Why am I jealous of exH?

[Blobby10]

We had an amicable separation (3 years ago) and divorce completed 2 years ago. 3 children (now 22 20 and 18) who live with me when not at uni/work in 4 bed house that Ex kind of forced me to buy and said he would pay extra to fund this bigger house rather than one I could afford on my own salary.

Terms of Financial agreement was that he would pay value of mortgage every month and I would pay all other costs for kids. Hi suggestion and Agreement has another 18 months to run

Last week he phoned and said he wanted to pay the rest of the money in a lump sum as he wants to get a mortgage to move in with current girlfriend. I wrote a bit of a snotty email saying I agreed in principle with breaking agreement but pointed out that he had assumed i would be able physically and financially (and willing) to maintain a 4 bed home for the kids to come back to.

Then it hit me - I'm jealous! Why am I jealous? He and I were over many years ago - I dont want him back. No DV or drinking or anything , we just grew too far apart after 18 years to get back together.. I have someone else in my life who makes me very happy. What ex is proposing is fair and logical so WHY OH WHY am I jealous?

Has anyone else had this? I know I'm being a bitch but at the same time want to rant and scream and make everything really difficult for him. WHY??

L O V E, it will always be there even a tiny bit you have kids together....

Maybe his financial support has been emotionally supportive also, now he is bowing out you feel like you relationship has dropped to an even lesser level? Maybe a slight panic the dc are down to you now too!
Adults or not, still your dc to worry about!!

Let him pay it off, then downsize. Get yourself somewhere that you’ve chosen. Maybe it’s because you’ve felt that you’ve had to make compromises while to ensure the kids have a house. They are adults now though and don’t need the luxury of your constant attention/parenting/housing. Start thinking about where you’ve always wanted to live and go for it

Definitely food for thought there - in my opinion he has definitely had the easier life post divorce. Able to come and go as he pleased in his flat (which was a really nice one!) whilst I was always fitting round the kids and dogs and cat. I do believe the kids need a home base still which shouldn't be infiltrated by a new partner but now not sure the kids feel the same judging by eldest sons comments this weekend.

Yes he has provided very well financially and says he will pay half the university costs in the future- accommodation, monthly allowance etc. but I will be the one to pay when the kids are home - the increase in electricity and gas bills when they leave every light on and turn the heating up to tropical . This is what grates I think. Plus the fact that he has had 3 overseas holiday this year alone plus numerous weekends away which I just can't afford.

I think there's always that thought of "this isn't how things were supposed to be" and that causes lots of conflicting feelings. It also hurts that they move on even though you have someone else and don't want to be with your ex anymore.
Sometimes I think I'm jealous of my ex because he seems to have so much more money than me and then I think about it properly and realise how much better off I am. He might have a brand new luxury car, several holidays a year, not have rent or bills to pay because he's cocklodging with his partner BUT doesn't see the children every day, he misses out on their day to day life and all the joys they bring. He's missed our eldest's first day at high school and hasn't seen her in her new uniform yet. He misses sports days and musical events and all sorts of things. His choice there and all the sadder for it. He looks like shit, his relationship is unstable according to the kids as constantly arguing and threatening to split up, he's got several step kids and extra of his own and I think he regrets his choices but is trapped. I've got the children 26 days out of each month and go to all events of theirs at school, a house in a nice area, but he's cocklodging in one of the shittest areas of a big city and has no home security. So I actually pity him rather than feel jealous because he's lost so much and although he has more money, he's so much poorer.
So maybe re-examine those feelings because they might not be jealousy at all but rather a mixture of disappointment, regret, disillusionment, and pity

Are you working';

perverse Thankyou! I know I’m the lucky one as the kids come home to me and I wouldn’t be without those hello hugs for anything x Maybe it’s a man thing but my ex doesn’t seem bothered - his loss!!

notthefordtype yes I do work full time as I have done since my youngest finished primary school - before that I was lucky enough to be able to work school hours so I do have my own funds coming in. Just not as much as him 😊😊

I wonder if, like me, you feel - if not jealous of the new gf - you are jealous of his new life? I don’t want HIM but I feel a resentment that he is looking forward to an exciting, joint new future with someone else. You do not mention if you have a new partner - I don’t. It’s like with every step he makes to a new life, I feel more inclined to remain the housekeeper of the life-that-should-have-been. Does it feel the same for you?

Hi Twenty yes it is a bit like that - I do have someone very special in my life but whatever we do, I always have to make sure there's someone around to feed the cat, or that the kids aren't doing something I need to support. Ex seems to put them second to his new life and whilst I could never be like that, and my boyfriend/partner/other half (we haven't worked out what to call each other yet!!) is fine with it,it does feel restrictive sometimes. It also means that if I want to spend the morning in bed with my boyfriend, doing whatever you do when you aren't getting up to go to work we have to go to his place as there is always one or more of my offspring home at the weekend (and my house is nicer )

Thank you to everyone who has responded - I must admit I was expecting to be flamed and told to stop being so selfish and move on. Its very comforting to know that others are feeling the same

the increase in electricity and gas bills when they leave every light on and turn the heating up to tropical

For your, and your "DC" sake ( let's face it they are now adults and not children), you could do with a general conversation with them that the financial arrangements with their DF are coming to an end, and that you need their support to ensure they help save on bills, think more carefully about what things cost, because you're all moving into a different phase in life and that involves thinking like adults not children.

This isn't about criticising their DF to them, it is giving them a reality check.

I get you, im divorced with a new house and my 3dc and im happy for the first time in a long time. I am jealous of the ex though. He gets to swan around working then going for a drink or the gym or the cinema after work, lovely holidays, he gets the single carefree life with only having to be a parent every other weekend. Everything i do has to fit in and around dc, im constantly juggling and a lovely holiday is a distant hope which will, in reality, never happen. He pays above cms maintenance so its not the money aspect, its the mental and physical load that i have that is no longer shared. My dc are my priority and although i wouldnt change a thing i see a glimpse of my previous life without dc and thats what makes me jealous. To him as long as he still financially provides for them everything else is down to me, thats not effective co-parenting.

phililipa thats exactly it!!

I get it too op. I threw xh out after discovering his affair but very hard to see him living his new life with ow. They are high earners and have a fabulous lifestyle, and are in the process of buying the sort of dream house that he and I used to plan to buy. They are child free and have dozens of weekends away, foreign breaks every month, long haul holidays several times a year.

It feels like they're living the life that xh and I used to have, and doing all of the things we planned to do while my life has not moved on at all. I am living the same life I was when he left, same job, same house, no time to date, hell im even sitting here in the same clothes.

So I think it's normal op, and you're not alone, but I can't help with what to do about it, I wish I could.

Use the jealous feelings you have to work out what you want in your life.

It could be you are at the "almost empty nest" stage but not quite there which ime is the most difficult stage as you are not as needed by dc but not yet free.It is very much a halfway house where as your Ex is on the next stage..planned by him because he feels able to be more self centred. However your approach will be rewarded by the dc and that is worth so much more.

In a few years that will change however so focus on that.

Have to say it is good to hear of an ex who wanted to ensure dc had a home..mine would have been happy with me and dc living in a shoebox.

I was paying my mum rent once out of full time education. This is something to think about for your eldest two if you can't downsize.