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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband refusing to let us separate

38 replies

sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 15:51

He won't consider it, says he finds it unbearable and could never agree to it. I said I want to spend Sat with the kids by myself (he can have them sunday) as I just can't stand being with him, I find it really distressing. He says I have to spend saturday with him as its important for us to be a family.
He says he loves me and would do anything for me. This is demonstrably not true. He puts himself before me and everyone in his life, even the kids.
I have repeatedly told him our marriage is over and that I actively despise him. I have told him that I find it psychologically and emotionally tortuous to be with him,. I have told him that he is treating me like his belonging, and that he regards me as having no agency of my own or even seeing me as a person in my own right. I have told him that it is abusively controlling to try to keep me living with him and spending time with him when this is deeply distressing to me..
He is emotionally abusive and always has a reason to disregard everything I say (I am not devastated apparently, I am just angry. I am only unhappy as I am a pessimist. I only want to spend Saturday with the kids as I am spiteful. My reasons for anything are just hyperbole).

I have no job so I need him to agree to a separation until I can train and get a job of my own (two years at least).
I cry everyday and would be genuinely relieved if he died. I don't think I am asking anything really. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 15:52

See a solicitor, file for divorce. He really can't stop you.

starryeyed19 · 08/09/2018 15:53

I am very very sorry that you are in this situation. My marriage had a similar flavour and it is awful feeling the joy and the energy and the life being sucked out of you. You have my deepest sympathies.

Can you leave? Go with the children to a shelter?

Lynne1Cat · 08/09/2018 15:53

This reply has been deleted

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yips · 08/09/2018 15:55

Lynne1cat alright Bridget Jones 2, no need to minimise someone's feelings. OP has clearly been worn down by this man's behaviour.

BlueUggs · 08/09/2018 15:56

Lynnecat1 - people don't have to be doing things like that to make you not love them. The fact that he is refusing to listen to her valid views is abuse in itself.

TwistedStitch · 08/09/2018 15:56

Can you file for divorce now? Then it will all be resolved more quickly even if you have to continue living together in the short term. If things have got so bad that you wish he was dead I don't really think an amicable separation whilst he waits for you to retrain is very realistic.

HappyHedgehog247 · 08/09/2018 15:57

You can leave. Women’s aid will help. You can get benefits.

SexTrainGlue · 08/09/2018 15:59

Time to start planning how you will leave him.

What are your future housing options, and is your current salary sufficient, or will you need to put up,with him a bit longer whilst you retrain/seek promotion/increase hours/find second job?

Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 15:59

Lynne, you clearly have no idea what it is like to live with a person you are absolutely nothing to. I have no existence to him outside of what I give to him. Nothing I say to him makes any impact on him. His only responses are to deny the reality of what I say, defend himself or attack me (verbally). I only exist to facilitate his life. I am utterly worthless and nothing to him. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are nothing. I am allowed no views or opinions which are different from his, not even on something such as what cupboard something should go on. Not even on life changing decisions. I am always wrong. I hate him.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 08/09/2018 16:01

Please contact women's aid and arrange to leave him. You don't need his permission. Keep posting here too.

Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 16:04

Sextrain, I have no job. I stupidly submitted to his extreme emotional manipulation and coercion and gave up my job and moved to another country to be with him. I hate myself for that too. But I see him and who he is now.
I genuinely think there is something wrong with him. He is completely unable to see other people as having any existence outside of what they give to him. His behaviour is so extreme but he can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 16:07

If I leave I will be taking my kids to live in poverty. I am also scared of how he will react. His whole thing is that he wants his kids with him (that is why I have to stay with him). He thinks he is being a good person because he is thinking of the kids, even though our terrible relationship is clearly bad for them. He wails 'Kids need fathers. Fathers are important' even though I have never said they aren't or that he can't see them.

OP posts:
HelenUrth · 08/09/2018 16:07

Lynne1cat Big into victim blaming, while showing your total ignorance of the various faces of abuse.
OP please ignore her.
Your husband sounds horrendous. The sooner you can get out the better.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 16:10

Once you see a solicitor you can declare yourself separated and claim benefits for yourself and dc.
I lived in poverty with dc when I left exh.

More manageable than staying ime.
Dc just need a dm with good mh imo.

They don't need an abusive df.

starryeyed19 · 08/09/2018 16:10

@sleeptrial Poverty would be better than this. I don't know which country you are in and whether there is any kind of social care system? Would you be entitled to any kind of benefits?

AwdBovril · 08/09/2018 16:14

Do you have any money, or access to money? Do you have your own bank account? If not, set one up ASAP & make sure he's not aware of it. Put some money in there if you can, whatever you can, whatever is yours & that he won't notice. When you leave, you can apply for benefits to be paid there & at least you'll have one less thing to deal with.

Get copies of all documents - birth certs, marriage cert, etc. Passports. Start here. If possible, see if you can get them sent to a 3rd party address, such as the post office - I'm not sure if this is possible though. Also get copy of his payslips etc if possible. Copy the payslips, email to yourself, & put them back exactly where you found them. Don't forget copy of any prescriptions, also any medication.

Put together a backpack of everything you'll need to leave. Hide it somewhere he won't find it. Don't tell the DCs. When it's ready, go.

Have you any family, or a friend, preferably locally, that you can confide in? Perhaps with a little bit of room for you to store a few bits until you've left? It could help you to get out if you think he'll try to prevent you from leaving.

Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 16:15

Did you have anyone to help you April? I have no family to help me with the kids, and I need that so that I can retrain and get a job. MY youngest is only two. How did you get back into work?

OP posts:
Musti · 08/09/2018 16:15

What country are you in? Have you sought legal advice? Are you in the UK? What jobs can you do now? Are there benefits where you are?

Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 16:23

Awd, I have my own bank account. He keeps all our documents but I know where they are. I don't really have friends here, some acquaintances but no-one close.
Staying is unbearable. But the thought of leaving is overwhelming. I keep thinking that it would be selfish, taking my kids from a 'nice' area and 'nice' schools and taking them to live in poverty somewhere. All of my options just seem so fucking rubbish. I can stay and just disintegrate completely or leave and live with guilt and shame for what I have done to my kids. But then if I stay that is shit for my kids too. They will grow up to hate me anyway. They can't see or understand how DH behaves to me. In fact, they blame me for being upset at DH.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 08/09/2018 16:23

If you aren’t living in your country of origin can you access help from your consulate? Were your children born there? Will you be looking to leave the country?

Original poster
sleeptrial · 08/09/2018 16:24

He's back. I have to go now.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 08/09/2018 16:26

They may feel like that now but when they are older they may see a different side to things. However a miserable mum and an angry dad don’t make for happy kids no matter how affluent the lifestyle is.

How long have you been trying to leave for? Does he have any understanding that you have feelings? Otherwise he would most likely be sociopathic. Does he acknowledge that the children are separate people and also have a right to their own feelings or does he view them as an extension of himself?

another20 · 08/09/2018 16:48

The “poverty” may only be temporary whist you agree maintenance and get yourself back into work.
But the “emotional poverty” your children currently endure will have life long limiting ramifications. They need a mother who can focus her finite emotional energy on nurturing them - not one who is diminished, drained, exhausted, distraught and depleted emotionally by a toxic relationship with nothing left to give them.

Don’t bother trying to understand him or negotiate with him. Decide to leave with your kids.

Make that decision today - a weight will lift, the relief will be immense.

Don’t tell him.

Research and then write a long list and do one small thing each day - it’s like inching along the diving board - one day everything will be in place and you will jump off and be free.

Get loads of advice and support from legal and woman’s aid.

Gemini69 · 08/09/2018 17:01

Christ.. is there any way OP can be helped.. I hope she contacts Woman's Aid soon... Flowers

SupplychainNpton · 08/09/2018 17:23

I felt the same with ex-DH.
He routinely raped me 'in his sleep'. He interactions with the family were based on 'keeping the kids quiet so he could sleep', refusing to financially contribute to their needs, refusing to contribute to housework at all. The list goes on.
I left him, and he insisted on 50/50 custody. He achieved this.
He's still a crap Dad - his parents taking on all practical aspects of 'care'. However, he does actually have a relationship with them at last. I do still have to arrange practical aspects of the kids' hobbies etc for the most part, and I ensure that they are happy and well looked after.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with his obnoxious shit on a daily basis. Thanks