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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Settling? At 28?

16 replies

smartcard · 08/09/2018 11:32

I’m so unsure what to do.
Me and my partner of 3 years split up about a year ago - he has 2 children and due to a very difficult situation with their mum we split up. That’s since resolved and we’ve thought about giving it another go..... he’s the kindest loveliest guy and the perfect partner. Everybody says we are made for each other and I couldn’t fault him.. but I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore. I was seeing someone else briefly during our split and wonder if this might be why. For some reason I look to him more as a best friend or (oddly) a brother now!

Is sexual attraction more important and Might it come back after time?
I know these questions are not really ones that people can answer but I’m stuck between feeling like I would be settling and feeling like I’m losing someone wonderful that I may not find again

OP posts:
DontCallMeDaisy · 08/09/2018 11:39

It sounds like you've moved on and that is absolutely fine.

Don't confine yourself to a life with someone you don't feel attracted to. It IS important and it's one of the only aspects of a relationship you shouldn't have to work on.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2018 11:40

Don't settle and don't be with a person you're not sexually compatible with. It will not work.

Loopytiles · 08/09/2018 11:42

Him having DC with his ex- even if all is OK with his ex - is potentially a huge long term challenge for his finances, time/energy and relationships.

Unless you’re 100% into him, which you’re not, it’s not worth the hassle.

smartcard · 08/09/2018 13:16

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
FlowerpotFairyHouse · 08/09/2018 13:19

I agree. Sex isn't the be all and end all but, if you're coming to a relationship from the starting point of no sexual attraction, then you've got a friendship.

smartcard · 08/09/2018 13:22

I think you’re right Flowerpot sadly... I fancied the pants off him when we first met and it was great, seems the split has ruined what we had Sad

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 13:27

You've moved on. As soon as you get it on with another man, this original one's history.

lifebegins50 · 08/09/2018 13:38

I think in a few years you will be grateful for not setting. An Ex and no sexual attraction sounds like you would selling yourself short.
A marriage could last for 50 years so why bother if from the outset there are doubts.
I had a few doubts and really regret talking myself out of them.

28 is perfect age to meet someone new as there is a theory that it's that age you reach maturity.Good luck dating

Pluckedpencil · 08/09/2018 13:38

Let me rephrase for you. I am in my 20s. Should I get together with a man with baggage who I don't fancy? He is very kind. The answer is NO!!

smartcard · 08/09/2018 13:42

Plucked that really hit the nail on the head- thank you.
And to all the replies - very helpful and just what I needed to hear actually

OP posts:
FlowerpotFairyHouse · 08/09/2018 13:48

I fancied the pants off him when we first met and it was great, seems the split has ruined what we had

I was in a relationship with someone. After a year we split up because of some issues that seemed insurmountable - we tried being friends and I genuinely thought all sexual attraction had gone. He asked me to try again and I couldn't.

We were such close friends though. He was still my favourite person and hanging out was great. I'd not stopped loving him but I had stopped fancying him.

Then he was round at mine one evening a couple of months ago and we were watching a film and, out of nowhere, the feelings all came flooding back. It all just felt so natural and I'm back to fancying the pants off him. That's never happened before.

Would it be worth talking to him, taking it right back to square one and getting to know each other again? Without the pressure of sex?

It might be that the ship has sailed in that respect but it might be worth considering.

In my case, neither of us was really in the right headspace for a relationship before - he'd been single for 4 years, and a bit stuck in his ways, and I was enjoying being single and quietly resentful of giving it up but we couldn't not be together. I've never resumed a dead relationship before (and have quite strong feelings that you shouldn't do it!) but it feels, and is, so much better this time round.

Oh and I did have sex with someone else and developed a crush on someone else totally inappropriate. He also 'fell' for someone else in that time but we were both just dealing with our feelings for each other and the relationship ending. I don't know how far his 'thing' went and he doesn't know about mine. I think it's better that way because it doesn't really matter.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 08/09/2018 13:50

Having said that, I'm 44. You're 28. I'm not looking to live with anyone and I've had my children so maybe the others are right!

smartcard · 08/09/2018 13:55

Thanks Flower .. sounds very similar to my situation and definitely something to think about.
I’m not looking to have children any time soon, if at all, but would be nice to find someone to share life with, I’ve felt very lonely in the past few months

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 09/09/2018 11:38

Being lonely isn’t the same as wanting a relationship with him.

SuperSuperSuper · 09/09/2018 11:56

I settled for a nice guy who I didn't fancy at 28. We divorced in 2016 (aged 40+) and his self-esteem is only just recovering, with the help of a lovely woman who genuinely wants him. Don't make the same error, OP. You'll both suffer.

another20 · 09/09/2018 13:59

What were the issues that caused the split?
How were they resolved?
How did he approach the issues and how did he behave?

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