Really need some advice

[Ladykittyvanmeowson]

So a bit of background before I get to the main dilemma. DH and I have been together for 10 years, we have two beautiful children 2 & 1yrs and have just moved to a nice house coming up 2 years ago. Things were looking good, we had the babies that we longed for and the house.
We have always had a fantastic relationship and things have been great. The only thing we ever really argue about is money but that’s a whole different problem but recently, I’d say since January this year we haven’t gotten along very well at all. He’s not supportive with my career decisions (going to uni to study midwifery) and he has just seemed to give up. He takes no pride in his appearance anymore and just spends most his time when he comes home from work playing computer games. If I ask him to help with the children he rolls his eyes
And he’s lazy and never helps with any of the chores. He doesn’t really bother with romance anymore. I don’t expect flowers and diamonds all the time but a birthday or anniversary card would be nice. It’s just so frustrating. I’m starting to resent him and feeling like his mum. I have tried to talk to him about his laziness and lack of closeness but he doesn’t listen and it’s just like
He doesn’t care anymore.

Anyway I tried to talk to him earlier and started talking about leaving him. Half to see if he would care but half being serious. He blurted out that he would kill himself if I left! I mean, what the heck? What am
I meant to do now! I told him that was selfish because his children love him and need a dad in their lives ( we both never had our fathers in our lives) But he was insisting that he wouldn’t want to be without us all. It broke my heart to think that I would be the cause of him feeling like this. But should I stay knowing that I’m really not happy? I don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want to make someone feel miserable but at the same time I am feeling like the love has gone, he’s more of a room mate than a husband and I’m not happy.

I’m not even sure if any of this rambling makes any sense? I just needed to write it down and vent to people who don’t know me. x

Threatening to kill himself is a way to emotionally blackmail you and to keep you quiet.

It’s upsetting for most people to think of their marriage ending but really shitty to threaten suicide.

Ultimately you are not responsible for his actions.

So you threatened leaving him and he threatened suicide

You sound as bad as each other.
Can’t you just have a normal discussion. Things are tough. Life ain’t great. No need for either of those two extremes

So he'd rather kill himself than do some housework? Tell him he's an overdramatic lazy shite and to start pulling his weight around the house and the marriage or he can do what he wants but you won't be around.

Ex-husband said same. I have always expressed (faked) surprise at seeing him alive and well since.

No you misunderstood, I do want to leave. I’m sick of his shit. So there was no threatening there it was a serious conversation I was just wondering if he would sit up and listen and talk to me about our problems like a grown up but he didn’t. I can completely understand that life isn’t all roses, romance and sunshine all of the time. I’d just like to feel that I’m not doing this parenting thing alone and running the household/tidying and cleaning, cooking and sorting bills etc out alone and for him to help and show he cares.

No need for your comment tbh.

That reply was to lowtide.

Thanks everyone for the comments I appreciate the response I really do feel that I am being reasonable with him, I want to sort things out but if he’s not going to be adult enough to talk things through then why should I bother anymore. I’m exhausted. I work full time as well and look after two toddlers (I know plenty of people do this as well but it is hard work) and I look after him down to packing his lunch for him and sorting out his clothes for work. I do bloody everything. I hate nagging, I don’t nag. I just let it bottle up inside until I end up bursting into tears, usually locking myself away in my bedroom or bathroom.

I think you need to see what he said about suicide as the most highly manipulative thing he could have said and get angry. Anger will carry you through this. The chances of his actually following through with his threat is virtually nil. He is holding you to ransom. Non of these traits are sexy or endearing and so you need to quietly get advice and start the ball rolling to leave. Even if I wanted to still be with someone but there were issues, the threat of suicide would kill anything stone dead anyway.

The suicide threat is a form of coercion. You’re not responsible for his actions, only he can choose to pull his socks up and invest in the marriage or just give it all up and curl up in a corner.

It looks like he isn’t prepared to have a rational discussion and reinvest in the relationship which is disappointing. You need to decide what to do next - either continue with things as they are (continue trying to engage with him) or walk from the relationship. I wouldn’t factor in his threat in how you respond - or if I did, it would be a negative... it’s a very coercive and bullying threat.

Could depression be a player here?

Are you in a position to leave?

Have you given gim tasts to do? Will he donthen if told or refuse?

Wow. I had to check your dates to be sure you hadn't married my ex H! It sounds all too familiar.

The can't be bothered to do anything for anyone else
Playing computer games all the time
Happy for you to sort his clothes / food and giving nothing in return

STOP doing things for him unless he decided to put his family as a priority over his stupid immature games.

TELL him he's not a contributing member of the family so unless that changes he should leave.

Be firm and keep calmly telling him if he wants to be part of the family he needs to start acting like a husband and father and not a spoilt child.

Ignore his suicide nonsense. If he hasn't the balls to behave like a husband/father there's no way he'll do such a dramatic thing.

I'm not excusing him at all for any of it but do you think he just took his bat home when you started your training because he liked having you in the previous role & you will have broader horizons now, meet new people all the time, gain confidence, just all round have more going on?

I had a friend years ago who was on a par - jobs wise with dh but then she stated getting promoted, doing a lot more & they grew apart because he was still in his original job with his closed group of friends and experiences. I thought they were going to split.

However he joined the police & broadened his world/horizons etc as well & their lives got a new balance.

He might also be annoyed that he has to do more with dc's if that's the case & he always saw that as your "job" (this was a comment from a h in a marriage where w had gone to retrain as a midwife in mid-life & he ended up doing a lot more with dc's than I think he really wanted to do although tbf he just did it)

Is there any scope for getting him out of his world of computer games & self pity or is it too late for you? Just maybe a bit of food for thought?

Good luck whatever (I should say happily single but being a lp is bloody hard work)

Sounds like he's depressed/ in a midlife crisis. Trouble is men rarely seek help for MH issues and you cannot do it for him. I'd probably leave him to it and go and have a long weekend away to think about things?