Domestic violence now ss are involved

[Lisa334]

Needing some advice please. I was in a same sex relationship for 2 years until a month and half ago basically before i got with her me and my kids was happy and no concerns with anything i got into this relationship where things slowly turned sour and violent and i didnt realise what it was until it got to point where i sent my kids to live with thier dad because it was only way i felt kids would be safe although i know ss dont see it like that they see it as i put the relationship first no matter how i explain it my ex stopped me having contact or able to see them cos she said she hated them she also wished me and my kids dead i went a year and a half not be able to speak to them or see them which was heart breaking for me but i felt trapped inside a place i was scares to get out of because she threatened me that she will ruin my life and make it hell if i left. I finally got the courage to do something and went to police she got arrested and i left and moved closer to my kids they are aged 6 and 7 social workers are involved my kids are on a child in need plan now at there dads. Social workers are aware that im away from her and abuse and near children they said they want to do a risk assessment before i can have direct contact but they are ok for me to have phone contact at the moment. I have not yet seen social workers face to face but i am seeing them monday as they want to chat and start assessment. I have asked for supervised contact in a centre whilst they do the assessment they said no because they havent spoken to me yet i speak to my kids every day twice a day i miss them so much and i know ss have to do there job and make sure kids are safe. Ss said they have concerns about dv im really worried that they are gooing to tell me i cant see them again anyone ever veen told they cant see there children again any advice would be grateful

Advice? Do everything they tell you to. Follow it to the letter.

I assume you have no more contact with your ex-partner?

OP you got advice on your previous thread a couple of weeks ago . Just add to it and it'll appear in Active Threads again.

No i have no contact what so ever with my ex. Ive reffered my self to the freedom programme and parenting courses i am followinf what ss are saying just scared that they not gon a let me see them again.

Have you got a lawyer?

I agree, follow SS to the letter, doing the Freedom Programme is good, as is the parenting course.

But in your shoes I would also want a lawyer. To make sure due process is observed and to act for your interests when / if it goes to court.

But I am very inexperienced in these matters.

You need to work with them and do everything they say, go to the courses, attend the appointments and work on rebuilding your relationship with your kids. I would not consider any relationships either. They will let you see them but they probably want to know you care willing to put in the work and ling term commitment. Good luck, it must be really tough but you have made a start.

Sorry elspeth. Im still trying to figure out how to use this site i couldnt find my thread from previous.

OP

Even if you did move your children to your ex partners so as to keep them safe - that is still very very concerning because you didn’t feel you could leave this partner. SS will ask why? Mental health problems, learning difficulties or indeed prioritising the abidife relationship over your children.

What is the ex like as a father?

It sounds a complete mess and I’m relieved SS involved. Don’t push them away, you need them

It is really hard but im willing to do anything and everything i can. They have asked me to work with them and be honest with them they know i want to see them but i have to prove my kids are going to safe from any harm and that im not a danger to them. I have no intentions in getting into another relationship my focus is rebuilding my relationship with my kids. Im doing the phone contact as they asked

Kids dad is an amazing with them they are happy and settled. It is a mess and i know i failed my kids and i just want to make things better for my kids and be the best i can be

Can ss rufuse supervised contact whilst they do assessment?

Yes, they can. Remember they aren't trying to be fair to you, they are putting your DCs physical and emotional safety first.

If you do everything they require of you they will have no reason to prolong the procedure. You have asked for face to face contact and have been told no not yet. If you persist this could be seen as you putting your own feelings first, so maybe just accept the decision for now and work on putting yourself back together - remember they will be there to help you too!

Good luck.

Thank you curiousaboutsamphire. I see what u mean now its being worded the way u have put it. I am sticking by what they say and working with them. Ss did say they want to do things in a slow process and not rush it with kids for them not seeing me for a year and half so this is why they are allowing phone contact

I get your frustration but your impatience is very off putting. Can’t you see that what SS are doing is in the best interests of your children and wether you agree with it or not, there are still obvious question marks about your ability to prioritise your children above yourself.

Lisa - you have not seen your children in a year and a half
You ex is a great dad you say, and the children are happy and settled
You have been in an abusive relationship and took the decision to half your children over to their father rather than deal with the abuse (no judgement. This is what you have told us).

I think your children should stay where they are.

Here’s your original thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3347660-Dv-and-social-services-involved-and-advice-would-be-very-grateful

You haven't had contact with one of your children for a quarter of their lives. The apparent emotional disconnect between your actions and the impact of your actions on your children, is probably a concern to SS. Wether you like it or not, you have to prove yourself.

Two weeks waiting for a referral in the grand scheme of you not being in contact with you children for 78 weeks, is not long.

It appears you have a lot of work to do, not just with your children but with yourself too. Take this time and start rebuilding the foundations for a relationship with your children and that starts with getting in contact with yourself.

Why has the sex of your abusive Ex changed from your last thread?

Ok this is weird. Is this a troll? The original post is a relationship with a man. Here it says female. Was it a samesex relationship or not? I think you need to do everything ss tells you and get yourself extra MH help

I saw your other thread to and am confused why you have two now. I suspect you started another because you wanted different answers.

I know you are impatient to see your children but surely you can understand that you can’t just click your fingers and say ‘oh I’ve changed my mind now, I’m missing my kids after all!’ and demand to see them straight away at your own convenience!

And no matter how many threads you start the answer to that won’t change.

It doesn’t matter how impatient you are. Or in fact what your feelings are.

Your children’s feelings matter. They have to be protected.

And I’m afraid no matter how you see it, you could be a huge risk to their emotional well-being.

I’m going to be honest here, because it won’t help you to pretend otherwise.

You have to understand that you are being assessed because you may damage your children if you’re allowed back into their lives and abandon them a second time.

You can dress it up and make it sound virtuous, but honestly, you still chose your lover over your children. And continued with that choice for almost two years. Whereas this new desire of yours to see your children again is just a few weeks old. Social services are going to do some thinking and waiting before they let you loose on your kids again.

You may have ended your relationship with your children in order to ‘keep them safe’ or just because your partner (& you) didn’t want them. Even if it’s true that you were trying to protect your children, it’s still a fact that your ‘protective action’ was to give up your children and prioritise your abusive partner, rather than to end your relationship, which is what prioritising your children would have looked like.

Social services have no idea what really happened and will have heard a million sob stories before.

They will need to be satisfied that your desire to see your children comes from a healthy place of wanting to re-establish a strong mother-child bond that has been broken, and to repair the damage that has been done. Not to visit for a day or two with fine promises, and disappear when the next lover comes along.

Now, having said all that, good luck with the assessment today.

If you are genuinely wanting to become an active parental figure in your children’s lives again, then I am totally on your side. I’m your cheer leader and advocate and champion. Because children need loving, consistent parents to thrive in life.

But please don’t put your own feelings first. You may miss your children. But I can guarantee that you never hurt as much as they hurt wondering why their mummy didn’t want to be with them anymore. Don’t you dare do that to them again. My son suffers from his other parent abandoning him. And 4 yrs later, the damage is still there. And I bet his parent has loads of grand excuses. Which is why I can say... you have the chance to give your kids the love and healing so many children will never, ever get. Don’t screw it up. Please.