Cheating

[Qqstruggle]

Really need honest advice . Was with partner over 20years . He cheated at least 4 times that I know of .. sure more . One of the first resulted in a child . He has never apologised for cheating or seem to recognise the effects it had on me . He has also been aggressive, once grabbing me by throat . Another time poking me in head while I held our baby& other occasions. I stopped living with him Years ago but still contact cos kids & we have slept together on occasions . I have be struggling with PTSD .. dunno why I still think things may work & I may finally have a loving happy family I have craved my whole life . I would never have my kids seeing that behaviour.. hence why asked him to leave . It’s like I’m stuck & im upset I gave the best 20+ years of my life to someone that had a reputation as a rat . I have always been faithful So why did I go there . I hate myself & feel unloved & useless .. depression & anxiety is getting worse . Only thing stopping me from attempting suicide is cos I love my kids so much & I have to be there for them

Sorry you're feeling so low. Are you getting any support with your depression and PTSD?

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down :( are you still together?

I have had psychological therapy where issues from a unhappy childhood were explored. Talked about his cheating & the way he treats me but not the violence he did to me . Asking on here is me starting to try & deal with it . I plan to request therapy again & may start medication. Me & him have not had a proper conversation about being together or not .. the impression I get is that he thinks we are a couple again but I dunno .. don’t think I I could ever believe anything he says again

You really should stay away from him. While he's in your life and for a while after you will suffer from low self esteem, but it gets better once you start working on a life for yourself and your children

Yes your beautiful children need you, they need you to get help again and get strong enough to separate from him.

OP, he's violent and he's unfaithful - he can't give you the life you want ever. End things definitively with him and focus on recovery for yourself.

Thanks for the advice .. I think my self esteem had been destroyed over the years. I think this & the fact I’m scared of him has made it hard for me to tell himexactly how I feel & what I think of way he has treated me . I worry what will happen if I say something I’ve know for a long time what I need to do & it gets harder . I always worry about other people’s feelings but keep asking myself who’s worrying about mine . I’m left struggling with ptsd & a life i would never have accepted.. I know I’ve been a complete mug & a laughing stock. I continued to stay with him which means I’ve accepted his behaviour.. I would never treat someone that way so why have I accepted it for myself ? Being scared of him & what he may say or do has affected decisions I make . I became pregnant, Unplanned, six years ago & he said he didn’t want any more kids .. get rid of it he said . This absolutely crushed me cos for me personally a termination was something I would never do . He just said get rid of it like I was nothing, not someone given him 20 years . I told him I couldn’t do that & cried so much .. he just walked on by me .
Because of this I was petrified of what he may do if I went ahead with pregnancy.. I was already doing everything for 2 kids & knew it would all be on me . I was scared so I ended up having the termination even though I didn’t want to but I had become so low . I have cried nearly every day since because of what I did . I always think how old the baby/ child would be & I will never forgive myself for doing that .. I can never change that or get it back . I am still struggling & think even less of myself for allowing myself to do that .. I’m disgusting & after it he actually said why did you do that ??? Posting this is me trying to let things out & also hear what decent people think about this situation & how to deal

I haven’t spoke to anybody about this .. I’m too ashamed

OP you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is your shit of a partner who should be ashamed.
Please start loving and nurturing yourself, let go of the past, and seek some support and counselling.
Your self esteem has been ground down until you see yourself in totally negative terms. You need help to stop the self criticism and be proud of yourself as a strong survivor of a horribly abusive relationship. You are a much more worthwhile person than your foul partner.
Please talk about all this to your GP or a counsellor. There is no way they would be judgemental of you, they will support you with therapy and, if needed, antidepressants, to help you be happy and confident. And I agree with PPs that you really need to get that toxic man out of your life. Don’t waste another twenty years letting him make you miserable. You deserve to enjoy the rest of your life, OP. Sending you a big hug, and my prayers that you find the help you need. God bless.

Babdoc thank you for your support & kind words. I know I need to be talking about all this to someone as it does help & me keeping it all in is unhealthy & keeping me stuck in this situation. Hearing from others that this is not an acceptable way to be treated is what I need. I was hit a lot by my mum as a kid & she was not very loving to me. I think this affected the treatment I have accepted from others. I am waiting to see the therapist again . I know I need to be kind to myself & look after myself & am realising it’s ok for me to do that .
Thanks for all the support

I'm so sorry you went through that. And it's awful that your childhood conditioned you to accept and expect such poor treatment at the hands of the people who are supposed to love you. You deserve so much more in life.