He arranged to meet me after I turned 15 and kissed me in his car. This because a regular occurrence and progressed to other stuff. I enjoyed the attention at the time.
My parents were too busy caught up fighting each other to notice. My mum suffers with bipolar, so some of the time she would have been out of it.
The most hurtful thing she did was to give him my mobile number years later just after I had split from my first husband. She did this because the guy told her that he was still in love with me. My mum and I have had a strained relationship. We are currently going through a rocky patch, and over the last few weeks I have had horrible dreams about this man.
I feel dirty and ashamed about what I did. I wish I had been stronger. He wasn’t even attractive, so I have no idea why I let him do that kind of stuff to me.
I’m not sure what I think this will achieve really...

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 08/09/2018 19:55

It wasn't your fault. This was done to you. He groomed you. He knew what he was doing and took complete advantage of a vulnerable child. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you can get some help, counselling maybe? And that the bad dreams stop.

heatseeker14 · 09/09/2018 09:43

Thank you for your reply.
I think it is linked to the fall out with my mum. We aren’t exactly on great terms at the moment. We met at a family function yesterday. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and stroked my hair, and I just wanted to punch her! Not a good thought to have!
I’m just about comfortable with phone contact with her at the moment. Perhaps in a few months this will change. I did think about going NC.
I feel sorry that she had a crap childhood, but I don’t feel a bond with her.
I wish the clock could be turned back and those close to me would have taken notice to what was going on all those years ago.
I probably should have counselling for lots of stuff really, but I don’t like the idea of opening up to a stranger. Even though I’m doing it on here!!

OP posts:
Dieu · 09/09/2018 10:07

The fact that your mum gave him your number just shows what a different planet she's inhabiting. No parent with a protective instinct towards their child would do this. She has failed you, then and now. Your anger is completely natural and normal.

I am so sorry, and would absolutely urge you to seek counselling, with a therapist who specialises in childhood abuse.

Flowers
chasinggarlic · 09/09/2018 10:09

Her job was to protect you and she let you down. The mere fact she wants to initiate contact between you and this person just shows she wants to continue to minimise it in her mind. Ease her conscience.

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