I'm petrified .. parenthood, being single..

[Mummy2bebe]

Hi!

I'm going to try and summarise.. just throw my fears out there.
Firstly I'm 26 and I'm 10 wks pregnant. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 18 and I never thought I'd see the day where I just became pregnant.

A lot has happened this year and I'm not petrified because none of my life is "ready" for a child. Although this really isn't an opt for me.. I never thought I'd be able to just have a child. (Lots of unprotected sex (I know, silly me) in the last 8yrs & this is the first time I've ever been pregnant).

Sooo.. firstly, I'm not in a relationship. I know the babies Father loves me.. a lot, I've known him for 5yrs and there has always been chemistry between us. He has proved his love for me time and time again. Last year I came back from Aus and after realising just how much I missed and loved him decided to open up to him. We hit it off pretty quickly and it's been non-stop since.

PROBLEM - he has a child already and the Mum wants him to get back with her. Suddenly he is weighing up what he wants. He is allowed to do this ofc as there are kids involved. But I've given up all hope that there will ever be anything between us... I mean, I know it's hard for him (he really loves his son) but for it to have now put a huge question mark between us, was anything ever real?

Anyway, that's not the problem.. the problem is I don't see me being ok if he does get back w her, letting him into my life just for the sake of my child will be so hard... cause I'll never want to see him again. I know I will have to, I know what it's like growing up without a Father and that's not what I want for my child.

I'm also about to get my first house, alone.. in 4 weeks and it's petrified me as to how I'm going to pay the mortgage when I'm on Maternity Leave. AND how on earth my managers are going to take it. I feel like they've already coped with a heap of shit from me in the past year and this feels like a final straw. (Not that it's any of their business to judge me I'm fully aware).

There is a lot more I could say, in so many aspects of my life right now. But I guess this gets a bit off of my chest.

From a very headachy, sicky, dizzy, traumatised, not-having-a-fun-pregnancy-at-all, scared out of her whit woman.

Congratulations on your pregnancy it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

From a practical point of view, get saving. Find out what benefits you may be able to claim. Find it how much child maintenance you can claim from the dad.

Your managers have no right to judge you or take the shine off this for you.

Re the dad. Prepare mentally for the worst. Anything else is a bonus. To be honest, I think I'd jack it I'm with him if he's swaying at this point. You need to know exactly where you stand and to know you can cope alone if need be.

@cantstandmenow ... thanks! Yes.. I've realise I will have to save every single penny until the baby comes! It's just so scary now to have this extra responsibility when it wasn't my "plan".

V true reg the managers.

I will certainly look into things, thanks.

Exactly how I feel - got to expect the worse, it's just so hard. He wants to be there 100% through pregnancy and me having the child but I already can't bare the thought if it's not "with" him.

I have had more than my fair share of crappy relationships (especially where I didn't value my worth) and the one thing I have learnt is that the man for me was the one who wasn't crappy and who made me their priority. A man who wants you, will want you and only you, no question.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Agree that from a practical point of view, get saving and working out what you're entitled to.

Exactly what I said to him. He didn't see it that way as his little boy is involved.

Thank you!!! Will do :)

congratulations on your pregnancy. hope all goes well.

You never have to see him again if you don't want to, other than registering the birth. contact can be done via a third party, a relative maybe?

is he expecting you to do the pick me dance here?

And maintenance aside, he'll start doing his bit financially now, if he has any intention of being a decent dad. If not, then you're seeing his true colours already.

@troodiedoo thank you .. I am hoping so too!

Very true, I guess it can definitely be done through people, which is certainly what will happen.

I think he is! Which he knows is not my kinda thing in any way shape or form. I'm very much letting her do the pick-me-dance. As a hormonal state it's even more far from my character than could be imagined. Just at a loss but at least I know there are strong people out there that have had to do just the same.

@cantstandmenow I'm pretty sure he would pay / try without me ever having to ask.. only time will tell eh.

I agree with prev posters, don't do the 'pick me' dance. He said he really loves his son but surely he will love his new son/daughter just as much. So, he's worried he wont see his son if he leaves his mother? What about being worried he wont see your son/daughter if he doesn't stay with you?
You say he loves you and has proved this time and again. How exactly may I ask? Not being rude here, just curious.
Sorry no help at all. I really admire you tho for still being prepared to go ahead with the house buying. You know it wont be easy but go on an 'entitled to' web site and you might be pleasantly surprised at the financial support on offer.

His motivations are odd...how is it better to be with one mother of his kids than another !. Both you and ex are mother's or will be to his kids. I'd say he's not that into you (sorry).
Cut your losses and you can manage, it will be hard but you will be fine!

@TooOldForThis67 it’s certainly not something I intend on doing. I guess my priorities have entirely changed now that I’ve found I’m pregnant. It’s like a whole world has opened up that wasn’t there before and I know I’ll care more about the baby than ever begging to be with a Father 😂

Well, I think he is worried about that too. It’s almost like he’s become entirely 50/50 I suppose it’s a very 50/50msituation where all of a sudden he’s picking between family he already has and a family that he could have. Trust me I find it extremely bizarre to let go of one person but then to really weigh in your options. I guess they have a lot of ties and comforts together, a car, material items, the comfort of what was their family before. Yet, I know that us women can be somewhat more black and white, it’s a yay or nay right?! Men are bizarre in that they can run back and forth sometimes? It’s gross and I shan’t stand for it - it’s just made me extremely fearful.. the realisation of doing it alone. I’ll certainly expect the worse.

Don’t worry.. ask away, I came on here to share.

He’s proved it over the last 5 yrs of knowing him as he has always dropped so much for me.. he will always help me with my car / moving / take me out if I’m low.. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but even his ex rang me one day to say how “it’s always been you, he’s give anything for you” yet now he has come to this crossroads. He says he wants to grow up before he makes decisions and that if he were with me he would want to be 100% - that he doesn’t want to just jump in without knowing it’s for good. Etc. But being the hormonal state I am I have absolutely no empathy anymore.

Of course.. I’ve never had a home as such and it’s been my aim to save and buy a house for the past couple of years so I have to find a way to make it work.. it’s scary but I know I’ll do it. Perhaps even rent out a room to a friend if money gets tight.. who knows.

Thanks for your responses ... it actually means the world right now.

You can do this.

I had DC1 on my own. Many, many of us do. We are still standing.

I understand how scary it is. But It will be ok.

Good luck OP and please start taking better care of your health and self worth and stop with the (lots of silly me) unprotected sex.

You sound like you'll be just fine. Lots of people do it!

You have the right attitude and you are obviously strong. You'll have the child you thought you might never have and that's priceless. I don't know if I can honestly say that I hope your man comes back to you but he sounds kinda sensible in that it has to be for 100% the right reasons. I suspect when the baby is born, it will really tear him apart. But to be fair to him, I guess he never thought he'd be in this situation, as you didn't.
I'm going to be a single mum soon and it's scary (separated and waiting for him to finally leave). There is no guarantee that life is going to be a bed of roses. Stay strong and keep posting. x

Thank you everyone.

It’s definitely something that a lot of people do.. including my own Mum. It’s just not something we plan on I guess which makes it even more boggling when it becomes your reality. But it’s fair to say every single Mum I’ve ever known is awesome.. so will I/we be ☺️

I think it scares me more as I haven’t told my family yet and they’re quite conservative in their views.., but they will have to get over it. Like I say they’ve already had my Mum do it so at least I’m not the first.

Thanks again for your support ❤️