Everything is going wrong

[MrsKiplin]

I'm sorry I don't know who to talk to but everything is going wrong for me. My husband turned round today and told me all the things I'm getting wrong - he feels he has to earn all the money, do all the housework, he's not getting enough sex. My boss messaged today to say my working hours have been greatly reduced. I don't know how I'm going to cope. She briefly explained why but didn't tell me in person, she just texted me and I don't know what I've done to be treated like that. I feel that nothing I do is good enough and they'd all be better off without me but I can't leave my daughter. I just want to be a better person but it's all going wrong.

MrsKiplin, that all sounds way too much to cope with for one day and I am not surprised that everything feels stacked against you right now. You are right though, your daughter absolutely needs you, and I am sure your husband does too. I hope you can sleep tonight and then have a chat with your husband tomorrow about how things could change (and perhaps there are things that you would like him to do differently too?). Then, next week, you can address the work issue. It may be nothing to do with you personally and just about funding - really remiss of your boss to tell you by text though.

"they'd all be better off without me"? Come on, you're over reacting. Men are always moaning that they don't get enough sex, and I'm sure you do your share of housework, if not more. And your boss could have handled it more sensitively but that's her problem, not yours. It's a good opportunity to look round for something better! Chin up, OP!

I'm sorry I know it sounds like an over reaction but I struggle with anxiety and this kind of thing feels overwhelming. I used to make my husband happy but I just seem to irritate him all the time.

Since you do have a job, why is your husband claiming he has to earn all the money?

Did your boss have a good reason for reducing your work hours? Are you doing casual work or do you have a contract? Have everyone's hours been reduced?

Did you point out to your husband all the things you do at home and how many hours of child-care you do?

Don't be depressed, be angry and fight for your rights!

If that job doesn't value you, find a better one!

We've been struggling financially since I had to give up my full time job because I had dd. I managed to get part time work in childcare but the hours are dependent on how busy the nursery is and numbers have dipped. His wages sustain us.

I do all the laundry but I often fall behind on cleaning. He says that when he grew up his mum kept the house immaculate and doesn't know why ours is so untidy. He really has a thing about mess and says it's always him who tidies up. I feel dreadful and ashamed about this. I've suggested we do a rota to remind us both. I think I get so absorbed in sorting out dd and occupying her, I do let other things go. I feel so useless.

Looking after and bringing up children that know they are loved is your most important job. Not cleaning!

The rota for both of you is a good idea.

He's a sexist pig. You are not his mother. Or whore.

He didn't marry his mother. If he has such high standards, then he can do one & bugger back off there.

Look for a different job.

was his mother working?

A good chat about how you're feeling too, talk through a rota or fair division of labour and everything will be fine.

Pity his mother didn't spend more time on raising her son to be a decent bloke and less time cleaning. It's not your fault OP. You're not useless and none of it is your fault. If your DD is healthy, fed, clean and loved that's all that matters.

When women come on here saying that they're unhappy in their marriage they're always encouraged to do their partner the courtesy of being honest before there is too much resentment, before the gulf is unbridgeable.

So I don't think that it's good advice to say that he's being unfair and op is blameless - we don't know that is true at all.

OP, I think it's good that your dp has aired his frustrations because now you can talk about it properly and hopefully resolve any problems before you are both facing a separation.

That's not to say that you have to capitulate to him. You need a fair division of labour, and similar hours of free time. He may be genuinely stressed about being the breadwinner. Maybe it would work if you returned to work full time and split housework and childcare between you?