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Relationships

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Original poster

Double messaging etiquette

22 replies

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 08:47

This is a spin-off from the other thread about man not being keen on meeting me IRL I guess as this came up, and am wondering about other's views.

I've been on both sides of this.

I've been the slightly needy person who really wants to engage someone so ends up double messaging, or having constant message sandwiches (Me-them-me) ok I just made up the phrase message sandwich but isn't it fab? when you deep down know they aren't really up for a chat but your fingers develop a life of their own and you just find yourself doing it anyway.

But, more recently I've been on the other side when the man in question double messages often, sometimes even triple and once even quadruple messaging, all within a couple of hours. People on the other thread have called this a red flag which has given me a lot to think about.

So I wondered - when is double messaging ever ok? What's the etiquette? What do you think? How do we avoid it when it makes us feel like our boundaries have been pushed, but avoid doing it too?

Interested in views ...

OP posts:

Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 08:48

P.S. does anyone else miss landlines or expensive text plans with no phones with data/wifi before this was a thing?

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/09/2018 08:51

What's a double message?
Is it when you send a second message before you get a reply to the first one?

Virtuallyconfused · 08/09/2018 08:54

I think it depends?

Sometimes you/they might know you aren't around but really want to drop you a quick comment they'll forget otherwise?

Some people like coming back to lots of messages, some don't...try and estabish s sense of what works for you both?

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 08:55

Too much messaging altogether. While you're busy messaging, your life is trickling away (not the question, I know!)

Doyoumind · 08/09/2018 08:57

I don't really have experience of OLD but I think it's about ensuring you don't get too carried away. It's easy to feel excited and push because of that thrill you get when a message arrives, but you are in danger of scaring people off.

I do think it's a red flag if you get too many messages but also if you haven't responded in the first place and you're not bothered about responding it tells you you should knock it on the head anyway.

More messages = more stress as far as I'm concerned. You're in a vulnerable position once you send a message as you are on the back foot waiting for a response.

I remember sitting waiting for the phone to ring, scared to leave the house in case the call came, back in the day so although it's different now I'm not sure it's easier.

Sunflowerr · 08/09/2018 08:59

Sounds like over thinking and game playing.

I used to think so much about leaving it the right amount of time to text back, not texting again if I hadn't had a reply. When I met my husband, all of a sudden right from the beginning none of that even crossed my mind, I felt secure straight away. We didn't mean online though.

So my advice is if these minor things are an issue at all, then move on because things like sending two texts in a row won't make a difference if they're the right person.

Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 09:02

Sun I think you're onto something there.

Doyou that's a good point about being glued to the phone, as well as more messages meaning more stress

I am so embarrassed by some of my own double-messaging in the past..

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Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 09:03

While you're busy messaging, your life is trickling away

I need to make this my mantra. Then my messaging thumb wouldn't hurt so much ...

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lowtide · 08/09/2018 09:40

Oh god. I’ve been so guilty of this.
But as someone else said, when you meet someone you really like, all this angst disappears and you don’t worry about how many times each other has messaged

Which is a depressing thought because I haven’t met anyone like that in a long time

dragonflyflew · 08/09/2018 10:07

I've done it myself when anxious and being messed around with in relationships.
I've had it done to me by friends, partners and online dating . Normally when done by partners it's been by people I was trying to ditch but I had poor boundaries and was unassertive.
I really don't like it especially from guys online. I tend not to respond to them now as I feel it's a sign of things to come.

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/09/2018 10:13

I just messaged my fiancé whenever I felt like it from day 1 and he was the same. Some days it could be loads of messages but it depended on work! Evenings we called each other and days off were spent together! We lived together after a couple of months though! But what is double messaging? Is it one after the other?

Bloodylucky · 08/09/2018 10:15

Me and my new person I’m seeing message each other back and forward all day. And reply when we can. That might mean he messages me 3 times before I reply, or vice versa.

But in the other thread isn’t it more like the person is messaging but not wanting to meet up?

AsleepAllDay · 08/09/2018 10:18

The one that says 'their name???' five minutes after they've not replied is what irks me

I have double and treble messaged at times, usually in the course of a conversation and not for attention!

Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:34

bloody it is - I guess I’m thinking about it as having it called a red flag has given me food for thought as I’ve been guilty of double messages in the past, although I’d like to think not that bad

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Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:36

asleep me too - that sounds healthy too.

I’m totally taking on board what those of you are saying about not caring about such things when meeting the right person too

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Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:37

dragon have you managed to learn how to assert those boundaries? If so how? Your story doesn’t sound so different to mine

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MrsMozart · 08/09/2018 11:43

It doesn't bother me one way or another from either side. I'll send messages as I think of something and people do the same back. Works fine.

The way my brain works I used to not understand when people didn't respond to a message. Now I've taught myself to chill and all is fine.

Original poster

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:48

I need to be more like you mrs

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MrsMozart · 08/09/2018 11:51

Purple I learnt the hard way. Life is much better on many levels now

RyderWhiteSwan · 08/09/2018 12:02

'Message sandwich' - I totally get that! it feels rude to me if I get a message and don't respond, even if it's something that doesn't actually need a response. I'll message back something like "ok" or "thanks" or "haha!" as appropriate, just to acknowledge I'm appreciative of the message sent to me.

dragonflyflew · 08/09/2018 12:11

PurpleCurtains I'm still learning but getting better, having kids has helped me to make great improvements!

twilightsaga · 08/09/2018 12:14

I think people over think this. It depends on what sense they do it. Everything is a red flag these days but it's how people interpret things and what is acceptable for them

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